26.7.2000

Something I read (how jealousy is actually a necessary part of evolution) not so long ago made me think of how monogamous I am. This is, I suppose, a product of growing up in a slightly christian household in Western Europe. It also made me realise how conditioned I am to believe that it's the only possible way of life. I'm aware of people living in polygamous relationships (without the legal disclaimer because they aren't allowed to marry) but I never consider it an option for me. I've never even thought I could end up loving anyone who'd love me as much as someone else, and want to spend time with both of us. Partly this is, of course, because I don't usually consider living with anyone a valid option (despite of my ability to attract wonderful people sometimes).

I don't want to share. I want to keep people to myself. Even the thought of getting a kid with someone I love is disturbing because it'd mean less attention to me. It'd mean that I couldn't concentrate on one person like it was my full-time job. I want to concentrate on one person. It's disturbing to think I'd love someone who wouldn't want to do that back to me.

It's also disturbing to notice that I'm actually possessive enough to probably be unable to deal with such a situation. I can imagine it well enough right now because I have subject-material (doesn't that sound horrible?) for such mindgames. This means that I'd be clinging and possessive to such a degree that I'd probably choke my partner. I wouldn't really want emotional displays but I'd need them in some degree to feel like s/he was loyal. I'd need to be certain of the commitment of a significant other. Which means I'd need someone at least partly like me. I need constant reminders of affection.

Part of the problem with A. (who is my only experiment in these things) was, though, that she was too clinging. You know, too desperate. She was feeding on me. (I never thought of it as that before Eq. made a wonderful figure of speech like that.) In the end it ended up being pretty abusive, but because I need to be needed it was hard to break free from that. If I ever enter a relationship again I have to be a bit more careful. But you know, the balance is hard to find. She wasn't a bad person (although very unaware of her own needs, which is more like pathetic than anything else), and in a way I almost encouraged her to do that because I wanted to be needed.

I don't like to think of myself as possessive-demanding. I'd like to follow such free-minded principles that'd allow free love and such. However, I'm constantly reminded of (and comforted by) a certain research (to which I can't refer you to because I don't know if it exists on-line, which makes what I say at least unreliable) about how troublesome polygamous marriages are. The jealousy doesn't exist to any lesser extent, and such. I don't know why I thought that polygamous people are less likely to be possessive. What I've read lately, though, has also suggested that jealousy is quite built-in to ensure breeding so even if I remember that first study wrong, at least this I know for fact. I suppose, then, that there's nothing initially wrong with being possessive (ie. I should stop considering it a bad thing).

There's no obvious conclusion here. Except that I'm slightly frightened because of this (you know I'm afraid of just about everything). It suggests that I'm not as self-sufficient as I'd like to think I am. But really, everyone needs other people. I'm no exception. I shouldn't be afraid of such things.
Is it even possible to need someone/something too much?

On a completely unrelated note, I've realised that social interaction doesn't make anything any better. It's distracting, but that's all. So in a way it's not worth the trouble of bothering to make human contact. Bleh.

Back again.