Untitled Scribbled down on Sunday, 28 August 2005 14:00:02 PM
Dearest diary, Sometimes I feel incredibly alone like no one really knows I exist. I know you will give me an angry look when I say this as I have personally chosen for it. I don't think I'd be happier having friends who adore me and like being around me. Sometimes I felt I like being depressed, or maybe I've gotten so used to it that I don't wish for anything else. But despite it all, the soltitude didn't do me so well. I don't see the meaning of love either and I am not expecting its arrival, though there have been moments I do. I daydream best. I do want you to remind me to question L. one day when I feel like signing online that if he thinks we are all gods and goddesses why he only feels attracted to brunettes with green eyes? Men are so superficial. Superficial because they only study the package but never look at the taste of the product. Maybe I am stupid... but when I see someone I don't look at them but through them to see what has made them the person they are. Sometimes I can interpret my impressions and feelings someone calls well and they are surprised. Observing people is always nice and I have done that for as long as I can remember. I can see when someone changes, even it's a really tiny change. I am detailed, I study each word and how they are being formulated into sentences. In all situations different words and phrases are being used. Nothing happens or is being done without a reason. That reason could be a feeling or anything, but it's something personal I always try to figure out. I want to know why people like certain things and despise the other. Why they are judgemental without any reason, was it fear? Or did something happen in the past to have them become the person they were today? History was fascinating. It helped you understand a lot about things that were happening today. We were constantly reacting on things that happened once in the past. If I hadn't eaten yesterday, I'd feel hungry today. I will be trying to get that done, to find something to prevent what happened yesterday from happening again. A bad example, I can't come up with better comparisons. I am fighting everything that happened. Thinking about the place I'm standing on today, is only depressing. I am literally just a shell breathing in and exhaling air. I don't do or mean anything to the world or for other people. I do feel glad if there's something I can do for someone, it makes me feel useful even it's temporary. It's hurtful to glare at photographs of me when I were a bit younger, hope and lust were radiating all over me, despite all the events. I wasn't thinking. I thought everything was normal. Moving to this country was a real bad idea and the saddest is I can't go back in time and stay there. I may have been deprived of a lot, still I would grow up and move out and be happy. I wouldn't be sitting here grieving over myself. At the other side, I don't mind being like this. Things can't remain the same forever. Changes always occur, sooner or later. Perhaps things will be better... I don't know when or where I will be at that time.

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