10.5.2000

In last night's dream I was physically close enough to meet someone I really wanted to meet. It was just a question of asking them to meet me. When I thought of it in that dream I got so afraid. I thought they'd hate me and reject me and that they would never want to talk to me again. So I couldn't decide what to do. I didn't want to reject the idea because I really wanted to see them and I just couldn't deal with the self-hatred it'd bring if I once again chickened out. So I decided to just let the thought of them slip away. You know, you think of doing it and you'll promise yourself you'll do it but in the end you never do it because you don't have the courage. It hurts less to just forget it, instead of having to face the fact that you can't do it. You can't make yourself do it, it's too difficult.

Yesterday I was so sick of all the fear. I was so sick of having to study and having to make plans I never want to carry through. Sick of being alive. I was so tired of all the pain and fear and insecurity. I could argue that it's because I never slept enough and because I have a flu that's enough to make me want to sleep for ages but that's not the issue. My parents always gave me excuses. There was a reason for this and that, either I hadn't slept enough or I hadn't eaten enough. But it's not about that. Not in the end. In the end it's about me hating my life and not wanting to live it. It's about being tired and depressed and simply sick of everything. Yeah, maybe lack of sleep makes me a bit more unstable than usual, but it's not the thing that makes me unstable in the first place. Being too tired just makes my pretentious mask drop because I can't keep it up anymore. I'm just as miserable all the other times.

I used to force myself stay awake last summer because I was afraid of going to sleep. And because being tired made me feel less real. It's like you were living a dream when you were tired enough. You don't care, you just walk around and nothing really touches you. I didn't want to wake up. It was too painful.
I had this thought earlier, I figured I'd better kill myself after the uni entrance exams. That way I never had to find out if I got in or not and I could escape all the shit that would happen if I didn't get in. The thought of waiting till I got the results made me feel all cliché-y. It would've given everyone else an excuse. Because not getting to uni isn't the only thing I'm fretting about. I don't know, now. Of course nothing really appeals to me in being alive in general. Although I'm too much of a rationalist sometimes to kill myself. It's just... not sensible. It's unfair also. And other stuff. I have plenty of reasons why not to kill myself and most of them are just plain pathetic. There are also reasons why I should kill myself and they're much better. But 'cos I'm a lamer... ugh.
(And here I go again. Gee. I wonder if I could live just one day without thinking of suicide.)

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