3.5.2000 (I'm tired so I might not make much sense.)

I was watching Canada- Czech ice-hockey game tonight. It was the first of the World Championship games that I've seen. Canada played terribly, at times it was comparable to our ice-hockey games in school. Yes, it really was that bad. Anyway. I've read quite a few articles on how players from either Canada or USA are refusing to come to St. Petersburg to play. Apparently they aren't coming just because of the games are taking place in Russia, of all places. I don't know about other countries, it might be happening there too. It's quite difficult for me to understand why. I might understand it if they said it was because they protest towards the war of Chechenia (sp?) but apparently it's for other reasons also. I just don't understand. St. Petersburg is about as dangerous as London. There might be more cockroaches and mafia but it's quite obvious that the mafia's not going to screw up the possibility of paying customers by acting all ridiculously. Perhaps it's about cold war or something. I don't know. St. Petersburg is a beautiful town. It's also 250 kilometres from here so it might be that I lack the kind of prejudice most people have towards Russia. I tend to lack a lot of prejudices, I've noticed. Anyway, the reason I'm not going there is that a lot of people have been plain stupid and thought that people will pay anything for a hotel room and also because I have no interest in ice-hockey. I only watch it if I'm bored and it's something like World Championships and there is nothing else on.

I used to have an issue of Select that had a picture of Richey from the Manics in it. It was that picture where he's cut his arm open. I think I've thrown it out now. But anyway, there's something fundamentally... disturbing in seeing other people's cuts. There's a webring out there for self-injury pictures. Imho, it's a bit bad taste but if people want to see those pics, it's fine with me. It's just that I don't want to see those pictures. I don't want to be anywhere near them. They upset me. Probably it upsets other people likewise. I can't pinpoint what exactly is so terrible in them.
They're perhaps more shocking than pictures of people who've been injured in accidents and such. It's the self-injury element that makes it so bad. It's not like I can look at people injured in accidents either without feeling sick. But there isn't the same kind of rush of emotions, there's just a certain kind of nauseated feeling. However, I get generally better on with dead bodies than injured bodies. I'm quite sure that if I happened to be on a scene of accident I'd flee or go to shock instead of being able to do anything for the victims.

The thing is, I'm out of bandages. I haven't bought them because I don't really need them. It's just a question of comfort. They're easy to use, my clothes stay clean and they make me feel like I was pampering myself. In general, they make me feel better about myself. It's sometimes very useful and very much needed. Most of the time not though. So I haven't bothered to buy them because they cost money (which is the excuse I need to have) and the fact that they make me feel better after cutting is quite disturbing. I'd need other ways of coping, and using bandages doesn't encourage me to do that.

It's quite interesting actually. I can cut myself but I can't watch other people cut themselves and I can't stand their wounds (however, scars have absolutely no effect in me). A had a brief period of cutting (I think she followed my example) that made me feel absolutely terrible. It makes me feel quite hypocrite, actually. I expect others to tolerate my self-injury but I can't allow others do that. And although I can look at my wounds, the fact that they amputated a leg from my distant relative of mine made me feel terrible for days. The thought of amputation is terrible. I have no problem in dealing with people who lack a leg in real life but I can't stand the thought of the actual amputation. Which is pretty odd.

I thought I'd go see Girl, Interrupted tomorrow. Partly because I've always had a thing for Winona Ryder. And partly because everyone else has seen it. And partly 'cos I feel like going to movies.

Index.