July 3rd 2000
There are so many things I haven't told you about.
They're not even remotely exciting.
When I came back, the owner of one of the diaries I read set up a password. I didn't know, and now I have no way of contacting him for the password. He has another site but I can't remember where it is or what it's called because I always only followed a link from his diaryland page. This pisses me off. I can't remember his e-mail address or his UIN because I've never talked to him. I just liked his journal and now I can't access it. So there. I hate passwords.
(after a night's sleep)
I miss him and it's partly desperation. You know, the kind of missing someone/something that makes you sit for hours, staring out of the window. And there aren't any comforting daydreams either. You know you're doomed and nothing helps. You could give him/her/them/it a call but in the end it wouldn't change anything. Afterwards you'd just miss more, and even if you might feel better for a minute or two... afterwards there would still be no hope.
Because there is no hope of anything. Nothing is possible. It isn't only about this. It's about life in general. Everything's meaningless. Nothing ever changes, nothing could ever be better.
I once came across a hedgehog. It was unexpected, and I think I scared it. The little thing (it was a very young one) curled up tightly and made these little sounds that sounded like sobs of a human being. It was just this tight ball, spikes up. I've never seen anything as desperate. Somehow it culminated everything about misery. Of course this probably has no much to do with how it felt like, but... It struck me as desperation.
It's so easy to compare such things... humans are animals, in the end.
In the end, nothing will last. That's one of my greatest sources of desperation and relief. Everything has two sides and I think I'm an expert when it comes to that. God... I'm so incongruous. I'm divided, sometimes it feels like I was two persons at the same time. Two or more.
I can never be sure...
of what?
I wish I could trust something. Not someone but something. I can trust people, in a way, but I can't trust things, such as emotions. This might seem odd, but I do separate emotions from a person. Emotions, to me, are something you cannot (but should be able to) affect. Emotions have a life of their own, and the only thing you can affect is how you act under their influence. That you should be able to affect.
I can't stomach the idea that emotions are... a part of a person, somehow belong to him. Emotions are hostile, they're horrible. Is that really so surprising? (It shouldn't be.)
I feel desperate but I am not desperate. You learn to divide things like that. Separate two sides of the same paper even if it's impossible. You learn to try. What I am and what I feel are different things. In a way it might be even a good thing. In a way it has been a good thing. It makes things easier to deal with. It makes it easier not to care. Feeling ill doesn't mean you are ill.
The problem with that is that you only feel ill when you are ill. You only feel desperate when you are desperate. I ignore that. Ignoring it means I don't have to do anything about it. Do you have any idea how much I've had to ignore in order to be able to live? (It doesn't matter what kind of an abuse and by whom.)
So, if I ignore, I ignore because I have to. You ignore when there's no other way out. But right now I'm in a situation where I don't really have to ignore. Nothing is that terrible I'd have to actively spend time trying to cope with it. This leaves me with no way to go. I don't know where to go. I simply don't.
The good side of catastrophes is that you have to react in a certain way in order to survive. And there's only one way of doing it. When there aren't any catastrophes, I just have too much space, too many options. I don't know how to deal with things I had to abandon in order to do other stuff (stay alive, literally). It's goddamn hard to start to live normally after so much stuff. I just don't know where to begin.
I don't know how to be normal anymore. All things people appreciate or consider common or important are alien and insignificant to me. I cannot imagine getting married and having kids because the whole thought of it is so absurd. I could never be that lucky.
See why it gets to me when people throw tantrums over not being able to breed? For god's sake, they have each other! They have jobs and lives and they have it so good, and they whine about not getting kids like that was a major catastrophe and would kill them. They're alive, no one threatens their physical health and they're upset because they cannot get pregnant. Why can't they just adopt a kid? It'd be so much more fair to everyone.
Bleurgh. This is my rant of the day.