M.? Scribbled down on Thursday, 8 September 2005 0:56:31 AM
Dearest diary, I like Lisa Marie Presley's voice. I think she's nice and reminds me of me. Nothing has changed since two days ago. I'm still the same old me. I know what's inside, could it be I cut myself up badly... I am going to do it right now as I'm very sad. I feel like yelling aloud but we know I can't do that. How long will I be able to withstand living here? I have gotten tired of everyone... So tired. No one is different, they are all the same. Like the word fuck written but in another handwriting, it made no difference. The word was fuck and would stay fuck regardless of the signature. I'm not in love. Just seeking a shoulder to cry out all the pain and he made me cry, and now I wanted what I did best. I told him I'd see him tomorrow. It was like his words were spilling alcohol in my wounds. I felt useful, sick, so dumb and ill. Someone who can't be helped. I never listen to myself. Lie, just lie... Pretend you're happy dumbass. Do not talk about your darkness, no one cares into listening. I want to die... I'm going to cut before the urge slips away. [It's nice to bleed again but I will only bleed better one day when I'm on my own] And I -with all my heart- hated L. I won't EVER talk to him again (another lie). As if he would miss me. I am just a stupid, silly talk buddy. He does not longer exist in my world. I believe truthfully that M. did it. I was thinking about it. The day he sent the two blank smses, he had called me a few days before and had to hang up because he was running out of credits. Though we only kept making the conversation longer. I love talking to him because we were both suicidial and he had a very comforting voice. No matter what he said, I would feel so much better and he also made me feel small and fragile. L. wasn't, so he will never get my point or understand me since he's just a happy bird. I think he got sick... and couldn't call me and maybe he did something to himself. If he killed himself they'd investigate the case and take in his mobile. No, he's not dead. He is hospitalized. I'm very saddened... I want to be with him to support him and cuddle him and support him. I hope he always knows I'm with him, no matter what.

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