25.3.2000

I managed to get thirty minutes of sleep last night. I think this is some sort of a record.

I think it might be more interesting to write about things that have happened. But nothing has happened. Nothing ever happens and I'm happy about that. I like to sit home and study occasionally and watch tv and listen to music. I have no urge to get outside and do something. And there wouldn't be anything else to do than get drunk anyway. I'm not a big fan of alcohol. I can't remember when I've been even slightly drunk last time.
Not that it really matters. It's šjust that some of the diaryland diaries I browse through/read have stuff about how they went out and danced and got drunk and had sex and whatever. I don't know if they really had any fun but at least those things are generally associated with having fun. Perhaps it's more to do with the fact that I'm not a big fan of having fun because it's nearly impossible for me to have fun when I'm with other people. And even if I'm alone it's difficult.
My fun consists of keeping the window open all night, painting and looking at the sky. I also am happy when I'm sailing, or near the sea in general (as long as I'm not in the sea). I guess I'm pretty weird that way. I want to move somewhere without any disturbing people whom I don't know, where it's windy and where I can see miles around myself. I need my space.

I think I'll go eat some chocolate cake now.

- - -

I realized I hadn't mourned my grandmother last night. The night she died I was so mad at her for leaving me here and being a shitty grandmother at times. I kept thinking that I lie there and blame her for everything and she's dying. I didn't know it then but she died at the same hour I kept blaming her. I felt horrible when I was being mad at her because I didn't really think she deserved it.
I didn't feel horrible afterwards though. My aunt called us at precisely 7 a.m. the next morning. I found it slightly amusing that she was following the etiquette so carefully. It's no good to call anyone before 7 am or after 10 pm. I didn't feel sad when I heard she had died. I felt down for days but not sad (it's different somehow, it was like I couldn't miss her because I still was angry at her). THen I felt reliieved that she had died when I thought of all the shit she had to go through her last day. THen I was angry at everyone, expecially life because she had suffered so much for no reason.
I spent the funeral listening the priest talk, wondering what my funeral would be like and listening to my cousin and sister joking about how we were always 'A's girls' but my cousin was always called by his name. I was quite amused to hear that the medical term of death was 'in Exitus' on thedeath certificate. I nicked some of her clothes after the funeral came home and got on with my life.
Until last night.

There's always some time after the incident (whatever it is) when I don't feel anything. Then it hits, the emotions. The worse the incident is the longer time it takes.
I don't get on with my emotions. They're very intense, to the point where they take over my life and I can't control them. I've spent a long time learning to deal with them and lately it has gotten easier to go through them without having to be emotionally unstable for days afterwards.
Last night I spent hours thinking of my grandmother. What her hand had felt like when I saw her the last time, how she had been so much like me and how she had looked after me when I was a kid. I wasn't angry anymore. It was just infinite sadness because she was gone and I didn't want her gone. Because I miss her terribly much.

I think I'll be better off from now on. The hard part is over.

Index.