Mess Scribbled down on Thursday, 22 September 2005 16:54:44 PM
Dearest diary, Life is this too: cleaning your own mess. No one will do it for you. Seems like D. and I are completely through as friends. Shouldn't be surprising but hell it hurts, as I expected it. It started with me returning to add the last final touches to the community and also revamping it since a girl decided it was cool to steal the entire layout. I had to go back there, even it was my own choice that made me return. He had sent me a PM telling me he no longer wishes to be there since there's nothing keeping him there either. If I was cold-blooded (which I think is better than one who cares about anything, I mean anything, that's the cunt -me- who sits writing all these crap stuff down) I would've erased him and forget about him. And welcome the new. Instead I am grieving he is thinking like that. He really knows how to have my heart on the floor, though I'm certain he isn't aware I care. He has me for this senseless bitch who over time became indifferent or who only cares about her own wellbeing. It makes me think of K. and her best friend. Ignorance is a bitch. A mean bitch. He doesn't know the reasons why I stopped talking to him and I may not know how he thinks about me, I am most definitely sure what sorts of images he may have of me in his mind. The only thing I could do is, call him and put an end to this mess. I have never imagined that trying to do something good, doing the best would turn out to show me opposite. It must tell a lot about my weak and low IQ. I was so sssstttu-pidd. And today sick too. And it's getting more complexed: I erased his mobile number so today I have no idea where to start looking to be able to call him. I have placed my final order. I think I will miss the Corpse Bride. It would've been nice if I could see it. I think Tim Burton is a nice director and Johnny a great actor. Oh, I dreamt with D. too. He had written me a letter telling me he wished I could see him the way I wanted to. Confusing. But it sure has made me feel a huge guilt. I don't have to write much in this entry, it was enough, it said enough of the brat I was. I simply did not own the right to linger here, definitely not any longer. There even was a moment people (relatives) would say, everything I touch ends up damaged. I am cursed. I'm not your best friend, I am chaos seeing that if she continues living as chaos, she will only end up worse.

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