10.3.2000
I thought I had lost my high school diploma today. I couldn't find it anywhere. It made me feel like crying. The exact same reaction like when I lost my credit card except that this time I eventually found what I was looking for. It made me freak, it made me want to die, it made me feel so terrible about about myself and the world that I didn't want to deal with anything anymore.
I'm tired, so tired I don't know what to do. I don't want anymore, i'm too tired for that. Idon't need anymore, i'm too tired for that. I don't hate anymore, hate requires energy.
The luxurous hatred. To be something i am not, to be anything, i need that energy. I can't affrod to waste it.
I can't sleep again, it's insomnia time. The moon is getting fuller every night. Soon i'll be able to sleep again.
It snows and snows and snows.
When i watch through my window every day i start to realize how beautiful it is. The snowflakes, the sky of different colours. The air never has the same colour, sometimes it's gray, sometimes blue, sometimes yellow. I like watching it. It's fascinating. The snowflakes are marvellous. I can't stop thinking that they all are unique. There's never going to be another time they'll fall down in front of my window and my eyes.
There's never going to be another day like this.
The uniqueness of this year makes everything beautiful. Sometimes i think that there's no reason to live after this year. There's nothing to see anymore, nothing to live for.
It makes me feel happy to think i wouldn't have to continue living. It makes me feel so calm and peaceful and willing to go. I want to leave this place. It makes me feel good to think of going, getting on the bus.
Whatever happens or doesn't happen, at least i know I'm ready to go from now on. Always ready to go.
After this day, after the snowflakes, i know there's nothing to fear. Ever again.
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I want to escape. I don't want to be here, now. Anywhere ever again.
I want to love and be loved.
I need it.

Index.