"You cut off all of your fingers
trade them for dollar bills
cake on some more make-up to
cover all those lines
wake up and stop shaking
because you're just wasting time"
30th of July 2000
I want to close up and be silent. I won't, though.
The annoying thing about emotions is that you can absolutely love someone without being able to stand them. Take R for example. She's the most wonderful human being I've associated with. She always makes me laugh. I can talk to her about everything. We have the same kind of taste in music, women and politics. We act the same way, we like to be silent during the same events, we like to travel, we like to explore things, we like to... do almost everything. And in the end we're probably too alike. Neither of us initiates contact. Both of us hate phones. Both of us are shy and awkward and resentful. Both of us are, deep inside, loud and bossy and reckless.
We don't get along at all. It's disturbing. I always regard(ed) her as my best friend, the one who might understand me best, and it's horribly disappointing to let go of that.
I think I've changed. She's changed, too, but in less noticeable ways. She's still the same kid she was. Whereas I never actually was what I seemed to be. I've fooled many people. A whole lot of them. I've upset them when I've actually gotten honest with them. I'm not frank in real life. I'm not honest. I pack everything inside me and I never open up. That's why it's been so hard for K, for example. I don't let anything out.
The other day I read about net-personas and realised that I don't really have one. The only difference is that I finally get to say what I want to, instead of being locked behind fears and insecurity. I've always thought of social fears as separate from me somehow. Something outwards. Something not me. Here, on-line, I can talk to people better, open up more quickly. See, in real life it takes me years. Here it only takes months. And it helps not to always have to say/type everything to them, I can put it up here and be read. I can't show my journal to people in real life (no one'd be interested in reading it).
You know, R, who was close to me and very dear to me never got inside me. We understood each other without words but we never really knew each other. It seemed like we were talking to each other, but actually we were talking to ourselves. We might walk together but we weren't actually aware of each other. I don't know how to explain this properly. You could think of writing a diary though. You address someone else but in the end you're only talking to yourself.
I do that a whole lot, actually. That's why it's no problem for me to deal for months with only minimum human contact. I have nothing to say to them that I couldn't say to myself. Occasionally I want to conversate in order to find new ideas, but not often. It's very rare of me to be interested in a person. It's even rarer when I actually bother to do something in order to find more about a person. There are a few diaries I read and like but it's not often when I bother to make contact. (There's also the fact that e-mail scares me, but the point is that if I really wanted to (=wanted it a lot) I'd conquer that fear and contact them anyway. So if I don't bother to expose myself, I also don't want to talk to them enough.) (This is why P surprises me. I've actually bothered to fight a whole lot of panic in order to... well, be unable to talk to him, actually. But anyway, you get my drift.)
- . -
(I forgot my point. Let's talk about other stuff, then.)
I wish I was mentally ill. Or physically ill. Somehow noticeable ill that I didn't have to crawl up from bed every morning and pretend I'm okay. I envy people with real diseases. Yeah, yeah, I know it isn't easy or something they would ever want to have, but I'm becoming incapable of dealing with real life. I just don't want to, anymore. There's no reason why I should wake up every morning. There's no reason to continue this painful existence. (Except social pressure. Blah.) And I'd like to end it because I'm tired of hurting.
My sister's attitude is this: "why save money/care/not do/not try it when we're going to die anyway?".
My attitude is this:"Why try/care/do anything when we're going to die anyway?"
I don't know if either of us is healthier than the other.