6.4.2000

I broke the skin once again. Not with razors but with nails. I never really believed my nails could be so destructive. My sister had terrible nails. Everytime we fought she managed to scratch my skin enough to make it bleed. We fought a lot when we were kids. It was the norm in the family. Bah.

I was lying on my back on the living room floor and staring the clouds that rushed by. I like it, I should do it more often. I think everyone shoud have to lie on the floor and look at the clouds at least two hours a week. Someone should make a law of that. I'm certain it'd do good for a lot of people. How many people do you reckon lie on the floor and just relax every once in a while? Not many, I bet. And they miss a lot when they don't do it.

I finished Les signes et les prodiges by Francois Mallet-Joris. It's a wonderful book, I had no idea he'd kill himself in the end of it all. By the way, Ingmar Bergman said he'd like to kill himself rather than die of old age. And he said that on television. I think I love him ;)
I woke up too late today to go to town. My excuse is that if I can't get out of bed before noon and if I can't get to town before noon, it's too late and I need to hurry doing other things anyway. So I pushed it back a day again. Also, I really thought it was Friday already and the minute I found out it isn't, I felt so relieved that I didn't have to go that I decided to push back my torture again. I'm so happy that I don't have to go anywhere. I'm really lazy.

Duh.

I kept listening to radio last night because I always get bored when I can't sleep. The broadcast lasted till 2 am. Which was surprisingly long. I listened to some Roskilde live tape, namely Death In Vegas and Cibo Matto. I liked them both, actually. I can't remember when I last heard either of them play. It must be years ago or something, because I haven't listened to radio for ages and I own none of their albums.

(Yeah, I know, I should be studying. )

We'll go see P's new flat on Sunday, I think. Now that she's moving out we'll have one empty flat in Hki. If I got to study there I'd have an appartment ready. But I don't think I will get there. It's a shame, in a way. I could've saved lots of money that way. I'm tired, you know. I'm supposedly a middle class kid from a middle class family and I think I'm supposed to be normal in a way middle class kids are. When I was a kid there was a famine in Africa and the teachers would tell us to eat the food we got and not complain because we had what to eat and we should be grateful for that. I never understood why we should have been anything, why we should have cared. We were kids, we didn't have any idea what famine meant and we had no means to fight it. Yet they made us feel guilty because we were better off. Like we had had any choice on that matter. Like we wanted to be the ones who survived and who had to feel guilty for it. We were told so many times how lucky we were. But were we lucky? Really? It's not a question of luck, it's a questions of chance. It's a question of life. We were never any luckier than those who died there. Oh, sure, we didn't die of malnutrition. And we had all kinds of things that they never dreamt of. But were we lucky? I don't think so. Just different.
Oh, I ramble too much.

- - -

My mother doesn't like my sister. I don't know what's up with that but I think it's terrible. She's never done anything to her. She would never say it out loud and I think she'd never even have the guts to think of it but it's true. She acts a certain way, there's a certain amount of coldness and she's always a bit edgy when it comes to P. And she always seems to think lesser of her whenever she does something.
I think she thinks they're too different or something. I don't like my other very much because of this. It gets on me. If a person gets kids, she'd better love them as well.

I've wasted most of the day playing solitaire. I woud've thought I'd think of somehing more sensible to waste my time with. But no. I'd actually like to go outside right now but if I'm going to go out I need to go shopping too and I don't feel like going to the store that's full of people (because they all got home from work and the first thing they seem to do is go shopping). It's a beautiful sunny day. It's also the sixth. I wonder how J's trial went.

Index.