16.7.2000

Kate wanted to remove me from her webring. I don't know why (ed. note: a mistake with the buttons). I don't know if I care, either. But that's real life, hey you! Something happened. (Woo.)

I'm so sick of the angst of the 15-year-olds. What Caira says is much more interesting. And saddening as well because I've never been able to walk down the street without thinking that people stare (that is a bad thing, in this case). Oh, I wish I had felt like most 15 year old people seem to feel. Why don't I? It's pretty unfair, when I think of it. My life's always been too full of responsibility and shame and fear and planning. No wonder I've always felt older than my age. But it might be a good thing, in a way, because now I don't have to really 'grow up' and give up on all these teenage-things, because I never even had them. So, instead of grieving for a while over the loss of things, I permanently get to grieve over not ever having any of those things. Well, maybe that's... just the way life is.
But I wouldn't mind some teenage-stuff. I wouldn't mind being teenage that way... when everything is easy and you actually want to grow up because you think it's somehow cool.

But no more about that. The last dream I had left me feeling violated and I haven't been able to shake the feeling all day. I think it's because I'm lacking control so much, I'm so helpless in front of him. It frightens me.

- . -

So, what do I say now? Yesterday was odd, there were a lot of people, a lot of talking and eating and it was fun because I didn't have to socialize. I sat in the kitchen and took care of the used plates or I sat on the stairs of the backdoor with my sister and ate... In the evening I actually went to bed before my parents and the guests who stayed overnight did because I was exhausted. (But I couldn't sleep.)

I feel slightly deceived because someone has gotten engaged and is planning to marry. It's odd... I feel like I had lost someone, something. I always liked her, I think I almost had a crush on her. And she's turning out to be something completely different than what I wanted her to be. Oh, no, I'm not saying I'm... judging her, it's just that I suddenly feel so lonely. Everyone has their own lives, and I have nothing, no one.
The other day I kept thinking how absurd it was, how utterly horrible it was that everyone I knew wants to die. How utterly horrible and useless and stupid of me to get attached to people who don't want to be alive.

I can't handle it, actually. I want a normal life. I want a life without fear and suicide and self-injury. I want a life where it's easy to condemn and where suicide isn't the norm but something alien and horrible. I want to go out and hang out with friends and have fun and I want to fall asleep when I go to bed instead of spending hours feeling anxious and worried about everything you could possibly think of. I don't want anxiety attacks and I don't want to be afraid of calling on the phone and I don't want to get stressed and worried about social interaction and studying and living, in general. I want to want to live. I don't want to dread the future, I don't want to want to die. I don't want to cut my arm to pieces because it's the only thing I can do. I want to be normal and healthy and fine.

Oh, please someone, give me a hug and tell me it's going to be all right.
(In my world, things like hugs and comfort are impossible, and that's why I hate my world. And the worst thing is that it's all my own fault* and I don't know if I can change it anymore.)
(*- everything is my fault. I feel that way, anyway.)

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