29th of July 2000

I get scared when I think of going back to school. I don't want to attend classes and scribble notes down and give presentations. I don't want to deal with homework and I don't want to deal with all those trivial things you need to take care of.

Today when I was playing croquet with the kids I was faced with the situation where I had to play on my own. I had to hit that ball, I had to be in front of their innocent child-eyes. I had to perform. The panic was inevitable.

I could hardly hold it back but really, I conrol myself marvellously. You see, it'd be even worse if I showed them I was scared. If I just perform badly, it doesn't mean I'm vulnerable. I'm rather seen as stupid than afraid. That's why I avoid everything I could otherwise do but what includes public visibility. It's horrible. I know I can do stuff well. I know I can write good presentations, for example, but I can't face the public with it. That way, everything I do, however good I am in it, is completely utterly useless. It's horribly depressing.

I know I can be good. I know I am good at certain things (although good doesn't mean perfect). You know, I actually forced myself not to write very good essays at school because I would've been forced to read them out loud to the class. I couldn't handle the thought of that, so I wrote stupid and immature things. I knew I was performing poorer than I could have.

It's no wonder I hate my life, actually.

You know, though, I need to control the fear. I'm afraid that if I let it surface it becomes more than I can handle. That's why I push it down and eventually become depressed and miserable. I'm afraid I'll lose all control and... I don't know, do something horrible. So I control it, bottle it up and never deal with it. That's why my voice doesn't quiver, that's why I look completely calm even if I'm breaking apart in the inside. And eventually, when the stress becomes too much to handle, I break apart and start crying and become completely incapable of doing anything. That's why I cry more easily when I'm tired; the threshold is much lower. I start crying when the stress makes me exhausted, therefore if I already am tired, there needs to be less stress to make me completely exhausted.

So in the end, all this is just about maladaptive ways of coping. Now, if I just knew what to do to make things any better...
I guess this is a start though. I need to try dealing with the social phobia before (and during) university. Otherwise I'll end up killing myself (although I might do that anyway).

Good night, kiddies.

Back again.