> 8.9.2000

> Peacemaker.
> Sweet little peacemaker.
> I hate you.
> Peacemaker.
> Soft pink peacemaker.
> I'll destroy you.
> Peacemaker.
> Ripped and torn peacemaker.
> I'll cut you apart from me.
> I'll decorate your skin with glowing stars, scars, scabs.
> You'll be gone tomorrow so it cannot matter now.
> Irrational, darling. Irrational.
> Everything that is only exists now.
> If you cannot fight it, wait and it will pass.
> Wait wait wait. Someday it will come.
> Some day will come.
> Always.

> Wait!
> That isn't right, never was, never will be.
> Broken promises. Paul.
> I love you.
> I'm in love with you.
> But what is love?
> Attachment.
> Paul!

> Aching.
> Changed username and password.
> Now I am clean, purified.
> Virgin.
> Scars erased.
> Bleached.

> I'm dying.
> Inside and outside.
> (Paul.)
> Save me.
> Protect me.
> Hold me, for I am dying.

> Death is never painless.
> Death is never avoided.

> I thought I'd kill myself if you killed yourself.
> Why?
> You aren't my reason for living.
> But you could be.
> Why not be my reason for dying?

> I control my death.
> I do it myself.
> A DIY-kit for death. Suicide.
> Nothing new.
> Paul.
> Nothing changed.
> Paul.
> No one here.
> Paul.
> I don't have my razor blades.

> I have a kitchen knife.
> And I have veins and I have blood.
> And I have the will and courage.
> I cannot believe myself.

> Write about suicide and you'll be famous.
> Commit suicide and your memory won't live any longer than we do.

> Paul.
> You still can't pronounce my name.
> Do you notice?
> Wrong stress, the vowel E is too short.
> Like I pronounce English, reversed. Too long vowels, wrong stress.
> I miss you. Where are you?

> Wreck fluffy things.
> Rip off the wings of a butterfly.
> Tear your creation, throw it away.
> Shoot your classmates, the effect is about the same.
> No one will ever know anything about you.
> I can understand serial killers because I am one.
> Torture(r).
> Limbs can be cut off.
> Skin can be pierced, burnt, removed.
> Hair can be torn away.
> Implant a cancer cell inside you.
> It will grow and fill you.

> I will fall down.
> I want to fall down.
> I want to crawl inside you and disappear.

> I'm in disagreement with my organism.
> It lives but I don't.
> A contradiction?
> No.
> It leads me. It is innate.
> I don't object (I can't object). I don't exist.
> I refuse to pretend I do.
> I am heavy. I am difficult, reluctant.
> I refuse to wake up.

> One day, quite soon, it'll be snow that's falling on me.