Dark thoughts Scribbled down on Thursday, 1 September 2005 19:43:53 PM
Dearest diary, Not much going on. Just becoming more a zombie by the pills I use and my silly attempts of starvation that often fail. I'm always out shopping and it's fatiguing. I thought and hoped I wouldn't be able to walk fast enough so a car could crash into me. I'd be very grateful. They say what you most crave is the most unlikely going to happen. I have seen that. Or I must stand on the road or appear suddenly when a car is rushing at high speed into my direction. Then let's hope he will crush each bone and senses in me. L. isn't online and Z. spoke to my last night. It was a rather nice conversation. I don't go further than the memories of when I were in my puberty. I spoke with her about my romances, about L. who I sensed I were liking too much. This morning I was writing an email in my head to him. I wanted to confess to him that he means a lot to me. I don't know if it's a real care or just the need to be intimate with someone. I just felt like holding him close and kiss him, taste his scent, his sweat, his saliva and all, running my hand through his hair. He seemed to be violent and easily annoyed, still I liked him and wished he liked me too. It doesn't really look that way, except the moments I'd tell him: 'I missed talking to you yesterday and have been looking for you', to have him answer: 'Awe, how sweet of you', like I were a child who missed her nanny or anyone who went away for awhile. I want to brainwash him and make him forget about his 'look-obsession', I think he didn't even know I was feeling more for him. Or he did as he wasn't online as often before. Perhaps he blocked me just to not have to deal with me so much. I want to tear his skin open with my nails, till he was screaming my name or finally understood the meaning he had for me. Or I'm crazy... we don't know each other so long, yet he made me crazy. I wanted to feel him and sense him closeby, his bodily warmth and care. His everything... I thought I liked him, most likely I'm thinking stuff that are unreal. Very likely. It's terrible what the Hurricane Katrina did in America. Others would say, that's a great payback for all the bad things Bush has done in Iraq. What goes around, comes around. Hurricanes may be desastrous, I liked them. Their violence. As you could imagine if you knew me enough, I wished I were one of those who died there. I really wished I had that honour to die without doing much effort.

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