8.9.2000
'suicide notes'

Peacemaker.
Sweet little peacemaker.
I hate you.
Peacemaker.
Soft pink peacemaker.
I'll destroy you.
Peacemaker.
Ripped and torn peacemaker.
I'll cut you apart from me.
I'll decorate your skin with glowing stars, scars, scabs.
You'll be gone tomorrow so it cannot matter now.
(Irrational, darling. Irrational.)
Everything that is only exists now.
If you cannot fight it, wait and it will pass.
Wait wait wait. Someday it will come.
Some day will come.
Always.

Wait!
That isn't right, never was, never will be.
Broken promises.
I love you.
But what is love?
Attachment.

Aching.
Changed username and password.
Now I am clean, purified.
Virgin.
Scars erased. Bleached.

I'm dying.
Inside and outside.
Save me.
Protect me.
Hold me, for I am dying.

Death is never painless.
Death is never avoided.

I thought I'd kill myself if you killed yourself.
Why?
You aren't my reason for living.
But you could be.
Why not be my reason for dying?

I control my death.
I do it myself.
A DIY-kit for death. Suicide.
Nothing new.
Nothing changed.
No one here.
I don't have my razor blades.

I have a kitchen knife.
And I have veins and I have blood.
And I have the will and courage.

But I cannot believe myself.

Write about suicide and you'll be famous (until we forget).
Commit suicide and your memory won't live any longer than we do.

Wreck fluffy things.
Rip off the wings of a butterfly.
Tear your creation, throw it away.
Shoot your classmates, the effect is about the same.
No one will ever know anything about you.
I can understand serial killers because I am one.
Torture(r).
Limbs can be cut off.
Skin can be pierced, burnt, removed.
Hair can be torn away.
Implant a cancer cell inside you.
It will grow and fill you.

I will fall down.
I want to fall down.
I want to crawl inside you and disappear.

I'm in disagreement with my organism.
It lives but I don't.
A contradiction?
No.
It leads me. It is innate.
I don't object (I can't object). I don't exist.
I refuse to pretend I do.
I am heavy. I am difficult, reluctant.
I refuse to wake up.

One day, quite soon, it'll be snow that's falling on me.