July 2nd 2000

I don't know what to feel like. Have you read this?

Of course... I don't think it really matters much. And it isn't surprising. It's understandable, too. And just the way the world is. Nothing ever changes and I've stopped expecting it to.

And what do I feel?
Relief, because now the world's back to normal. He managed to shake it a bit earlier. Hence the cutting him up with a chainsaw -comment. Now the situation has been eliminated, balanced. Everything's like it should be. And this is good.

I think it's good, anyway, but sometimes I don't feel like it. Feeling is everything that matters (in a way). I suppose it'll also make everything easier, in the times to come. I know I made a promise but honestly, I don't think I'll be keeping it. Not in the end. I won't live till I'm 30. I just refuse to do that. You could argue that the situation might change. And it might, yes. But it hasn't changed for the past ten years and I don't expect it to. But I expect nothing.

Although... if the situation doesn't change, then I probably won't manage to kill myself either. I've had lots of time to do it already but I haven't managed to be anywhere close to death, yet. It could get worse. It usually does. But I don't know. I'm not going to break my promise to him as long as he cares about me.

See? The minute he gets over his EAD, I'll be free to do whatever I want again. At least I feel like it. That's what partly terrifies me. I only want to get rid of him to be able to get rid of myself. And I do want to get rid of him, on some level. That's horrible to think of. How selfish I am!
I don't want friends, really. It's too easy to hurt them (it makes me feel horrible) and it's too difficult to get attached. You have to understand that I've kept far away from people just because of that. I wanted to alienate my friends because it was bound to make it easier for me to kill myself. Of course I care about them. That's why I want them as far away from me as possible. So could anyone understand how horrible it felt like to read his significant comments? No, nothing even remotely disparaging. Other people would've been overjoyed, perhaps.

But for me... One thing that he says makes me feel so locked up, so tied to the walls again. One thing. Nothing more. And I couldn't breathe. I really couldn't. I had to get away, outside.
I don't know if anyone can understand that panic. No emotions for me, please. Nothing for me. No one for me.

People make me want to die on a regular basis. They make me feel like I was choking just by existing. I can't deal with them. However, this doesn't mean I could deal without them. That's the whole fucking dilemma. Can't live without them, can't live with them.

I have my affections. I do notice cute people. I need to be hugged every once in a while. But I can't deal with being hugged. It makes me feel like I was choking. I wrote one entry on it once.
I need to be liked but I can't deal with that, either. It makes me feel exactly like I was being hugged. Like I was choking, and I never know what to do. And like I had someone's arms so tightly around myself that I couldn't move.

I feel pressured by people. The minute they say they like me, they start to expect things. They have some fixed opinion/emotion for me. I can't deal with that. It's okay as long as no one actually says they like me. Saying it out loud, or even typing it makes it too real. And I don't want real things.
Now I'm rambling.

The point being... what? I don't know how to properly explain it. I don't have reasons for it. All I know is that I like being hated more than being liked. Hatred means that they know me. I'm worth hating, and they acknowledge that. Being liked means that they don't know me at all and expect me to be something else than what I am. Something better. Because if they knew me, they wouldn't like me. I don't like myself and I know myself (at least I think I do, to some extent). When they like me, it also means that I'll disappoint them. And they'll stop liking me. It's horrible to know how someone you like now, and who likes you now, will start hating you, eventually. Because that's what will happen. It always does. So lack of emotions for me is better than I would've expected. It's easier and makes me fairly certain that he won't start hating me. I like being ignored, almost, compared to being hated. I have more than enough experience of both. Because I never could imagine it would last. So it's good to know that he knows it too.

(much later)

The arm's a bloody mess. Quite literally.
I actually managed to start feeling ill because of it. Nearly fainted and such. That hasn't happened in months.

Back again.