Sleepy Scribbled down on Saturday, 27 August 2005 22:49:24 PM
Dearest journal, Could you believe that I slept the whole day yesterday since I came home around 11 am? I took my medication as a good girl would, I think possibly they made me sleepy. I woke up around 10 pm and wanted to write awhile but felt how the sleep was taking over me and I had to go to bed even I was curious to see L. I am still feeling dizzy, yawning the whole time. I don't think I can rest well these days as I have two appointments the next week. One with another doctor, I really thought he was not going to see me but now he does. And do you know what gets me? I got the letter Friday and it's the only day I could cancel the appointment. The weekends they are close and do you know another thing? They will charge me 27 euros per 15 minutes if I don't cancel it in time. I didn't check the mailbox Friday because I already had. Now the mail seemed to have arrived later. I'm rather angry with myself. I guess in some way it's for my own good, at the other hand I really can't have debts at the moment as my insurance doesn't cover these costs. I feel like screaming. And you know the other appointment is with a psychologist. Sure she will blame me and wonder why I haven't contacted her in months but honestly I really don't feel like bringing up the past or narrate them to someone. So usually they have a complete different image than what my life looks like, seriously. Either it be worse or nicer, it's still different than the reality. The past is something personal. I can talk from the time we moved to this place but earlier than that I'd try not to go. I did tell the psychologist one thing which I felt I had to, as I thought you should have gone through some bad things to be in therapies. I don't know why you would sit there talking to someone while there wasn't much going on or ever was. I hope she has forgotten it as I'm not going to repeat myself. Sometimes I felt at peace with the past, it wasn't going on right now, so I'm happy. Only it prevented me sometimes to feel comfortable and normal in touch with others. I will see what will come out of these conversations. Not much, I guess. Do you know what L. thinks of me? He says that if I am ever living on my own, I will be very outgoing and happier than I am. The way he said it, it was like he was talking about these happy cheery schoolgirls I used to hate because they were so confident. He seems to have such high hopes of me and sometimes he was saying or asking me things that made me feel like... 'maybe he does think of me in other terms'. I feel so... I checked my mailbox today, more for information I requested at a company to get some personal stuff done and I came across a mail he sent me! I was so happy and doubted whether to read it immediately. Of course it wasn't a love letter. It was a few pictures he promised me (not personal) of things we have been discussing. It was a rather frank mail.. but at the other hand I know we both were trying to not overrush things? I don't know. He did say he hoped/looked forward to speak to me tomorrow. I'm sorry I talk about him so much... I sometimes felt so over the clouds thinking about him at the same time I felt incredibly pained. He was plugged into this society. At the other side I was trying hard my best to get rid of everything that held me here. I hoped visualization would make me come far. I really like him and wonder if he won't feel turned off by me when know each other better or as time passes by. As time passes by I usually get annoyed with people, as the pleasure of speaking in the beginning, the magic, it's gone. Some times I do compare myself with a woman seeking her life in a dark corner on the streets, walking up and down restlessly, waiting for someone who can help her, who can meet her needs so she can survive the day. I've been walking up and down for a really long time. I saw many others in my vision doing exactly the same thing and some of them their eyes changed color and their skin started losing brightness. Their bones started giving up, their heartbeats slowing down, to later join the countless skeletons who never made it to have their dreams or wishes come true. Want to bet that I soon will be lying aside them?

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