2001-04-15 Nothing's ever going to change, is it? I'm tired and it's snowing outside and I can't get out of this blue. Did you know that it's impossible to live if you don't really want to? Well, you know now. Nothing's going to change because there's nothing that could change. Everything is the same grey. I'm not anything but atoms, small particles. My conscience is all made up and useless. I'm all made up and useless. There's nothing for me here and I wish I'd die, because then I didn't have to pretend that something means anything. I'd love to live for you and I'd love to be in love with you and I'd love to care but I don't and I won't and I don't know if I can change that. My insides are made of blank and hollow cardboard and I'm like I wasn't alive at all. The pills I take don't make anything better and I'll never become anything better because there's nothing better to come. So, no, I have no real reason to be depressed. I just can't change what I am and what I will be. Nothing changes. We all die. We all live for a while. It doesn't matter, if you think of it. In a million years no one knew we ever existed. I'm going to pretend that everything's okay now. That's what I always do. | older aion spindrift e-mail my profile diaryland.com