I once knew a guy who founded an on-line fanclub for himself. I thought that the idea was so cool that I joined in. He was just as cool a guy as I had suspected him to be and more like me than anyone else I've ever met in my life. We wrote each other for a year or something like that and then he disappeared from the face of the earth. I am still devastated but I've stopped thinking it's my fault.

Anyway.

About the fan-club founder. He has also stopped dealing out the member numbers, apparently, or at least he's gotten pretty selective about it. I think he got bored of it, actually (of course there's no way of knowing this, but... ). There are so many members at least some of them could have never even spoken to him and some of them showed up much after the last time he showed up online. They're kind of missing the point (although I'm not sure if there is a point), the member number is more a status symbol than anything else now. It was a cool idea, nevertheless and I think it must have done a great deal of good to him.

I was reminded of all this when I came across a clique called We Love Equin0x. It is really sweet, actually, of others to go through so much trouble to try to cheer someone up ( I think that's what the clique is for, I shudder to think that they all actually have crushes on Eq.).

Now that I think of the aforementioned fan-club, I think it's the bravest thing he must have done. It's funny, I never really thought what was his reason to found it. I'm not going to share his life story but I think that in a way it must have helped him face everything he has been through.

I don't know how Eq. feels like about his fan-club.

I keep thinking of an emotion the disappeared fan-club founder expressed through his writing. (I probably read things that aren't there though, I'm good at doing that.) He said something about frantic adoration and I interpreted it as (some kind of) claustrophobia.
I keep thinking about things that have hurt both of us so much. I guess that's what makes me cry.

I miss him sometimes, you know.