5.7.2000

Last night I dreamt of watching someone burn alive. It was a naked woman in a room, there was only a small way out. There was another room and that room was burning. The naked woman was with someone, a priest, someone who thought it was better to die. So he walked to that another room, to burn alive. There was no smoke, no sound, no heat. Only flames. The woman waited alone for a while. She didn't move, perhaps couldn't make herself move. She watched throught the crack of a door, and the vision of white snow and blue air was fading as the wall started to fall down on her. The wall fell on her, the flames still didn't reach her. She lay there, under the wall and knew the flames would burst throught it in a second. And she thought she should be brave like that guy, take it like it was, go to meet god like she was supposed to. She felt too powerless to lift the wall. She couldn't get away under it and whenever she thought of having to get up and burning herself, like she thought she needed to do, the fear was immense. She was so scared. So exhausted. There was no way out.
She knew she had to die, but she was afraid of the flames, of the pain. She thought she had no clothes on and that frightened her, she knew that the first thing she would feel were the flames, there was absolutely nothing to isolate herself from the pain.

- . -

I cannot deal anymore. I just can't. This is the day to kill myself if any day is.
I almost asked him if he'd mind if I broke the pact.
I can't stop crying at all anymore. There's no numbness this time. There's no salvation.

Back again.