24.2.2000
It's funny how I always forget how simple it actually is to kill oneself.
There's nothing to lose. I always think there is, but in the end life is always empty.
I did a little experiment with a noose and a doorknob. It worked just fine.
All i need is the time and the place. And some padding under my chin (it hurts to swallow when the noose it around my neck and I think that's the most likely thing to cause a panic reaction).
So, i'm ready to go. Surprisingly ready. I thought i would've gathered some reasons to live for by this age, but no. Life's still empty and undesirable.
It left a numb feeling around my throat. The noose. And a red bruise but I think that's already faded.
I'm tired of living. I'm tired of everything.
I suppose it's emptiness after death.
Helvi's death has helped a great deal. It made me realize how dead a dead body is. And that i can and will be that dead too. It's such a relief to know i can go.
That it won't be my thoughts that stop me from going. (but something else if something ever stops me)
I have to wait till after the funeral, i think. Out of sheer respect. And because afterwards it'll be even easier to go. And because i'm short of time and I want to give A a proper possibility to burry her mother.
She'll be burrying me too, soon. Bad for her. It makes me sad but not sad enough to stop me from doing it. So, in the end i'm selfish. But so are we all so it doesn't really matter. (To argue, she too is selfish if she wants me to stay despite of my desperation.)
I guess i won't be needing those records in french. Or anything else either.
I'm so tired.
It's good to get to go away.
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Hup. I think I shall buy some new razors tomorrow. The ones I've already rejected for being too dull are in use again. So I need new stuff.
Because.

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