31.3.2000 II

I can't find a few files on my 'puter. It's quite disturbing. I know they are there because I haven't done anything that'd get rid of them but I still can't find them. I figured they might be under a different name than what I think they are. And how on earth am I supposed to find them then?

Oh well.

I'm listening to Dirt Merchants. I have one of their albums, 'Scarified'. I don't really like it and I just bought it because it cost me 1FIM. Which is like ten pences, or something. It was ridiculously cheap, how could I not buy it?
Most of my cds are cheap. I can't afford to buy many of the normal prized cds. That's why it takes me two years to buy a cd because that's when I can get it on sale. Mostly. I've meant to buy Downward Spiral by NIN for years now but I can't afford it because it's never on sale.
I've never heard of Dirt Merchants. Apparently they're from N.Y but that's all I know about them. I don't even know if they exist anymore. The cd's years old.

I'm supposed to study now.

You know, I miss Brighton. I liked that town. I liked to be there. I remember what the place looked like in sunlight. It was a different kind of sunlight than it is here. It was brighter, more yellower. It looked cleaner, almost. And I liked the way it smelled there. And even if it rained it was never as dark as it is here. I liked the bus rides and the tide and the little ancient graveyard where I almost scared R to death. And I miss R, actually. She was probably the closest of my friends.
I miss singing out loud, out of tune, in the middle of the night in some boring suburb and sleeping in a room that was tinier than any room I had seen before. And the food that made us laugh because it wasn't at all what we were used to. And the trips to Oxford and London and to the seashore. I saw someone with a fabulous green hair there and I immediately fell in love with her hair. I've wanted green hair since then but it'd probably look terrible on me. And I don't know how she got it that color. It was the most wonderful deep and rich shade of green.
I miss the doves in the railway station and the old part of the town where we almost got lost. And the little shops that sold fabulous shoes and the huge movie theatres (compared to what they are here). Most of all I miss the light. Southern England isn't south enough to have that kind of dazzling light there is in the south, instead it's bright and wonderful and it doesn't make your eyes hurt.
There was always cold. Always windy. I liked it though. I like the wind and it was never as cold as it is here.
I miss the supermarkets and shops I had heard of but never actually been into, and I miss the local trains and the local people. And I miss the sea.
If I ever get a chance, I'll go back there. Just to see what it's actually like, how much I remember things that weren't actually there. Memory always fails me, things are always different than what I think they were. I'd go there because for a while I was happy there, not to tell myself I am wrong though. I'd like to see the places again. For old times' sake. To re-live good memories for a change.

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