18.3.2000

There was a somewhat cheery day.

Now there isn't.

Today is a terrible day.

There aren't any painkillers in this house. Nothing else to intoxicate myself with, either.
I meant to buy the painkillers for a long time ago already but I forgot.

I could use them now. Preferably an overdose (just a small one, I wouldn't want to get caught).

No, there's nothing to write about.

I wish I could sleep sometimes. Insomnia is absolutely terrible.
I wish I didn't need sleep, actually.
Or something.
I've been remarably lazy today. I've kept watching tv and wishing I could get back to sleep.
I don't like weekends. There are too many people at home. I can't concentrate on anything.
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What I thought of the other day but then forgot all about it: I can't remember when I last cut. It'd be great so say I haven't cut fot a month or two or so but I can't because I have. However I can't remeber if I last time cut a week or two weeks ago. It's not the break that's the victory in the battle to overcome this (bad) habit butit's the fact that I haven't thought about it so much I'd actually remember. I haven't even considered cutting for a long time. So, yay me! Be proud of me all you people who'll never know me and who'll never even read this and couldn't care less!
Yay. I'm weird.
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To talk about boring stuff: I finally got my eyeglasses fixed today. Which is cool 'cos the nosepaddings have been acting weird for ages and the bows have been crooked since last summer when I accidentally fell asleep my glasses on. So now the lenses don't hang all over my cheeks instead of being where they're supposed to be.
For some reason I've never been afraid of opticians. Of course I can't make myself go there alone unless it's an emergency (that hasn't happened yet) but they're nowhere as scary as ordinary doctors. Opticians are always nice (considering the amount of money I spend there they'd better be).

I've been considering trying to get a summer job. Although I'm way scared, of course. I wish i could get to work some place without humans. I'd like cleaning or something like that.
When I was wee I used to want to cleaner (cleaning woman, whatever) because I knew I wouldn't have to talk to people if I did that. It still is something I probably wouldn't mind doing.
I'm thinking that perhaps I should check the job ads at some point next summer for a part time job 'cos right there isn't anything. And I could avoid it even longer. Of course it's entirely possible that I'll never have the courage. I try to tell myself it's because I'm afraid , not because I'm lazy that I never even applied for a job. It's true, even, I'm afraid but my mind still keeps insisting that I'm too lazy because I don't fight my fear. Like I really could fight it. Because I can't and I've tried. It's just that I feel like I never tried hard enough. My shrink said I was way too hard on myself.
I wish I was. Perhaps it'd make me feel less lazy. (Weird train of thought, don't ask.)

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There aren't any painkillers in this house.

Index.