23.10.2000

I had forgotten what your voice sounded like. Ít hurt to listen to you; partly because I had forgotten, partly because I'll never hear it again. Partle because I remembered emotions I'd rather forget, feelings I need to burry to be decent with you.

I can't do it properly, of course.

Oh, fuck off! Stop hurting me. I can't deal with this. I don't want to deal with this. There's no reason to deal with this. Stop rubbing your newly found whatever-happiness in my face, stop being there, stop being you, stop making me ache so much.

---

I'm frightened. I'm afraid that I'll lose him. That's why I'm so angsty. I'm only good for 'mutual self-pity' as he put it. I'm only good for sharing people's misery. And when they stop being miserable, they'll also stop interacting with me. I have nothing to give except a listening ear. Happy people don't need that. Happy people require happy company.

That's how they all leave me. That's why I'm so scared.

He asked if he damaged me. What a question… how was I supposed to answer that? Lie? I can't lie, there's no point in lying. I might withhold things deliberately but I don't lie if I'm asked.

Damage me… what is damage? Hurt? Yeah, he makes me hurt. But does he hurt me? Is that the same thing? He doesn't deliberately make me hurt, I think. (I hope.) He can be inconsiderate. So can I. I'm unsure of what extent I've managed to make him hurt. Does sadness equal to hurt? In The English Patient there's a line that goes "sadness is very close to hatred". It might be. I hurt, therefore I hate. There are no other reasons why I would hate.

Now I lost the subject… My pain isn't caused by him. He didn't do anything directly to me. The effect people have on other people isn't under their control. My emotions are my own. That's why I shouldn't blame him. That's why it's wrong of me to blame him and get angry with him. (If only I had more self-control…)

I wish his indifference didn't enrage me. I wish it was easier to not get hurt. I wish I didn't care. He doesn't, after all.