13.5.2000

The flu's weird. I've had it for three weeks, and if at first it was because of an allergy, it definetely isn't that now. I don't usually have flus like this. Usually my flus are quick and painful and they end when I finally have fever (within a week from their start). Now I don't have fever. I doubt I'll ever have fever. I almost wish I had. This flu seems to have developed to sinusitis again but I still don't have fever. Which is plain weird.
And I'm still cold all the time.

Today I'm glad I have a cell phone. I've been calling back and forth to my sister about what to get for my mother. I hate buying presents. I probably hate it even more than receiving presents. Receiving presents only makes me feel awkward and weird and guilty because I'm not happy to get them. Giving presents makes me panicky and full of anxiety and worry and guilt because I hate giving presents and I think it shouldn't be so. It's just that I have no imagination. I can never think of anything proper to give to anyone, and even less can I think of anything they'd like to have. Then I have to run around and try to think of something that doesn't completely suck and that's an impossible task to complete. I'm probably too critical to accept any of my ideas. But the fact is, there's nothing to give to ayone I know. My mother has everything. She doesn't need anything. At least no anything that'd be worth buying. No one else needs anything either. The shops are full of crap that no one wants to have and I definitely don't want to buy. I can't buy anyone anything that I consider to be terrible. It'd be okay if I didn't care but I'd like to give people stuff they'd like and things that are beautiful imo, and that's not possible. And I'm just too lazy and cold and not caring to actually do something for my parents.

Besides, there's nothing more idiotic than giving people presents just because someone has come up with such a tradition. If anyone really cared they'd give each other presents all the time when they found something proper. It's stupid to spend two days a year desperately trying to act like they cared.
Ugh. Things like this give me a headache. And I really could live without headaches.
(Can anyone tell I'm pissed off?)

My sister and father just got back. They talk about watching the Eurovision. Uh. Although the Eurovision song contest used to be the night when we sat by the tv and giggled at the (bad) music and the (bad) commentators and for those ridiculous points, it's something I don't like that much. It's been years from the nights when it used to be funny, and even longer from those years when I actually was interested in the result. It's quite nostalgic actually. It's something that happens every year, before Mother's day and I've had great fun watching it. I just don't feel like watching it right now. It almost makes me sad. It's a memory from the past and I don't generally like memories. And sometimes when I actually do have memories, good memories… it just makes me so sad. Something so good is so gone and I'm not going to get it back. Although I don't know if I want it back. I'd like to make new happy memories, not just repeat the old things. Especially when they're not that funny anymore. I doubt I'd be able to point my finger at the tv screen and laugh. It just doesn't seem to work that way nowadays.

There's also the fact that there's always a few bad moments. When I think back I get the good nights first but in the end there's something more difficult and sadder, more frightening behind it. Nights that were supposed to be spent laughing or fascinated in front of the tv but never happened that way. Things that creep up that you even if you try to forget. It's just annoying. I wouldn't want to spoil everything. I don't want to remember. I never asked to remember. I'm furious because I can't keep even my few good memories. Because it's unfair. And because I don't think it's normal. Memory usually is supposed to make things better. People automatically remember the good things instead of the bad things. That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way it goes. Don't tell me you don't know at least one person who dealt with shit when she was a child and now thinks those times were happy and uneventful. (And, yes, I'm thinking of a particular person I know). It's just… I think there was something about that in our psych books. It's normal to think of days gone by as better than those ones you're living through now. And my mind refuses to do that. And I'd like to refuse to believe that it was that bad. Because it can't have been. I can't allow it to be. It's not fucking fair!
Because there is no such thing as a thing you can't deal with.

I'm sorry. I'm tired. I know all the excuses. I know them and the sad thing is that I'd really like to believe them. It's easier that way. It's easier to have no reason for your hurt than actually have a reason. Because there's always hurt that exists because of no reason, it just appears, and when you top that with hurt with a reason…

There was a conversation on ash about this once. Someone said she hoped she had been raped or beaten up because it would've given her a reason to feel bad, it'd justify her pain. But someone else answered that hurt from that event would just be added to the hurt that was there before. And it would solve nothing, it would give nothing. Even if you think that having reasons make the hurt more bearable somehow, it doesn't do that. There's always just too much of it. The reasons never help a thing.

---

I'm tired and I feel melodramatic because my life's good. I sit here and feel sorry myself although I have no reason to do that. I never felt sorry before. You don't feel sorry for yourself when shit happens. You only feel that afterwards. Perhaps it's some sort of a grieving reaction. I don't know.
I still haven't had time to think of some things that were said not so long ago. It's disturbing because I have a feeling that at least some of it deserves attention.
The thing I hate about talking to other people is that I never have time to think. I don't have time to ponder what exactly is said and why and what it means. I forget a lot of things. And a lot of interesting things just drift by because I don't know how to deal with them. I'm slow that way. It's difficult to talk to people because you're supposed to answer in less than half an hour. That's one of the things that are on my mind. But I don't have time to get into it right now. I could probably write an essay on simple and dull things, like tying your laces. I think so, at least. If I have enough time to think almost everything is fascinating. Even shoelaces.
</tired ramble>

Index.