I think you wouldn't like this color. I think you wouldn't.
But I don't care anymore.

I should be sorry but I'm not. I'm relieved.
About that I am sorry but I don't think it would comfort you at all.

It's funny, I'm so mad at you and yet I still am concerned about how you feel. How you possibly could feel.
I've always been like that. I can't hurt anyone intentionally even if I wanted to. I just can't.
I can make snide remarks, yes, but not bad enough. There's a million worse things I could say, that I could've said. And I never did. It doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel like a coward. Because I always want to say the bad things, the worst things but I can't. I know how much they hurt.

That's the thing about you, you can't protect yourself. I think you don't want to.
I protect myself, to hell and back. There's hardly anything that gets on me, anything that I'd admit hurt me. That way you're more human than I am. Better than I am. Not so lost in the chaos. I keep thinking there's still hope for you.
But you're more human in other aspects as well. You don't understand. You think everything is the way you see it and you refuse to look at it from other's point of view. That, I think, has always been your weakest side. You're prone to fanaticism, a lot of people are. You can't look at things even remotely objectively.
And that's why I got so tired of you. I'm tired of explaining, tired of trying to make you see. And it isn't my job anyway. I can't do it for you. I thought I would be able to, foolish that I am. My greatest sin is pride, I think. I couldn't give up. I refused. That way I was like you for a while. You thanked me for not giving up, in the end.

I'm not like that, most of the time. I don't cling on things. I've learnt not to. But I had so much to give and the opportunity. At least I thought I had. But what can be seen can be mistaken for something else. And I didn't know what I was getting into.

I guess that's my defense. Although there should be no reason to justify what I did or didn't do. You never blamed me, you never said it out loud. Others did, but she had no idea what she was talking about. So quick to judge... I don't know why. You didn't defend me. That's why I'm so angry at you. You agreed on it but you didn't have the guts to speak for yourself. And neither of you wanted any kind of explanation. Both of you, you took it for granted. What you thought you saw.
I'm always surprised when people do that. I'm so naive, in that way. I don't understand it, I could never dream of doing it. It wasn't the first time, of course, but I didn't see it coming. That's why it hurt me so bad.

The hurt makes me angry. The hurt makes me want to rip you to pieces. Because you deserve it, in a way. I'm not usually blinded by my emotions. If I was, I had done that already. So now I'm just avoiding you. Because that you do deserve. There's no room for explanations anymore. What is done is done.

You say you're angry, but really, do you have any reason to? Did I ever promise anything?
I lied, yes, I do that.
My three sins are naivety, pride and lying.
And I thought you knew. God, I let you see so much. I showed you everything. Everything I had written, everything that was my life. And you came to me to say you didn't understand. And I tried to explain. And I got tired of trying.

And I really thought you would have understood at least that side of me. I really did. B had, there was no reason for you not to. Oh, the naivety!
Sometimes I think I'll choke on my self-hatred. Sometimes I think I'll choke others with me.

Index.