14.5.2000

And today, today's Mother's Day.

It doesn't get really dark anymore. The sky's always a bit lighter than it should be.
This spring is soon over. Next month is considered summer here. And the following. And then the Autumn comes. I'm sad actually. Despite everything this spring has been a very good time to be alive. I wouldn't want to give up on it. I wouldn't want it to end. The entrance exams will begin soon. The take me across the country for a few weeks, perhaps. And when they're over I'm probably going to go sailing for a while. After that I'll have nothing to do exept to wait for the uni results. I don't know what I'm going to do then. I don't know what to do after I get them.

It's odd. I won't be online that much anymore. I won't have time. I'll have to do all sorts of real-life things. And after I get the results I'll have to decide what to do next. It'll be terrible if I don't get in. It's stressing and tiring and also the most likely thing to happen. But at least I've tried to do something about it.

Anyway, I have to move out next Autumn, whatever happens. It means paying my phonebills unless I go to Turku and get the flat where there's a permanent internet connection (which is what I'm kind of hoping for). And I'll also have things to do, I'll have to study, work, socialize (in a way, at least), all that kinds of things. I can't sit here anymore and just be happy about not having to go anywhere. I'll have to be a real human again, at least act like one, and this year has been so good partly because I didn't have to do just that. It's been good also because I never had to wake up too early and because I've been able to do things with my own pace, no one's been pushing me around. I hate schedules. I hate it when I have to take a certain class at certain time, do things like others say I need to.

It's going to be weird. And I'm going to miss this year.
I read some earlier journal entries from years ago and there I swore that I'd take a year off after 12th grade. I suppose I did. I could've gotten to a few schools, actually. I chose not to go. I didn't tell that to my parents though. They would've forced me go there, probably. I figured it wasn't a risk worth taking. So I've just been slacking off. But at least I've been relatively happy. There's been no excess stress. I've gotten a few good nights of sleep.
You know, it's been good. The whole of it has been pretty enjoyable. I've found people I like. I've done stuff I've always wanted to do but never had time to do before. I even bought my mother a mother's Day present, on my own :)
I already miss this.

Of course the spring isn't over yet. There's still a few weeks, two in fact, till the first exam. The 30th of May, remember to wish me luck then :) Two weeks means that I won't be around much, I think. Now all my energy goes to studying (or should at least). It's important. I really want to get in. Probably. I doubt I'll have enough energy to ponder and wonder about everything and even write about it. The writing part is the hard one. I don't know though. Sometimes things don't work out like they're supposed to. Like I thought they would.
The thing is, this year I know where my boundaries are. I know when I'll break. I also know how to stop myself from breaking, I hope at least. Which is something very important.
I don't know… I'm hoping I'll come back but I don't know. Right now it feels like I should give up. Like I should say a few goodbyes. Because whatever happens, I won't be exactly the same person I was this spring. There'll be little changes, so small you can barely notice them.

I've relied so much on this somputer screen, you know. It's like a friend, almost. I can whine, I can cry, I can scream, I can do anything and it never backfires on me.
I don't know if you ever go through this. You know there's a step you need to take but you wouldn't want to take it, because it means giving up on something you've cherished for a long time. Well, of course, you must have. I think so at least. A lot of people have to. Moving on is just sometimes painful. This time it isn't too painful. Last spring it was. Last spring it was too much for me to do. So I'm different from what I was last spring too. Now I'm supposed to… continue. Move on, become this weird person who does school-work again, who cooks and who reads and understand, who talks to people, who writes essays. And it's quite hard. This year I've been able to crawl up inside me, close my eyes, make it go away for another while, but this year I can't anymore. Responsibility. It's so adult, so dull, so demanding. Something I'd rather not do. I realized yesterday, when I went outside to buy a present, that it isn't so damn difficult, not this time. I'm quite attached to the part of me who's melodramatic, who writes rants about things that have nothing to do with reality, who goes to sleep with a piece of world that doesn't exist with her. I like being introspective, I like spending time trying to figure out how I feel. It's safe, in a way. And it's more real than some things. It isn't necessarily any easier than living like a 'normal' person but it's how I'm used to do it this year.
For some reason, summer always makes me feel like something was ending. It's the ending of the school year, it's the end of seeing some people, it's the ending of some things you've done for a long time. Endings and beginnings. The beginning is the easy part, actually. I can always begin. The ending, the giving up… that's what makes me melancholy, that's what makes me want to write a few more lines than I meant to.

You know why (partly why, at least) I've never actually killed myself? Because I've never been able to give up on anything. Not even the hurt. It's something I own, it's something that's mine. I can't give up on it because I'd be left with nothing except the pain of giving up. And I can't bear that. I can cope with what I have already but I can't take more of it. Not even for those fast few seconds that I'd still exist.

I'm scared, you know. I'm supposed to do all these things I'm not entirely sure if I can do. I'm supposed to go through exams and then I'm supposed to wait for the results. And it just feels like something so huge, so…drastic. I know it can't go any other way than it goes (there's no belief in destiny in this, it's simply that when something happens, that overrules of all options that could have happened, of course.) but it still makes me wonder. Right now I could probably still effect the possible outcome of things. I don't know if I'm doing my best. I know I can't do any more though. It'd be too much and I've had enough of 'too much' to this date. I don't know if it's good enough. I don't know what to do if it isn't. I can tell that I'm in better position than last year. I just don't know if it's enough. I don't know if anything's ever enough. I can't be anyone else than I am though. I can't study more if I can't. Sometimes I wonder if I could.
I'll have time to think later on. I'll have time to go through everything. And if I do too much now, if I run around like someone was chasing me… I'll never make it to the point where I could think, where I could feel, where I would have time.
I don't know if I'll be back. I can't think of coming back. I can't think of still being alive. My image of the future doesn't exceed two weeks. Two weeks I know I'll live. But after that, I don't know. But we're supposed to live one day at the time, aren't we?

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When the schools start again in the Autumn, when the summer holidays are over, there will be some diaries that aren't updated anymore. Some of them come back later, delete the whole thing, and/or leave a note saying that they got a life/fell in love/whatever and that they aren't going to update any longer. Some of them just disappear, without a word. Maybe they forgot their password, maybe they died, maybe they got married. And I'll never know what happened to them. That's what I dread about the summer, the change. There's going to be some diaries gone which I liked, and I'll never know what happened to the authors. And it takes time to find new diaries to like. The internet is so full nowadays, there are so many 31337 DOODZ and whatever wannabies. It's getting harder to find anyone/anything anymore. I'm always afraid people will get a life. Or a death.

Index.