9.4.2000

Today's my sister's 22nd birthday.
I feel bad. I feel bad because of the second entry of April 6th. I feel bad because I feel like I've made myself reveal how crazy I really am. I feel crazy, I feel weird, my mind feels like it has been crooked and bent.
I feel bad because I am immature and stupid and an idiot and because I'm always mean to people who are nice to me. And I mean always. I feel bad because I'm clinging and idiotic and cause people distress.

I feel bad because I am a bad person and I hate being that way so much that it overwhelms me. I know I should change my ways of thinking and I can do that but I can't change my ways of feeling and acting and that makes me feel terrible. I'm a mean person and I always have, and there's no way out. And I don't want to be mean. I don't want to.
And tears don't change a thing. I've cried so much already, so many years. And all they make me think is that I'm a self-pitying fool who doesn't even want to change. I want to be this way. There's no other explanation. Otherwise I could've pulled myself back together already, a long time ago. I could've changed already but instead I'm committing the worst crime of all and only concentrating on myself. I'm so selfish. And I even whine about my selfishness on-line and that must be because I want someone to pity me and love me so that I wouldn't have to take care of myself. I must be using the self-hatred as an excuse. "I didn't mean it, I was just feeling terrible. I'm sorry." Like that was a reason! Like that was a justification for anything!

Because I want to feel better so much, and I try to distract myself, to allow myself to feel better. To fool myself. Because I know, I know. I don't deserve to feel better. I don't. I deserve to despised and hated and kicked around and no one even does that. No one cares enough to even hit me. I'm that useless. No one even uses me to get rid of their hatred. And in the end I just want to be needed and loved and god knows what but that's just plain wrong.

I don't deserve to be hated, even. I'm too pathetic for that and it's only right that people stopped hitting me because I am too despisable to be touched even. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to be alive because I'm just a constant reminder to everyone how they have failed in life and how terrible a human being can be. And it isn't right for them to see me, because they deserve better.

I need to die already. Although I don't deserve to die because there are people, poor things, that have been built to be attached to me in some ways. And I'd hurt them. I can't risk hurting them. I've done enough of that already.
I wish they'd let me know if they're happy to get rid of me. I'm such a selfish human being. Only thinking of myself, I want to get rid of myself because I'm such a terrible thing, not thinking about others, it's not fair. I should finish it, everyone'd be better off. Everyone. There's no need for something, someone like me.

And tomorrow I'll upload this, surely. To torture invisible eyes with my terrible thoughts. Like I hadn't done enough bad things already.

Index.