"The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care.
Right?" - Offspring, self esteem

Tara's back :)
It cheered me up, especially now that I don't particularly like myself.
I feel incompetent and I feel over-stressed. I also feel mean. I've been especially mean to A and P. They've done virtually nothing to deserve it and she doesn't seem to even realize how pissed off I actually am. This has affected everything I do, or have done this past week. It has made me cranky and annoying and self-pitying.
I want to be a nice person so much. I feel like I am a terrible person, and the minute I end up doing something I will feel like even worse person and this causes me to do something to stop being a terrible person, which makes me feel like even more terrible person. Sometimes I wonder how it's possible to get trapped in such a vicious cycle. It affects everything I do, every single thought.
After this is finished (which will happen, I'm sure) I'll feel like a complete asshole. I already feel like that, but in the sense that I'm a terrible and hurtful person. After this is over I will feel like a complete idiot.
Which will eventually start the next circle.

I've read a few of my past entries. I really thought I was better off this spring but it doesn't seem like it now. It doesn't seem like anything is better.
I just have to work harder again.

I promised myself to download ICQ. This is because I need to. I really need to make myself talk to people. Even if it's on-line talk, I don't care. I need to make myself. I haven't had the courage to do it yet but I will. At least I hope I will. The point in doing so would be bracing myself and getting myself a life. I will feel better once I know people. I hope so, at least. I'm so tired of being always afraid. I'm so tired of feeling like a fuckhead because I can't talk to people properly.

I won't probably get to know anyone but at least that would be a start. You know, beginnings are always the most important things. It's impossible to do anything without starting to do it. And that part has always been the hardest for me. It's pretty easy to just be, and almost impossible to do something.

I'm spoiled. That is a fact. I've lived such a sheltered life. I've actively seeked for a sheltered life, actually. I've avoided everything that would make me hurt but would have probably made me tougher too. Everything I've been able to avoid.
I can't decide, actually, if I'm like this because my life has been too easy or because it has been too hard. It could be either way. Or then that has no importance and it is only the way it is because my life has been unsuitable for me. I don't think I've been built to stand living. I think there's something wrong with me, you know, a part that doesn't work properly, somewhere. At least there could be.
When I was younger I was certain I shouldn't be feeling this way, that I should have been in control of my emotions. I was certain I had no reason to feel this way. I don't know how I could forget.
But anyway, there are people who have been through their own private hells, just like I have. Still some of them are better off than I am. Not all of them, of course. I must be weak somehow. Otherwise I might have been able to fight it. To fight everything.
But what is it that makes me weak?

I think there was some point where I was shattered to pieces. I didn't notice it. I noticed it when I was 15. I just feel apart at one point. I never knew how I got to the edge. I just don't know. When I think of my life, it hasn't been that bad. I think it was all the years that weren't that bad that broke me. They were terrible, but they weren't terrible the way rape is terrible, like sexual abuse is terrible. The years just were.... I didn't know where I got the idea that only sexual abuse entitles you to feel bad about yourself. When I read this, I found out though.
I always thought I wasn't entitled to feel bad. So I didn't, except for a few occasions. And those occasions were overwhelming.
I talked with someone who understood once. His life convinced me that everything I felt was in fact justified. It took me years to accept it. Accept that I might feel bad and that I might havve a reason for it.
Still, notice those 'might be's. I still am not sure. I still think I suck. But if I suck, then there's a reason why I suck. It isn't all my fault. In fact, probably nothing is my fault. I only feel guilty because of the shame. Or because of something else.

I just wish I could stop blaming myself about everything. Everything that was then and what is now. I am sure that I'm the one to blame for if everything goes wrong with anything I've been even remotely associated with. I feel like I am a burden to others because I feel like I demand them to convince me I'm not that bad if I tell them how I feel. Which I wouldn't mind, of course, but things don't work like that. And I'm not expecting them to, I just want to talk about it. And I probably also want to talk to them because my life's empty and I like talking to people ;)

I've been a bit lost with everything lately. I' not sure what I am doing and how I'm feeling and how it has been. I've been under some false assumptations again and that mixes everything up even more. I had this thought some time this spring (although it's not technically spring yet) that I'm better than I used to be, and perhaps I was but I didn't realize I wasn't completely okay. And i didn't check that assumption later, I just thought it'd continue being the way it was.
I once again need to take better care of myself.

(If anyone read it this far, congratulations :] )

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