Walking Naked Scribbled down on Monday, 19 September 2005 7:26:06 AM
Dearest diary, I think everything will simply keep upsetting me beyond eternity or infinity. I finished reading Walking Naked, a sort of teen novel by Alyssa Brugman (she's Australian) and saw there was a website of hers on geocities. Perhaps I reacted a bit too enthusiastic on her book as I felt common things as Perdita felt. I think if you want to understand my reaction and hers, reading the book is needed. I didn't expect her to answer me so quickly but she did and it's a rather cooly reply. In fact, she doesn't appreciate her own characters. How can you - as a writer- not be able to value the characters you personally created? I once started writing a book I will never finish and the bad and good sides of each personage I brought in the book had their own sympathy. I think despite everything that made me this way today, I had to be a bit happy that I am at least not thinking as the rest of the world does. It brought me a different mind, that's all that I'm thankful for. This is what I wrote, maybe I shouldn't have said that I were suicidial but I did think it would provoke a reply. Perhaps it did. Dear Alyssa, It would be an honour if you answered my email but I understand writers are very busy. I have to say I recently discovered your book Walking Naked in the library and finished reading it today as soon as I started reading it. I feel so much for Perdita for being a suicidial girl myself. I felt like crying when I was going to the point of seeing Megan betray her publically. I think Megan is very selfish and there are plenty of such people in the world, attending school and ruining others lives such as types of persons like Perdita. Perdita reminds me a lot of myself as I've been an outcast at school myself though not so badly, as for a mysterious reasons I'd always have people who would feel compassion for me and thought it was needed to make me a part of their group out of pity. Soon I got enough of it and now I am living a life, isolated from life awaiting the moment of decay which has already started. I just want to thank you deeply for writing such a deep story, it moved me a lot. I wished I knew Perdita, or that I were Megan. I wouldn't dare to put her aside for a group alike Mean Girls (the movie). She was about to show her a geniune side of friendship, so stupid it is that she realises it after something bad happens. I admire Perdita's courage for ending her life. It's very daring. I do wonder, how did she die? You didn't mention it... but I do wonder how she possibly could've killed herself. I must say I'm curious about your other books and will be seeking for more as soon as I go back to the library. Thanks for making me think by such a nice character as Perdita. She's inspiring with her poetic talent. Warmest regards, enigma Her reply Hello enigma, I'm glad you enjoyed the book. I deliberately didn't mention how Perdita died, because I didn't want to sensationalise it, or offer it as a solution. Its sole purpose in the novel is as a device to deny Megan the right of reply, so that she would learn from the experience. I don't believe suicide is a solution for anybody. I don't think it is daring - on the contrary, I think it is the height of cowardice. The act reveals the flaws in Perdita's character - her pigheadedness, and unwillingness to compromise. It takes much more daring and bravery to ask for help. I don't think Perdita is a nice person either. She is mean to Megan, but she would have learned better interpersonal skills as she matured. I was really angry with Perdita, because she would have prospered at university and as an adult in ways that Megan never will. The things that made her sad would have seemed inconsequential in later years. (Think about the things that made you upset when you were seven. They seem trivial now, yes?) I'm not qualified to counsel you, but if you are suicidal I do encourage you to find someone to talk to. I have included some numbers and a website in the back of the book. We live on a big planet. There are so many wonderous and beautiful things to discover. I don't understand how anyone would deny themselves the opportunity to explore it. Alyssa (What was it that I said wrong and why does her reply sound so offensive? P.S: What beautiful things does this world have to offer? If they were obvious, then why don't I see nothing else than painful monotony?) Maybe I am cursed to be the sensitive girl forever. She completely froze me... I feel now that I shouldn't speak out my mind or give any opinions. I've always felt I had to hold in my tongue for being so... nothing. I have no idea what I'm saying. But she may have been a bit rude, I still feel soothed now I finished the Bell Jar. So, anyone has different opinions about suicide but I'm sick and tired of hearing others saying it's selfish. Alyssa says that what Perdita felt was trivial, how can be bullied at school be a trivial thing? It's something that could leave a lasting scar on you forever. It could damage your look on life even as an adult. She has no idea what she's talking about, does she? I won't reply back, I will pretend to have taken her words for what they are whilst I totally disagree with her views and thoughts (though surely they must make sense from her point of view or else she wouldn't make such statements but it doesn't surprise me, anyone else have done the same as her before). The book is a la Mean Girls. One of the 'mean girls' becomes friend with this complete outcast. I don't think she (Megan) becomes 'a friend'. I think she used Perdita for during that time she started having problems with her gang (disagreements). To not feel lonely and lost, she would hang around with Perdita or go with Perdita wherever she wanted to go. When the other 'Mean Girl gang' find out that she's hanging around with a 'nerd' who they totally find inhuman, they demand her to dump her and to publically humiliate her. Perdita who goes through already a lot (abusive parents) commits suicide two weeks later after suffering this betrayal, though she sure must've had more reasons that completed her long list of why living is not worth it all. Of course Megan feels intense regret and gets rid of her superficial friends. Afterwards you're always sorry but you can't change anything you've done. Afterwards Perdita is being painted as evil and coward for the deed she gave herself into. Afterwards people don't understand that -even this is contradictive at some point- whatever you say and do anywhere, anytime has an influence on others. In the good or bad way. Either you choose to have it affect you or not, I still think you're not the only one to be held responsible for the final decision you take. As it's often a reaction on earlier things that happened. A sort of chain reaction. But of course, I'm silly. This is a terrible feeling, I am really feeling an inner protest against her words but I can't speak out the sentences. I'm angrily lost for words.

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