12.5.2000

"You haven't heard of it? It was amazing. ---, but as hard as I try, I haven't been able to duplicate it. Those sorts of moments are magic, I guess. Only happen once and you can never get them back. I suppose that's what's so depressing about them. "
"You can always make new moments, Mary. You do know that, don't you?"
"Sure," Mary said heavily. "But it's not the same. They start ot feel empty after a while."

-The Fantastic Life&Suicide of Mr. Mary Holiday, episode VII: "Therapy?"

---

(I'm sleepy and I haven't got much to say. Check back tomorrow and I might have something more for you. Or not.)

I don't feel like doing anything. I'd just like to stare out the window or at the tv and just be. It's my own fault, of course. I didn't sleep much last night. Well, at least a part of that was my fault. I woke up too early, I don't know why. I dreamt of music last night. Surprisingly. I haven't had dreams with music for a long time. I guess it could've woken me up. I don't know. I'm not exactly sure when I woke up. At one point I just realized that my eyes were open.

Lack of sleep makes me feel faint, somehow. My body feels strange and tiny and less than real. My head's the worst, it's like it was half empty and occasionally the things that were in rolled from one side to the another. It's plain weird.
Despite all this I felt much better today than yesterday. One of the reasons that I was up so late was because I desperately needed something different. My 'different' might be hanging around on icq till 1 a.m. but it's enough. Today I'm less melancholy, less worried, less interested in universities. This actually means that I can study better, that I can concentrate, that I can do things. Not many things though. But things. Last week, this week, even yesterday I was so sick of everything. I felt exhausted, tired, useless. I needed to break apart from that mood.
People usually do that by going out to party. I don't do that. Even icq can be better. No, icq is definitely better if there's even one sane person to talk to (because in bars there's never a sane person to talk to).

I always forget how uneventful my life is. I never pay much attention to it because I don't mind, but sometimes I realize it when I compare to other people's lives. I know at least one person who'd think my life like this would be like living in hell. Probably more. The less I deal with people the more I forget that this isn't what can perhaps be considered 'normal' behaviour.

Being tired also means being cold all the time. I took a nap earlier but it only seemed to make me more tired. I was woken up by my mother who came home with her colleague. They made awful lot of noise, considering that they're both grown ups. It's weird to have someone home again. I got so used to being alone. No one snored, no one whined about what I do or don't do… I think a part of feeling better today is actually because I didn't have to deal with either of my parents for a while.

There are things I want to ramble about but not right now. I'm too tired to get introverted. I'll do it tomorrow.

The phrase 'tucked up' makes me smile. It makes me feel warm and sleepy and cute. And it sound like something really tempting right now. It's beautiful and grey though. A really rich and beautiful shade of grey :)

You know, what really is marvellous, is that I'm sleepy. I'm usually never sleepy, I'm only tired and exhausted and stuff. Being sleepy is wonderful. (And now I'm off to bed.)

Index.