1st of July 2000

Now that I have nothing to do, nothing to prepare for, nothing I could affect, I wallow in self-pity. I feel like I did everything wrong. I participated in the wrong exams. I didn't try enough. I should have done this, and should have done that. I'm going to fail and it's my own fault because I'm such a loser. I feel horrible. If only I had...

Ugh.

I have too much free time but I'm still too tired to do anything proper. I should paint but I'm knackered all the time and keep sleeping insane amounts of time. I slept through most of last week, and most of this one too. The stress about exams hasn't gone away, now it's just about the mistakes I made instead of the mistakes I might make (in the future).

I keep thinking of how much I suck. I can't break free from that. I just hate myself, and everything I have done to this date. I haven't experienced this much self-loathing in a long time. It makes me want to cut constantly because I can't deal with it that well. I feel like an idiot.

I think I'll start updating more regularly again. Even if I don't really feel like it because I've let this loathing build up inside me and it's hard to get it out again. This is what I once meant when I said I need to write. If I don't do that for a while, even a few days, I'll become reluctant to say anything and that just ends up horribly. I need to make myself write because in the end it'll be much easier that way. The point being, I need to make myself write here because that's part of the process. If I just keep it all to myself, it'd be the same as if I didn't write at all. Oh, goody. I just admitted that I use this as therapy... (However, this is much more efficient than therapy ever was to me, and I've done quite a lot of it. In fact, it amuses me to think that I actually have a past in some psych ward's records :] )

- . -

I said I should buy new bandages a few days back. I did't, but I should have. Now I need to go buy them with a still bleeding arm. I'm glad they managed to open a drugstore right next to us, only a few hundred metres from our house. I'd die if I had to walk to town.

- . -

I added a spoiler. Which was something I needed to do. So although it sucks, I'm pleased to have it at all. Also, today I cleaned my hard drive. There are so many things I just think I need but never do. So most of them are gone now.

I'm tired. I really am. I'm tired of living, of death, of everything. I don't feel like living today. I wish I could go back to bed but then I'd just have to get up again at some point. And I doubt I could sleep anyway. Everything feels so useless. I feel so useless.

Back again.