2001-08-17 I don't seem to care much. About this journal, or anything. Except my insecurities, perhaps. Oh, yeah. I'm drained. I've eaten too much and I've slept too little. I took four Tenoxes (the normal dose being 1 to 2 pills) last night. That got me to sleep, nothing else. And I'm tired of that cyckle too. Take sleeping pills, sleep your pain and hatred away. Sometimes I still stand by the open window and think of juming down. I don't know if it'd help. I'd probably just be paralyzed for the rest of my life. I wouldn't die. Or then there's heaven or somesuch where we end up (no, I don't really believe that, but I can't ignore the possibility completely), and I don't want to end up anywhere. Ever woken up after you thought you'd be dead? I don't want to wake up ever again, was it heaven or hell. It can't be much better than this. What should I say now? I don't know. I'm so tired it's not tired anymore. I can't use that line in my every entry. I should probably go out, it's a Friday night. Get drunk, have fun. Although it's unlikely I'd have any fun. I seem to have lost the capacity for that. Having fun, I mean. I could have a meaningless one-night stand, or something else they call fun. I think I could use someone giving me a hug from time to time, but I can't handle sex. Unfortunately. Sometimes I wish my life was easier. I seem to have trouble with everything. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even have sex. And all because I'm so fucked up person. And I don't know how I ended up like this. What happened? I don't know. I wish there were clear reasons. I wish there was some thing in my life to which I could point, and say that it all began when this happened. It all happened when I broke my leg. Or when I went to school. Or when we moved. Or... I don't know. --- I talked to my mother for an hour on the phone. It all went all right till she mentioned An. and her 'difficulties'. I get sick of that crap. It's not like she cared, anyway. Then she made me promise that I'd call them if I started feeling lonely, or some such crap. It's stupid. It's not like I need my parents' company. I don't think I need much human contact. If I did, I'd be a lot more social in the group. Or then I'd start chatting with random strangers on the streets. Something like that. | older aion spindrift e-mail my profile diaryland.com