14.3.2000
It's difficult to decide anything once again. I'd rather stay in bed, never wake up again.
I decided to upload some entries of this journal. I don't know why, really. It's all so insignificant and I already have lots of rambling. I always thought this was the most honest thing, though.
Because I never thought i'd let anyone know what I wrote here.
Or I did, actually.
Sometimes it feels like everything I say is a lie. Everything I meant turned into something else.
I don't know. I don't want to know.
My heart hurts.
False, you know. Everything's false.
I shoveled some snow today and I managed to compose a decent rant in my head. Now I can't remember it anymore. It doesn't matter. I don't hate snow passionately enough. I don't do anything passionately enough.
Tired.
I meant to say something but I realized it didn't mean anything to you. Or to me or to anyone.
It's cold in here and i need to study.
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I think i might have a slightly skewed view of what i can and cannot do. I mean, it isn't any wonder that on a day when i mostly keep crying of exhaustion i'm only able to study a few pages of linguistics. Actually, being able to study those four pages is more than enough. I expect too much of myself.
It won't be surprising if i don't get to uni but it will feel unfair because i did so much in order to get there. The point just happens to be that no one in my situation is likely to get to uni. Because i'm not alright. It's like i was trying to get to army when i was having 39 degrees of fever. It's just not going to happen and there's a reason for that. I keep forgetting that i'm not okay.
I do so 'well' in other areas of life that i forget that my mental capacity isn't what it's supposed to be.
Or then i'm just trying to justify my stupidity with an imagined illness.
I demand things that aren't possible. I'll kill myself with this pace. But then, i'm trying to do just that…
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I don't want to be around.
I don't seem to learn anything.
Making decisions is terrible. It's straining.
I'd like to go back to bed now.
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It's too damn difficult. Things are too damn difficult.
I try to learn transcription but my head aches and i'm out of chocolate again. Also, i'm not a bit interested (which makes things even more difficult). I think I should stop wallowing in self-pity but I feel self-pitying.
I think I'll go eat some more (I keep gaining weight because I keep eating. I hope I'll lose it too, someday).
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HA!
I found out I have to study 54 pages of one book instead of all the existings 78 pages. Yay!
This is what you get when you don't study the index; pleasant surprises.
I haven't felt this relieved for ages :) Weird. And stupid, i think. Right now everything seems a bit lighter.
It's a disgusting book, otherwise, half of it is excercices that are absolutely impossible to do with my brain-activity. But I still have to read only 54 pages. :D
It's great news, actually. It means i'll have a bit more time to study things that really matter. (not that it didn't really matter, but…)
I'm having the worst headache right now. Gross.
I'll go and study a bit more now :)
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Last night I dreamt of a horse with it's head cut off. I traced the edge of his torso with my fingers, it was sleek and fine, so regular. Seeing it upset me. I felt this nauseating feeling in my stomach, i tried to control it and succeeded. I went to search for his head. I don't know which upset me more, looking at the headless torso or looking into his cold and empty eyes. It was a weird dream, it was a bad dream, in a way. It still disturbs me and i'm trying to remember what horses mean in dreams when i'm writing this. Unfortunately i can't remember.

- - -

I feel panicked. Yes, about the exams, once again.
There's no reason to be up aymore but i don't feel sleepy. I don't want to study anymore so i don't and i feel guilty because of that. I could check the different schools and it's likely i'll end up doing it anyway.
I read equin0x's old journal entries and realized i still haven't ever been in love and i realized i hadn't even read most of his entries. That's why i'm reading them now. That and because there isn't anything else to read.
I realized i want to study computer science or whatever it's called.
My parent's seemed to approve of it which i found a bit surprising because they never say anything, usually. I even found a new place to study it in, ie Riihimäki. It's about an hour from Helsinki so that'd be nice and it's more west than Imatra (was to be my first choice) is. I like west. I want to get out of here. I have nothing against russians but this is in the middle of nowhere (and Imatra's even more so). I want to get somewhere around people again.
I don't want to go to Lahti though. It's because A is there now and even if she won't be there next year i have grown an aversion to that place. It makes me to feel uneasy. I don't want to have anything to do with A again, actually.
And tomorrow i'm going to see a band with her… *sigh* It feels pretty bad to think that our relationship was a mistake but i do. It makes me feel bad because it makes me feel so embarrassed and feel so stupid. I feel so fake 'cos i never even liked her.
I wouldn't have minded good memories. And i feel so guilty because i basically pretended the whole time and just tried to have fun. But it wasn't fun. It never was fun and I regret most of the things we did.
It doesn't feel right now. I don't think they felt right even then but i didn't care. I was so busy trying to make myself happy that i forgot what i actually wanted and felt like.
It was stupid and i hate regretting things. It felt like such a good idea then. And now i feel untrue. Because i was untrue and i still am. I realize it when i read Eq.'s entries.
I think i was just trying to revenge B. And that's not right. I feel like i had deceived him actually. I feel bad because i did exactly what i felt like and it wasn't the right thing to do. I was so dumbfounded to have anyone like me. So i basically didn't know what i was doing.
I guess that's a valuable lesson. But it still hurts.
I feel so immature and stupid and bad and ashamed. The shame is the worst.
I won't wallow with these feelings because i can deal with them. I just need to talk about them every now and then.
I'm sad because I did so many things without feeling it. I'm sad because it was meant to mean everything and in the end it didn't mean anything. I'm sad because I feel like I deceived love.

Oh, blah.

Main.