25th of July 2000

"He isn't a drug dealer, is he?"
Their reaction is insulting. (I try to pretend I'm amused to protect myself.) Their questioning faces and slight exaggeration of the importance of my actions. I tell them I called to England on their phone and they nod in agreement and assume it was something more than it is. For them, calling someone means something more than it does.

For them, the fact that he's male means they can make whatever assumptions they like. They call him creep and check out my reactions. They'll make insulting comments and want to shut him out, like he was a threat to them. They protect the air around me as if they were afraid of losing me. They feel ignored and old, they think I'm about to abandon them (but really, didn't I do that years ago?).

My parents still don't properly accept my sister's boyfriend. They've been dating for four and half years. They don't like him. I assume they think they don't need to. They treat him like he was a stranger and that, to me, is insulting.

My mother doesn't want me to go to T. She doesn't say it out loud, she never does, but she tries to explain how much better it was if I went to Hki. She implies, and she's selfish and transparent while doing that. She only thinks of her point of view. She had a perfect dream of a perfect daughter and she cannot accept that she doesn't get what she wants.

She's afraid I'm something else than I am. She is wary and scared because I suddenly call England and she didn't know about that. She thinks she knows me, that she sees through me, and in a way I'm transparent to her eyes. But she doesn't know me. She doesn't know what I do. She makes assumptions but she doesn't want to think of the worst possible option (which is closest to the truth) and therefore she never asks. She doesn't want to know.

She wants to keep her little imagination of reality. She criticizes things she doesn't understand. She gets more and more withdrawn in the maze of her own assumptions and interpretations of the situations. She thinks her truth is the only one and she doesn't want to consider other options. The older she gets, the more inflexible she gets. It's like she was declining.
Her reason why I should go to Hki is the exact same reason why she tells me I shouldn't go to T.

Back again.