20.3.2000

I wrote an entry yesterday but decided it's not something I want anyone to see.
Let's just say that yesterday was a bad day.

Today I need to get my hair cut. It scares the shit out of me. I've never gotten along with haridressers.
Anyway, lately I haven't been well. There are things I have no idea what to do about. There's a nagging feeling of fear inside me and it doesn't help me solve anything. I'm so scared.

I can't handle the social phobia at the moment. It has become too much. I can't live like this, actually. And I don't know what to do. Everything seems to be impossible. I should see a doctor, actually, for a certain thing that I'm sure is not good and which I should have gotten checked year ago already but I can't because I'm so scared of the doc. Even thinking of it makes me feel so terrible. And I can't really continue like this.
I can't hadle the pressure the thought of going to university brings either.
This is a very bad time for me.

It's so easy to think I need to see a doctor about my skin and about my social phobia but I just can't make myself call and make an appointment. The worst thing is that I'd rather die than have to go through that. I don't want to go there, I don't want to see a doctor. I don't want to die either but the more I think of it the more tempting it feels.

I can't handle the fear anymore. it used to be inside certain limits, it used to go away but now it's percistent, it never goes away. It has gotten worse over the years even if I've tried to fight it. And now I'm just not up to fight it anymore. It seems to have gotten it out of proportion. It's everywhere, every time, and I can't handle it anymore.

And I honestly don't know what to do.
The only reasonable option would be getting help. But I can't get help, can I?

Anyway, it's stupid to just whine about this. It won't help me solve anything.
I saw a weird dream last night. It was about a girl I one knew who had come back here (she moved away when I was about 14). Anyway, she came back to tell me she had fallen in love with me. It was really weird because I haven't seen her for six years or so. We hung around, talked about cyckiling. She was a professional bicycklist, or something.
Before that I learnt to fly, for some reason. I was inside a mall with a few other people whom I knew and there was a garage sale of some sort. I hung around there after most of the people had left and talked with my friends in the back room. There was a rag of clothes and some sort of a fan in the ceiling. It was a small room, actually, but with big wondows. I relaxed my muscles and thought I was light, so very light, and then I flew. I lifted myself to the air with the power of my thoughts. I thought I was light and then I flew. I knew exactly how to do it althought I had never done it before. It was magical.
I flew for a while, up to the celing and then came back to earth. I tried again a bit later but I didn't succeed. I knew why, though. I hadn't been in balance, somehow. I can't really explain it, it was just that my muscles weren't the right way somehow, my breathing wasn't right, I was too stuck on irrelevant things.

I need to prioritaze. I need to see that doctor. I need to.
I just have to get used to the idea. I don't know if I can do it.

- - -

I'm back. My hair looks like human hair again. It's wet outside, lots of very wet snow and huge pools of water everywhere.
Someone I still don't recognice said hi to me again. I figured he's just some loony, I don't know anyone who'd be even remotely his age or looks. Whatever.

I decided I'd give the doctor a call. I just don't know if I should wait till my recent cuts close up or till they're completely faded. I'd kinda like to call him right away so that I'd get it over with but I have no idea what to say. So I think I'll have to wait for a while. To clear my thoughts. I'm just afraid that if I wait for a few days I manage to forgot all about it again and never do anything about it. You know, the relief that thinking of doing something about everything is enormous. That's why I think I need to do it now. That, and because there's no reason not to. There's no other option, really. I can't live like this anymore. I have to do something about it.

Wish me luck.

Index.