"I'm losing my grip
Need you there to remind me
The friends I used to keep
I'm nothing again
Need you there to define me
Before I go to sleep"

---

19.5.2000

Useless trivia: I have twelve very visible keloids. Nine of them are bright red, the others are just badly placed. And because they're keloids, well, they're always visible. I'm talking about self-inflicted scars here (there are others of course). And these are the worst of them. My left arm is also full of other, much smaller scars, to the extent that it looks striped. So no short sleeves for me this summer :(
Of course, this is entirely my fault. I broke the promise of not cutting my arm so many times I stopped bothering to promise. Which was quite a disappointment, really. I didn't mean to cut it...

It's a complete summer out there. The spiders and the bugs and the other things have woken up, even the gnats have started appearing. I don't really mind. It means that I have to be careful about keeping the window open though. The wasps like to come inside and it's difficult to get them out again (we have a number of wasps' nests near our house and in our ventilating shafts and they don't seem to make a difference with the inside of the house and the outside of it). Mind you, no one wants the wasps' nests around but it's impossible to get rid of them.

I've had the weirdest, most vivid dreams lately. It's quite sad that I don't have the energy to write them down. Some of them are very amusing, and although some are just plain odd I like them all. I really like my dreams. I have an affectionate relationship with dreaming. It's much more fun than watching tv or reading or anything I could possibly do when I'm awake. Although I'm not sure if I'd give up on music to dream all the time. But that's too dull to think of right now. I need to study and all.

Oh, I subscribed to a magazine today. I got it half prize and it's something I've wanted to have for a long time. It makes me feel like I was wasting a lot of money though. The Prodigal Son (well, daughter)... I've always been quite careful with money, lately even more so. I feel like I was throwing away my life's savings, or something.
Oh well. I still have time to reconsider. It was quite an impulse buy, actually. Which is why I feel really odd about it.

<trivial and gossip>
Coffee is back to ash :/ I know this because I've been browsing through it again lately.
JA has updated and I can't think of what to say about it because it struck me as something... beautiful. (*loss of words*)
I still can't find a rant Broken wrote and it pisses me off because I really liked it. I know it existed a year and a half ago but I'm not 100% sure of where it was exactly (I have two other possible sites to check but I've been too lazy to do that until now).
Everyone's going to have their summer holidays. Except me. Duh.
I want to go to Arvika but I won't because I don't actually like festivals. So why do I want to go there? I'd be able to check out some cool bands (including Mesh & the likes). I'd also like to go to London because I like the place, but I have no reason to go there except that I'd like to go there (and that's no good reason).
</trivial and gossip>

---

I once saw a documentary on a person who felt he was born into a wrong cultural background. He was from the Netherlands somewhere and had always felt like he wasn't in the right place. At some point he came across an African tribe he instantly knew he should've been born into.This thing has a name but I can't remember it and I can't check it out right now 'cos I have no connection. Anyway, this is the same kind of thing transsexuals go through, it's just not about gender but the culture. He knew he should've been born in that tribe. There was a lot of psychological crap included but let's not get into it now.
It's apparently not that uncommon though.
This just crossed my mind. I used to think I didn't belong. This has nothing to do with the above stuff, other than this reminded me of it. When I was a kid I was convinced I was born in a wrong place at the wrong time. I felt completely alien. I still feel that way but to a lesser extent. (I'm inclined to believe I'm not the only one who goes through this because I'm hardly anything extraordinary.) It had a lot to do with the overall need to get away from my life, I think. Escapionism.

There was an article of childhood depression in the paper today btw. Apparenly 90% of the cases go unnoticed. I don't know how they got that figure. It's a lot. A whole lot. And the only cases that get noticed are the loud, hyper-active kids, predominantly male. Cool. Someone I vaguely knew tried to kill herself when she was twelve (she's my age). She was one of those quiet little girls. It just makes me so mad to know that no one noticed, no one cared and... arg. I'd just like to smack everyone, myself included. Although I'm angrier at the parents and teachers when I think of things a lot of kids in my class had to live through and absolutely no one gave a shit. I know I can't really blame them. It's something no one has any control over. This world is full of terrible things and no one can protect anyone from them. I just keep thinking that those kids never deserved it. It's not fair. I hate the world because it's a bad, terrible, painful place and most of all, all the suffering we go through, all the shit is so useless. There's no heaven, there's no hell, there's nothing. We live for a while, go through unnecessary pain and that's it. Bling. We're dead.
So fucking meaningless.
Oh, one more ridiculous thing. Childhood depression is "best prevented by having a good parent - child-relationship". Hands up now, who had that?

Index.