5.3.2000
I can't study today. I don't know what's going on but I just can't concentrate on anything.
I realized I got an e-mail from Equin0x two weeks ago and it freaked me out. I answered it though.
I've read stuff about synaesthesia and it's definetely me. And today i can't concentrate 'cos the words all hane colors and I can't understand their meaning. And it reminded of me how this has happened bofore and how it has always stopped me from concentrating.
I'm nervous about the Equin0x thing and the stupid e-mail and I feel like running until there's nothing anymore, until i'm just an empty shell that breaks and nothing's left of me anymore.
I want to escape, i want to disappear and i want everything to stop having colors and shapes in my head.
And i feel like screaming and i feel lonely and i don't know what to do and i don't know how to concentrate. And i don't really want to be alive right now because my stomach hurts and i wouldn't mind throwing up.
---
I tried again and failed again. I just can't concentrate.
I try to read the text but I can't focus my eyes. I don't understand what I read when I can focus my eyes.
I cut my leg a bit. It didn't make a difference. I picked my face a lot and that resulted in even lesser ability to concentrate.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be here.
I hate this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish I could be better.
---
I don't want to go to bed.
You know, this is probably the worst day I've had this week.
So i should gladly go to bed because that'd make it end. I'm just afraid tomorrow will be just like today and I really don't feel like living it through. Of course I could always just stay in bed. I'm entitled to that this year.

Index.