13.3.2000
Jesus, don't cry.
Don't feel.
I'm tired and tired and tired and tired.
---
I saw this movie once where som kid lost his head, went crazy, started painting people he had killed using their blood as paint.
I think I might understand how he felt, why he did it, now that my head is breaking apart, now that my skin is too tight for my body. I think I've lost something, something real, something true, something like myself.
---
My internet connection froze once again. It seems to do that every hour and a half. It's a good thing, actually even if i don't like it because we won't get a huge phonebill if something forces me to quit surfing. And what was so interesting that i did? Well, i read equin0x entries. Past entries. Jesus, i have no life.
I thought i'd write some e-mails today but i decided i have nothing worth saying and i'd probably just annoy the people i'd write to. That's just an excuse though because i'm actually too lazy to write anything proper and too afraid to expose myself. I think i'll try at some point but i've said that at least a million times this year only. I always keep pushing things just a bit further away.
I wouldn't mind having a net-life but i'm fairly certain it'd be too much to keep it up. i don't like lives, in general. I like other people's lives, occasionally.
Oh, i dunno.
What i'd like to do and what i feel inclined to do is to write tara (out of shadows) an encouraging e-mail because she's been down. Things aren't that good for her, but maybe she'll be allright. I'd just like to tell her how much i appreciate that she keeps writing her diary. I've grown fond of her, in some ways, because i've read her diary a relatively long time already (over six months, i believe). I also feel guilty that i haven't e-mailed her already. I've felt like doing it but i've always gotten too scared. I need this weird impersonal feeling to do anything remotely scary. I wish things were better for her. I honestly believe she'd deserve it.
I also had stuff to say to Eq. but I forgot it as soon as i got nervous when thinking of writing e-mails. That bothers me somewhat. When i get nervous i forget and then i get even more nervous.
Anyway, today has been a terrible day. I felt so restless and disturbing and every now and then i'd cry for no reason. Then i'd pace away for another while and then cry some more.
I went to buy chocolate at some point and that cheered me up somewhat. That and surfing. I got other things to think of. I did some reading today and i also did some fretting about not getting to uni. I ended up feeling okay about it though. It's not like it's the end of the world if i don't get in.
I had a nice long walk on the graveyard also. There's a snowstorm outside and it suited my mood perfectly. I felt so calm and relaxed out there in the dark. It's so comforting to think i'll end up there some day. It helps put things into perspective. Little things don't matter that much because in the end everything will be allright. In the end i'll die anyway :) it's weird, i've been comforted by that thought as long as i can remember. I had a phase when i didn't feel i was dying fast enough and one phase when i felt i was dying too fast and there was no time to live but both have passed. I feel good about life nowadays. Even if my days are full of fits of crying and razors and thinking how incomplete i am. Because things are much better than they were.
Thank god for that.

Index.