16.5.2000

I can't, can I?

I listened to myself laughing a while back. It wasn't amused. It was nervous, forced. I tried to search for amusement inside me but there was nothing that could be interpreted as such. There was twiching. I could feel twiching inside myself. It was like someone was pulling my nerves back and forth, so that the muscles they controlled shivered. So that they twiched. There was no emotion, except for something that felt like iron. If that's an emotion. Lifeless. And then later I realised there was some kind of a pressure. There was pressure. Like the pressure caused the muscles to contract, to twitch.
It was like something was bursting through. The pressure made me feel like my bones would bend. The tension was discharging. What tension, I have no idea. There was no emotion. No visible emotion. Just this curious feeling.
A purely physical feeling. I got afraid I wouldn't be able to stop laughing. It felt like that. Like it would get out of control, like the flow of something would take me with it. Had I been inable to stop it, I would've ended up crying. That happens sometimes. When everything gets out of control.

My brain isn't well tonigh. It can't stand phrase structure grammar. Everything else I can do, morphology, phonology, whatever, but I don't understand syntax. It behaves like an alien. It's weird and unpredictable and hostile.

Other things, other things... I have nothing to say. I'm tired. I'm unhappy. I'd like to go to bed but I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

Index.