8.8.2000

Incapable of creating.

"I was born on [--] 1980, the year Lennon got shot, Alfred Hitchcock died, Deathtrap Titanic was found, 500 billion dollars was spent on warfare and U.S.A. elected a B-movie actor to be the president of the world. a war between Iran and Iraq began. Terracotta army was found underground in China but not to make this list too happy, Ripper of Yorkshire murdered 13 young women in England. Hotel MGM Grand burned in Las Vegas, 84 died and 500 were injured. In Naples, poorest parts of Italy, an earthquake ended a thousand lives. A school building blew up in Spain and 49 children died. an average Finnish family spent 350$ to buy a Christmas. Not a bad year."
said he.

I had to go find TQFA for some reason. I just needed to. I was supposed to make some graphics for it. I never did. I remember seeing Laura the last time. I was taking a pic of her and her lover. That was the last time I really saw her. Afterwards I only walked past her, recognicing her figure. She's so much shorter than I am. Like Santhi is. Short means invisble.
Am I cruel to talk about them behind their backs? I usually never gossip.

I'm cruel because I ignore them, that's for sure. But I never knew them well. I never knew them at all.

Friends of friends, always.
I wonder if they know about me and A. I'm sure they do. The whole town knew. The whole town knows. I don't know if it remembers, though.

This is a small town. Small people. Small minds.

(Since when did I think it was my place to judge them?)

I do not want to remember. I want to forget. I want them to forget. I want them to erase my memory from their minds. I want to erase my memory from my mind. That's why I cut. I want to make myself disappear.

I want you to know that I know them. I want you to know that I know people. Strange people, exciting people. I want you to understand that I have a life outside your screen.

I want to make you jealous.

I want you to think that I'm cool because I don't think so. I want to be able to look up at people and envy them for their friends and past events without realizing that they, too, are people. That they're just like me, outside their screens. That they don't consider themselves cool. That they aren't cool.

I want illusions. I want to believe other people are better than I am, that they lead a more exciting life than I do. If I can't believe that, I have nothing to separate me from disappointment. The horrible realization that this life is nothing.

I want to be able to look at you and see the glamour.

I don't want to understand that everyone's unhappy, that no one has real, understanding friends, that everyone has troubles and difficulties and that no one likes what they're doing. I want to believe that life could be like a wonderful dream.

When I envy your life, the life that you hate because you think it sucks, I envy it to protect myself. Your life has to be better than mine. If it isn't, that means no one's life is, that means mine can never be.

I don't want that kind of accuracy in my vision.

I need my sunglasses.

Back again.