Migraines Scribbled down on Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:50:34 PM
Dearest diary, These days are bad. I go under the tension of my migraines that don't seem to want to go away. I've had them for almost a week straight now, 24 hours a day. Perhaps I'm going to get ill, I thought, seeing as I have sore muscles as well. I get that when I'm going to get the flu. I'm like... 'come right now, so I can have this behind me', and be normal again. Or it could be that these are withdrawal symptoms. I stopped taking in all my medications a few days ago. I truely have never really had this horrible headaches before. I can't listen to music, or anything loud, as they make it worse. It's sad... I miss music. Music blocks out my reality which is garbage. So instead I have to personally tell my relatives now and then to shut up. I don't want or like listening to them. Nothing good comes out of their mouth, it's just noise. I hope I will feel better next week. I also have trouble sleeping. Yeah, these aren't my days. I'm so so stressed and tensed. I said goodbye to my previous host and I feel so much better. I started feeling pressured to write and to update my blog so I decided it would be better to get rid of the whole thing. I'm fine now. It only made my hostess doubt whether or not she does well into getting her new domain. Weird, isn't it? In the beginning I used to mail her on my subdomain etc. Later she never replied on my personal mails. Not even one. She hates it that her hostees don't comment on her blog while she's no hair better. She's distant herself. Anyway, I don't have anything to say anymore. This is another closed period. It's the past now. It's over. My father called today. He usually does when my mother smses him and tells him to. Again I found myself in an unpleasant situation where my sweet brother (he so much is) passed me the phone to talk to him. I thoroughly refused and tried hiding myself in the toilet (the only place in this house with a locker). At the end, it appeared he was just joking. That fuck. It's not like I have anything against him, I just don't have anything to talk about with him. It took me a long time to see this but I think he's no where close to the man he used to be ten years ago when I was a young girl. Not that I'm old now. I'm definitely not old though it felt as if I was around my 60's. I had so much physical difficulties. Constantly. It made life a bigger burden for me. I can not help than only feel pity for my father. He's a joke. Just like my brothers, I'd say. Ms. B. (my psych) also called me today. She's so cooly. I felt the same like hearing these answering machines. At least they are animated. In contrary, she was rather... cold. I have a new appointment with her over two weeks. It's a long wait. I had to see her tomorrow but I already have an appointment to go to with my mother (social worker). I'm so spiritless that I have not been able to wash my hair. I keep postponing it saying: tomorrow I'd do it, or in the weekend and then the weekends come and I thought next week would be fine. Till a month flew away. I don't even want to wake up early tomorrow, so I guess I should sleep early today. I guess that's the solution. I'll wear a hat to hide my filthy hair. Bodies ask so much from you, don't they? Like Esther I wished you could just wash yourself once, and be able to live like that forever. Without getting dirty. Was that possible. I have no energy but a lot of duties. Next week I was supposed to bring L. a visit. Only I haven't heard of him and I don't bother either to seek contact. He did tell me he was going to pick someone up (a couple) and he'd be back. He suggested me to pick me up when he was here (in the future). So, right now he was here. Except he didn't tell me he could come for me, even I would've said no as I'm sick. I should stop talking about him... It's hard, as you see.. I was in love with him like a freak. Like a stupid idiot. I even made myself believe I loved him... Anyway, I actually don't want to talk nor see anyone. My fantasies are fine. It's enough food to keep me alive. I dreamt with a baby last night. It was gorgeous. I think the programm I saw before I went to sleep, provoked such dreams. It was a programm about babies that got born earlier than they were supposed to. This one was rather smart. It could not talk but it made very small signs with its arms and really tiny fingers. Maybe I like babies because they remember me of the dolls I used to play with. I still go crazy when I enter a toy store and see these racks filled with them. Only babies smell nicer. They smell like milk, so fresh. Only this place wasn't meant for them to be. Ironic. Now that I was planning to go, my brother considered returning me my room. Now that I don't want it back, he is giving it back to me. The room had its DNA all over the place and not to forget those of his many girlfriends too. My room would be forever a storage space of their memories. I bet too that the muses have left my room. In any way, things won't be like they used to be.

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