Dead Heart

Valentines Day

Roses are red
Violets are black
You'd look better
With a knife in your back

Requited love is the most wonderful thing in the world. Not having it can make a person want to die. If you are in the latter category, valentines day becomes a gruesome ordeal. You'd think it would be enough to suffer lost and/or unrequited love without the bastards having to rub salt into the wound. For half a month a malcontent cannot even as much as stagger into a liquor store for yet another bottle of vodka without running the gauntlet of pink and white.

For a long time, I felt on valentines day the same way that a blind person would feel on "Isn't-it-wonderful-that-we-can-see Day". During this period I wrote some suggestions for celebrating valentines day...


If you have read this far, then the chances are you don't have anyone to send a card to. Or at least no one who would appreciate it. Never mind; send something anyway - even if anonymously to an enemy. I'm told the day is all about telling the other person how you feel about them, so don't hold back.

I believe that on principal one shouldn't support the bloated capitalist hyenas at Hallmark, who have claimed this day as their own. Instead, make up your own card. This has the additional advantage that you can make it so much more personal: a photo of your ex with the eyes scratched out gets the message across far better than any generic "I Hate You" card. Here are some ideas to get you started:

ASH valentines day card Slightly subtle, this one replaces the traditional heart with a club followed by a spade. If you don't catch the meaning, then you aren't fully tuned in to the mind-set yet.

Stolen Heart The picture is from the autopsy of a guy who was stabbed in the heart, note the wound on left. Could be used to shock the squeamish

I Hate You Simple, but effective. Especially recommended for use with people who have difficulty in comprehending words of more than one syllable.


As well as a card, you might also want to send a "gift". Here's an idea from George Hayduke (Make 'em pay):

"Next freak shot is when you hire a really disgusting and gross person and put him/her in a really disgusting outfit. You are going to take revenge on someone who really irritated you. It could be a former sweetie, boss or whomever. This person you have hired to do your freaky stunt must be a terrible sight. You must insist that he/she have a huge head cold or sinus condition as a prelude to employment. When he/she gets to your mark's home and the mark swings open the door, your disgusting stooge shouts "Boogergram, Boogergram!!!" and blows his/her nose fully on the mark, pulls the door shut, and leaves as fast as possible."

Last updated: Jan 15th 2001 All death threats to: Grey Knight

unfortunate people and spam-bots have visited this page since Jan 12th 2001