21.7.2000

Have I mentioned how slow I'm at answering e-mail? Apparently people would expect a reply the same day, the next day the latest. It takes me a week to answer because I usually can't think of anything useful to say. I only come to think of a few insignificant phrases, which I will condemn as useless and end up not sending anything because I can't think of anything proper. </ramble>
(Sorry, folks. This is my apology and the reason why I won't answer you at all.)

My grandfather had a stroke the other day.

I'm nervous and I'm afraid because I know that losing him will be a bit different from losing my grandmother. It's difficult to explain but he's... a connection to certain things, certain past events and I'll never be able to use that connection after he's gone. It's like I lost a piece of my father. The one piece I wouldn't want to lose.

We have a messed up family history. It's too complicated to explain, and too unimportant as well. There are certain things...
Oh, I don't know.

The other day when I was sailing with my father I got stuck with a question. There was something I wanted to ask but I was too afraid to do that. He will never tell and I'll always be too afraid to ask. So in the end I'll find out none of the things I'd want to know. The next person to ask, and he would probably even answer, is my grandfather. I'm saddened by how I'll lose information, things I could've known. I'll lose my last chance when he dies.

Oh, perhaps this is some odd melodrama but the thought of losing him horrifies me, whereas the thought of losing my grandmother didn't. I don't see my grandfather often, once or twice a year maybe. Still, I don't know... I've always liked him.
(He's also the last of my grandparents alive. Maybe that has something to do with something.)

I wanted to go swimming last night. I stood on the beach, the tiptoes of my boots in the water, looking at the lake and the sky. It was so calm and beautiful, and I just wanted to jump in. I almost did, actually, but caught myself at the last second. So I only stumbled a bit. A few seconds later someone came around so I would probably have been saved anyway. Drowning isn't a good idea on public beaches.

It's odd... nothing seems to make me any happier. I hardly ever want anything. That's odd, too. Last night I wanted something, didn't give it to myself. I don't know why, really. It would've been so much easier that way.
You know, at some point last spring I promised myself I'd go to England if I'd pass the uni exams. It was enough to make me study for a few more pages. I knew I wouldn't keep it so it was pretty useless. In a way, I always hope I'll keep whatever promise I make. That's why I make them in the first place. I want to keep them. This doesn't mean I'd keep them, though. (So I should give up on thinking I could.)

Back again.