26.3.2000

I got mentioned by Equin0x again. Apparently he has read what I've written. Which is kinda scary. I re-read some of my older entries because I couldn't remember what I had said. Fortunately, they weren't as terrible as I thought they'd be. There's zillions of spelling mistakes though. I have to fix them at some point.
I don't know why but always after I've sent an e-mail I come to think of a million thing that I actually would have liked to say but didn't. I guess it might be the stress, I get so fixated on having to write an e-mail that I can't even begin to think what to say. It does get better though. Eventually.
I went to the liquoir store yesterday. All by myself. Woo. I bought two bottles of wine for my parents. And some painkillers for myself (no, not in the liquoir store!). My stomach is trying to make me pass out because of the pain. Anyway.
We're changing the clocks to summer time again tonight and I'm afraid that'll mess up our videos. It's not like I even liked Babylon 5 but I feel it's my duty to watch the fucking babylon 5 movies that all get broadcasted tonight. I never said I wasn't weird.
I wrote A a long e-mail about why I didn't actually want her to see my ramblings. I promised to give her the addy of this place if she felt terrible for not having it. I suspect she won't feel terrible but it's possible I might have her reading what I write soon. Which will probably mess the whole thing up.
The last time I began to have readers I freaked and deleted the whole site. I'm trying to avoid doing that now.
I need to go take another painkiller soon.
And anyway, it's not like I have to give A the link. I might just say no way, I changed my mind. I hope she understands though and doesn't even want to see this.

---

My parents yelled at me for not going to bed. I don't know why they care, it's not like I disturb them. Perhaps they're just pissed off because they can't sleep, not because I keep them awake (which I don't do anyway).
Equin0x said: "I read some of (-')'s earlier journal entries today. You wouldn't know that some of them were by the same author. It's quite shocking to go from a long, rambling entry about music and languages to a short, painful one about death. And yet, thinking over my past entries, I suppose my diary exhibits those same incongruities."
I don't know what he means, actually. It isn't shocking, to me. It might be that maybe I've spent too much time with those who want to kill themselves. I don't know what's shocking to normal people anymore. I put a spoiler on 'explanations' though, just in case.
I don't remember what I have written, usually. If someone else had written what I have and I read it I might be… upset about it, maybe. I never thought Eq.'s entries were shocking though. Incongruent, maybe. I don't know.
I write a lot about death then, I guess. Death is so close to me. Closer than living. It has always been like that. I don't know if Eq. has written… the way I do, I guess that's what I want to say. He doesn't have a lot of disturbing stuff about death except some poems, apparently. I don't read his poems, I read no one's poems, they trigger me too much.
It' funny, really, it isn't what the poem says that is triggering but the fact that someone has written a poem. I associate poems with pain, although I might as well associate them with happiness or something else positive like that.
I think I'll go to bed now. I have some things to think of.

- - -

I was woken up today to decide whether we should go to Tenerife during our Easter holiday. Or my parents' Easter holiday, it's not like I actually have one. But anyway, I'm quite reluctant. Traveling somewhere is always stressing and in this case the stress feels pretty useless because I don't even want to go there. I mean, I can go and probably will go if we end up having the possibility but I don't want to, really. It's insignificant. I might as well go scratch the bottom of our boat, it would be just as exciting. It's not really worth going anywhere if you're not interested in the place. I went to Munich a few months back and it was wonderful because I like the place. It's not what we ended up doing there but what the atmosphere of the city was like. And i'm so fed up with Canary Islands. I may be a spoiled brat but those places are disturbing. There's nothing to do, there's nowhere to go and the hotels are full of Finnish idiots who drink too much. It's like that everywhere. I've been to enough places to know. The package tours are always the same. Part of why I liked Munich was probably that we did the trip by ourselves, there were no guides and no other tourists we would have to associate with. But anyway, if we do end up in Tenerife it's not like we'll spend time with the other tourists. We're rebels like that.
*sigh*
I have to go with them, most likely, because my parents said they won't leave me here alone and if I don't go, they won't go either. So although it wouldn't actually be my fault that they wouldn't be able to go, I'd still feel guilty. I'm now hoping the travel agencies are booked full and we end up going to Prague instead.
Anyway, I hate traveling with my parents especially when my sister isn't with us (she's going to Moscow, woo). We have no same interests, and when they end up fighting (which they will do) I get so sick of them that I never want to see them again, get moody and then we all start arguing with each other. The bliss of the perfect family….
Jesus. There's another reason why I don't want to go to anywhere south, in this case Tenerife. My scars aren't faded yet. They are nowhere faded. It's hot in Tenerife, how on earth am I supposed to pull off the trick of long sleeves all the time? (especially when I only have black longsleeve tees) I have a few skirts so my legs shouldn't be a problem. I'm such an idiot. I knew this moment would come. And I still did cut my arms (for reasons not to be revealed here). I just didn't think I'd have to face this situation before summer, ie. it never dawned on me we could possibly travel somewhere (we have loans to pay and such this year). Life sucks and unfortunately it's all my fault. My mother will throw a fit if she finds out I've been cutting again.

- - -

My sister has a fun boyfriend. Something like that anyway.
I'm in a rambling mood today. I've been the whole weekend. Sometimes there's no way I can get anything out of my mouth, I feel all mute because there's nothing to say, and then there are times like this when I keep rambling. I still have nothing to say though.

It's still light outside. I haven't gotten used to having this much daylight yet. Two months ago it was pitch black at 4 p.m. and now it's light till 9 p.m. It's amazing, really. It won't be long until it's light all night and I will be so happy. I'm already feeling so much better just because I don't have to put the lights on at 6 pm. I don't understand how anyone can live here during the winter. It's not the cold but the lack of light that kills me.
Spring's the time of year when most of the suicides occur here. I've never understood why anyone would want to kill themselves when it's getting lighter. Spring makes me feel energetic and happy and positive. My mom and A both get depressed though and I suppose it might be the most common thing here. It must be, actually, looking at the suicide rates. When I was a kid I used to wonder why everyone wouldn't just move out of here. I also wondered why we didn't have a huge holiday when it's christmas because it's impossible to do anything proper at that time. I think I might have skipped the phase in childhood that teaches people distinguish differencies between others and themselves (I can't remember what that's called officially).

I'm tired.

Index.