"Other people are mirrors.
They can show you your beauty.
Or they can show you your pain.
One is real, the other a dream."

5.4.2000

This s a bit weird and certainly not any of my business (except that i'm happy for her), S lost her virginity some days ago (i only found out today). She's still technically male, but apparently she had fun anyway :) and that's the most important thing. She's also 30. Which is even less of my business. But when I was 17 I was soo eager to get rid of virginity. It was like I was deviant in some way. And 17 is 13 years younger than 30. I could've waited with a sound mind.

I don't feel like a not-virgin. I still have this thought that only sex by mutual agreement and/or penetration counts as 'real' sex. Which might or might not be right, depending on who's talking. So technically i'm still a virgin. Which doesn't really bother me. What does is that it's very unlikely i'll ever have any sex that i'd enjoy. It feels impossible. And it might be.

I'd like to have sex of which I'd enjoy. The same way that I'd like to have a life I'd enjoy. Although sex is a bit different. I just can't deal with the fact that I'm denied everything that's enjoyable in this life. It doesn't exactly matter what this enjoyable thing or action is because it differs with everyone, but I'm certain that the majority of people have something good in their lives. Otherwise they wouldn't be alive (I'm excluding all the currently suicidal people who are still alive because they have not succeded in their attempts).

I miss someone to snuggle. I've never really had a person like that (people whom I didn't want to hug don't count). A was huggable sometimes but it wasn't what I'm talking about now. I never really enjoyed hugging her, and anyway, I mean snuggling right now which is different. (I think I should stop talking about this right now. )
And anyway, I'm not really a touching person, I didn't like touching her very often but she did. Which eventually resulted in a problem (along with a lots of other things). I'm blaming the horoscopes for this, she was an air sign and I was a water sign (ironically).
Well, not really, but even horoscopes had something against us (along with parents and friends and…). It was strangely comforting. It made me feel more like I was entitled to feel the way I did (or didn't feel like). I always need some kind of justification for my emotions (even if it was completely made up).

But anyway. (I think I should go to bed now, I need my sleep but I don't feel like that right now.)
I want to feel comfortable around someone. I've never felt comfortable around anyone and I'm afraid that I never will. I feel comfortable with people who aren't present but who are available. Like e-mail buddies. And I wish they were present, usually. Depending on the person, of course. But sometimes I'm just so fucking lonely and I wish I could get up right now and curl beside someone without being afraid or feeling detached or weird.

I think it's the complete lack of human contact I've had for years. Or then it's something else, I don't know. People are frightening. And I wish I could feel safe and sound and good. I want to share the good feelings with someone. I'm a selfish person like that.
Right, I really think it's time for bed.

- - - - - -

I know I should go out and get a life. I know. It's painful to be inside on my own. And it's painful to be outside as well. How am I supposed to choose? How am I?

Both options are bad and I don't know which one'd be the lesser evil. Going out would be normal. Staying here is easier. I don't want to. I don't want to cry myself to sleep either. I can't choose. I don't know how.

"The truth will point to itself." How come it never does in my life?
I remember wanting to eat Easter eggs so very badly that it hurt, when I was younger. I didn't want to want anything then, neither do I now. But I always want something. Everyone always wants something, such is the human nature or something. And I want peace. And I want solutions. And I want to get away without doing anything for it. Why doesn't anyone make a tv program on how difficult it actually is to kill oneself? Why do they keep whining about trivial things?
Well?

Why? Why, for god's sake, there's never anything I could do? Anything else than just simply being something, someone. Why can't I change anything?

I kept thinking of the shrink the other day. How going there only changed one thing, namely that I knew no one would be able or willing to help me. And that there was no real help around, that hope is in vain, and I have no other choice than to struggle myself. Well, this I kinda knew from the beginning.

And that's why I went there, because I'm tired of always being alone, of always having to go through it alone. I'm tired of it.
I think sometimes people don't realize that if every single day of your life is struggling against the inevitable, it does wear you down. In the end you just don't have the strength to go through your own private hell every single day. It wears you down, physically, mentally. And how long am I supposed to struggle? How long am I supposed to fight against my every instinct?
Well?

And why. There's no other reason why, except for hope. Vain wishes… The fear of hurting everyone, the fear of the unknown, the fear of everything.

I'm tired now, so fucking tired. And being tired doesn't help a thing (you'd think it would, wouldn't you?).

---

So she (P) got the flat :)
I can't get my e-mail to function, for some reason. I set up my eudoramail account to retrieve the msgs that were sent here. I don't know what's wrong with it. Outlook just freezes when I'm trying to retrieve the messages.
Ugh, I don't care. I've always disliked it anyway.

Index.