When will I come to terms with this? Scribbled down on Friday, 2 September 2005 16:59:24 PM
When I come to terms, to terms with this My world will change for me -Tori Amos Dearest diary, Will I ever find peace with myself and with life? Will I ever be a rock, a mountain unmovable by whatever forces trying to push me from my place? Why does it feel, I won't ever feel this change? Was it because I really couldn't or because I didn't longer wish for that? I know. You know what I also know. I didn't want to come to terms with myself or life. If you weren't happy, you were sad. If not sad, then happy. That was everything. I could fantasize of myself at a carnaval, laughing loudly in company of people I loved but thinking about that, I felt nothing special. I didn't feel really sad. I do feel sad when I think I could've been a different person. The rest doesn't matter. Only I matter to me now, at the same I don't care. I only care about making myself sick then to blame myself for doing so. I did all that was in my reach and effort to make myself sick so it would quicken the process of death. But I kept on living, everytime again. I won't come to terms with anything, that's not what I want. Probably with death, I still had to as I held a bit of fear for it. It's unpredictable, I can only guess what there is at the other side of the horizon. *goes blank* Friends are nice sometimes, one of them mailed me a couple of pictures she shot of Tori Amos during her concert here in Rotterdam. I was extremely excited and wrote her back today to thank her. It was a lovely surprise, indeed. Only my brother had opened it as he said (in his own words) 'that someone else's name was on the letter and it couldn't be mine'. Jerk. Many people write me at my nickname instead of my real name, it makes me feel like someone else. My name offline only made me feel sick. It made you think of pretty things or overestimade my personality. I'm not entirely proud of it. Z.'s stuff also arrived today. I was so excited and am thanking her from the bottom of my heart. She has been a wonderful person showing me the road to endlessness. I will always remember her and appreciate her help and support she has offered me though we don't know each other personally.

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