2001-09-02

I'm not thrilled. I got an e-mail from him. First in two weeks. That's not much, you say? Well, it is, to me. Anyway, he says that he's still reading my diary (the other one) and that it's not boring. And that he's sorry I'm feeling worse again and that he'll write when he gets out of hospital. Wow. I'm not thrilled at all. I think I should be, considering that he bothered to contact me. Like it'd take so much to write an e-mail. Although then it shouldn't take much of me to write him an e-mail. Which I haven't done because I figured he didn't want to hear from me. And because I was bitter. And so on...

All e-mails he sent me used to make me smile. This doesn't happen anymore. A year ago that e-mail would've been something that'd satisfy me for weeks. And now it's not enough. It's not enough to make me hyper and cheerful. And that worries me. Because if I don't care anymore... well, maybe I just don't care. And then, why am I saying I love him? Do I love him? I don't know anymore.

I know nothing anymore. Maybe I've just overgrown the phase in which you're in love with your penpals. Perhaps I'm so depressed I can't be in love anymore. Perhaps... oh, I dunno. I feel so empty. Nothing makes me happy anymore. It isn't just him. It's everything. And in a way it makes me sad because I think it could've been prevented by something, but I'm not sure what. Perhaps by him writing earlier. Perhaps if I hadn't been so depressed. Anything.

Perhaps I'm just too heartbroken to love anyone. At least I'm very tired. Very tired and disappointed. And the *cuddle* doesn't make me feel any better. It should, I know it, but it doesn't.

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