15.5.2000 (it's that late already? </innocent>)

I'm too much a chicken to send off an e-mail.
It'd be a simple e-mail, a correction to something I said not that long ago on icq.

It's the simplest possible e-mail I could possibly send. It'd include saying 'I didn't mean that, I meant this', nothing more. And I'm too frightened to send it.

I'd even send it to someone with whom I've e-mailed a thing or two, even fucking talked on icq with.
And suddenly, I can't do it. Just like that. I can't.

There's no explanation either. Just a screaming voice inside my brain that goes 'get the fuck out of there now!' This is ridiculous. I thought I was over this stuff. Well, I think I pretty much was. At least with that one particular person.

There's no problem with the fact that I have to correct something I've said (which would be the obvious reason for this.) I do that all the time. I have to, because I never get it out right the first time around. It's not really embarrassing, it's not something I'd fret over (normally). Right now, I just can't do it. I've been thinking of doing it since... Saturday. No, Friday. At first I didn't know how to say it better but now that I've finally figured that out, I'm suddenly all socio-phobic again. It doesn't make much sense. It never does.
This time it's just more annoying than most times. I mean, I even talked to some stranger about something on Saturday IRL without any anxiety whatsoever. And today I can't e-mail someone even if I want to. These things seem to go up and down like my moods. Really. One day I'm all anxiety-free and the next I'm a nervous wreck.

I don't know. I have no idea. The easiest thing would be putting it up here where he'd (presumably) read it. But I don't do that sort of stuff. Whatever I have to say, it's private. At least it should be. It'd be like posting it to usenet if I said it here. Well, comparable in some ways. The other option is that I'll send it. The problem is that if I do that now I'll have to poinder very carefully, over and over again about every possible word and sentence. It'll make me feel rather terrible for a while and probably even more terrible afterwards. I don't want to do that. I can live perfectly well without anxiety.
If I don't do anything about it, I'll feel queasy for a while (and it'll increase in time). Then I'll either forget it (unlikely because I hardly ever forget anything) or do something about it (not impossible, if it becomes too much for me to bear). The probable solution is that I'll think of it for a while (or weeks, depending on how fast I can rationalize it out of the way) and then it'll stay nagging at my sub-conscious and I'll remember it for a year from this date (this has happened).

Uh. So I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. And I know I've made considerable progress, but it still gets on me to get stuck on something like this. I've learnt to rationalize through these things qute quickly. It used to take much longer when I was younger. Nowadays I'm the god of all things anti-anxiety, if I'm compared to my younger self.
Jesus... <insert a loud, frustrated and tired sigh> I don't know if it's cooler to be a fucked up teenager than a fucked up adult.

Index.