Appointment Scribbled down on Friday, 9 September 2005 13:04:12 PM
Dearest diary, Over half an hour I am heading to the psychologist centre with my mother who still believes I am going to have a job conversation. A few minutes the social worker who came here for her, just left. I hate talking... but she's a really nice person and pregnant. She came all over from where she is (she works at the station) on a bike with such a huge belly. She's Morrocon, definitely muslim but kindhearted. My mum seems to get really shy and childish in company of other people. Or maybe she's sensitive as she tends to try to smile or lays back in the chair, rubbing her forehead. I always tell her to keep emotions out of professional issues. The social worker was here to help her and not to talk about the neighbour annoying her (no, she could not resist talking about it). All the woman replied was... 'Hey, maybe if he lives alone he will leave'. My mum is someone I won't or can never understand. I want to get out of this life with my relatives. My mother has been good to me, like I said before despite her flaws. But I've gotten tired of living together with them. I feel really uncomfortable. She is so attached to me that she tends to follow me everywhere. Of course she can't let me go to this appointment alone. It was nice that I was going to have a conversation with someone who was going to help me... but I know and don't want it to last. I don't want a long life. I do not wish for it. My greatest and dearest wish is to die. I want to feel the coldness take over me, leaving me unmovable. I feel like I want to be hospitalized. Firstly, I will be alone for awhile and be able to see that this life isn't a dream. To escape the routine of the relatives around me and secondly it gave me the chance to hurt myself without my mother going crazy. I'd have people who could take care of the bad cuts... I want to bleed badly... I want to bleed every day. I want gaps in my body that keep on oozing all my mournings. I want to feel cleaned of the negative emotions. I want to rest. All these days I've cut but I can't or won't go deeper as it will be noticeable for my family. And they already were making me feel aweful. Still I'd like to be there to rest and come to myself... I'm so... unbelievable exhausted. I don't mean much to my family. I always had to agree with their wishes. My brother is the type of guy who comes home like he's my father and always, always sends me out to go shopping. If I did a wrong shopping, I may have to go again. Sometimes I walk up and down up to three times a day. I'm sure everyone knows my face quite well outside there and will definitely wonder where I am, 'the tall, skinny black girl who was always shopping on her own or sometimes in company of her mother', when I'm gone. *scratches itchy scars* I am not talking to L. nor is he talking to me. It's something inevitable. Whenever he talks about himself, we are remembering the bad things he has done in the past or is doing (I keep on telling him to not smoke if he appreciates life so much and wants to live long), but at the end the conversation often leads to me as if a gun is being pointed at me. Then there's so much I have been holding inside and can't release. And he can not make me feel any better, especially if he starts talking about 'help' just like anybody else. He's not special anymore though I still felt attracted to him. It will disappear, probably just my flesh being weak. I saw him online yesterday and this morning and he didn't even greet me, or come and say hi as he always does. He doesn't care or maybe he thinks I'm mad or upset with him. I feel so much ambivalence. I want him at the same time I don't. I will miss writing here again when I go to this psychologist. I feel frightened talking to men. You won't believe me diary, but most men I've talked to I only did because I felt something for them or else I wouldn't. I can't name anyone who ever talked to me out of friendliness. Oh, D. He was in love with me but I am not impressed by him. He was also shorter than me and is of my age while I prefer older people. Or you really have to be very special for me to pay attention to you. I am guessing what the psychologist will ask. I decided to bring the medication I'm using with me, as their names are too difficult to pronounce sometimes. I like taking chlordiazepoxide. I got my last dosis yesterday as I ran out of the other package. It's like eating m&m but this one's color is soft light between green and blue. They only make me sleepy, I get worked up anyway. I don't know what I'm talking... there's so much I want to tell that I talk in between, irregularly... I want to sleep. I can't wait to sleep. This morning I was up because my brother demanded me (throwing my blankett off my body) before he went to work, to cash money from his bankaccount before 6am or else they'd take it (debts he has). My mother went with me. I was rather a cooly nice morning. I love this hour... The streets are so quiet, and it's like the world is dead. It's a total freedom. I was thinking to live with someone someday who'd consider the night as the day and the day as night in everything we do. Just to have the world as ours at such hours... the quietness, the tranquility. I once tried to change my sleeping patterns but it's hard as I have to keep myself to daily activities. I promise I will write more when I'm back. My other hostess looks furious. She luckily does see me as someone worthy to be hosted (I comment on her entrees and even awarded her just as I like visiting her, do I have anything else to do?). Out of the many people she has hosted, only a few will go with her on the next domain including me but I doubt I will be around by that time. As it's probably in December/January. I don't expect to live longer than that. Do wish me goodluck.

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