Conversations Scribbled down on Thursday, 18 August 2005 18:44:44 PM
It's really hard to have a real conversation these days. I should feel lucky that I've discovered groups where it is possible to speak about your disgust of living, constant hurt and the possession of a twisted mind. I am also refering to D. I don't like talking to him. It makes me sick to the stomach that whenever I am trying to talk to him, he later rambles on about something stupid instead. Like things that happened on his work and then he later ends it with what he'll do the rest of the day. I think he most certainly believes he is writing a whole bunch of stuff to me. Questions I ask him, as why he always complains about having enough of life, stay unanswered. I don't judge people but I can't resist or take superficialness. It affects each fine nerve in me, it turns them around, it makes me mad. How can I communicate with someone who isn't willingly to listen to me, to answer questions I ask? And then he wonders why I'm so avoidant? It's enough. I will not continue with this nonsense. I didn't like saying I care about him while he only made me feel like a bitch, but it's enough. This doesn't look like communication. It looks more like talking to walls and I do better talking to them as they didn't do one thing: they didn't hurt. If you know me well enough, I always do what doesn't make me happy anyway. Soon I will feel obligated and a responsibility to write him even I don't find it pleasant to do so. I'm a complete torture to myself. My brother's girlfriend is here. I am doomed. It appears she'll be here for two weeks. Misfortune gave birth to me, I tell you. Now that I have a lot to fix, I won't be able to. At least not when she's around. They'll hopefully be out of town tomorrow for me to write a little bit around here. I always have the need to write. It's the only thing I can do and turn to. People never pay attention to others, do they? I'm a doormat. Everyone tells me something to do, and I just admit. I can never say no. I have to take this 'abuse' (it was: having his girlfriends here, meant I had to isolate myself, why would I bother to mingle with them if they were temporary figures and faces?) with my mouth shut. I couldn't change it, I couldn't. While in my brother's case, if I had someone here, he'd hide. And when he brings people here, he demands me to spend my time with them. I'm so dominated by people. I have no voice. I scream and sway my hands and legs around, yet they carry me and enchain me to do whatever they want. If I want this to end, is it wrong? What's so good about being a masochist (that's the impression I got from people)? I could not accept this. I know if I die, my mother will be the one who suffers the most. Her paranoias will be at their strongest for she doesn't like being home alone at night and she will be if my brother continues working. She never wants to be alone. She wants me to be around her all the time and also a nice company (she wants me to talk to her). I of course let her words flow in from an ear and leave the other. No one can tell me to be a good company. If I'm not in the mood, you can not make me do something I don't want to. You can not demand me to act happy. It's always expected from me to submit to others as that's polite and the best thing to do. 'Because it's better to have friends than enemies' I will be happy when this all won't be happening. I was afraid of dying but like Leena said, it happens to everyone, sooner or later. I also was afraid or disliked changes but this change would end things. I only wasn't sure I would cope well with it. Eventually I'll get used to it. I always get used to things, it's a matter of time. When I left the pc to go to bed, I scared myself deeply. I seriously thought this house was haunted. I always felt it was. Sometimes I'd hear little steps or doorslaps. I freaked out when I had closed the livingroom door to later come out of the kitchen having it open again. I screamed my lungs out as I pulled my mother's clothes having her also screaming along with me, as if to understand why I was screaming or assuming there was a reason to. Untill this morning I realised the door is messed up. It always opens up by itself when you close it. As much as I like darkness, I'd have to die in the morning. The night was very terrifying and it made me see things that weren't there. I have always been the one who people took advantage of by frightening me. My brothers, my younger brother definitely would. He'd hid himself behind my door in the darkness and when I walk in, he'd make these horrible sounds. That's enough to have me shaking and my legs paralyzed. I have a vivid imagination and I was scared the rest of the morning (it was 4 am), that my mother would suddenly turn into a monster wanting to slay me. Another fear I had was that reality would turn into nightmare. I had obsessive, violent thoughts where I'd see stuff I shouldn't see, untill I fell asleep. 'I can't believe this violence in my mind'. I love hearing Tori singing The Waitress live. Firstly, she hardly swears in a song, except to the public sometimes when she's pissed. And it was very angry and the whole song through she did these amazing stuff on her piano. I could feel myself dissolve in the beautiful melodies she produces. I felt drugged and temporarily healed. The lyrics are short but hilarious and dark, that's how I define it. There appears to be a story behind it. I'd ask her about this song, if I was ever to meet her. I'd want to know what was the source that drove her to write so raw. The Waitress So I want to kill this waitress She's worked here a year longer than I If I did it fast you know that's an act of kindness But I believe in peace I believe in peace bitch I believe in peace I believe in peace But I believe in peace I believe in peace bitch I believe in peace I want to kill this waitress I can't believe this violence in mind And is her power all in her club sandwich But I believe in peace I believe in peace bitch I believe in peace I believe in peace But I believe in peace I believe in peace bitch I believe in peace I want to kill this killing wish They're too many stars and not enough sky- (my favorite quote: sometimes life is that way, it doesn't give/allow space to all) Boys all think she's living kindness Ask a fellow waitress Ask a fellow waitress

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