M. Scribbled down on Monday, 22 August 2005 22:42:22 PM
I miss M. incredibly. I want to scream it all out untill my lungs break and I suffocate for skipping a breath. I want to cry so badly till it is storming on this planet and all the oceans rise up filled with my tears, causing floods. But above all, I wish to find him. So crying is not good and dying wouldn't be a good option, considering death may shackle me in nothingness while I want to remember and know him. I miss talking to him so much. I hope my soul would always remember his voice and the promises and confessions he made to me, regardless of them being lies or truths. He always showed he cared by ringing me up or texting. He will always be dear, always you will be. He will always be the most important, as we shared something special and unusual. Something I've never shared with anyone before, something none allowed me to share with them and I love him for the person he's been to me, though happy but probably holding a lot inside sometimes. I was too selfish to understand. I met someone. He found me on MF and thought it would be interesting to add a few people, including me. I wasn't going to but thought it may be Al. trying to break into my life or someone else I knew. We had a lovely conversation. He is not defensive what I like of him and when I try to correct him or give him my opinion, he doesn't act mean or selfish, like he knows better. He is kind of very easy going and sort of humorous too. He likes my views and thoughts, I felt special. I told him I'm just logic and I read often though curiosity 'killed the cat' as A. once said to me. He's spiritual orientated what is nice (it's like I'm rating a flavor of a brand, talking about him :-s). He has all qualities I wish for in 'someone'. I don't want to say what I'm thinking but in my head, it appeared I had another victim in mind who... I don't wish to say. I was honest with him and told him I suffered of depression. Better admit it firstly, than later having them found out and dumping you. And it's easier to do so online than offline. I always told people I felt would maybe have a big role in my life, otherwise I didn't. I kept on pretending I was nothing different. I will title him with L. though in no way it refered to his real name or nickname. He didn't say anything back like he didn't mind. I just got an apology that he was going to do something else, sadly. I hoped I would be kept busy till M. appeared. I had to bring a visit to my doctor this morning which I did. I went as early as I could to be able to speak to him firstly. He is very superficial and easy to be fooled but someone I feel comfortable with despite my nervosity that kept me shuddering as I sat facing him behind his desk. 'So, what can I do for you?' I can clearly remember him greeting me. He also liked to title me as 'young lady' which sounded nice actually. Kind of old-fashioned and I am, partially. I replied (refreshing his memory) why I was here again. He checked on me and constatated I had to go to the hospital what I knew way before he even did the churgery on me. 'We're going to make work of it' he encouraged me. 'In which hospital do you want to be?' he asked writing quickly a few unreadable things down. I noticed he was lefthanded and remembered Eminem was. Don't lefthanders die young, they say? 'The hospital in where I was born is fine, doesn't it have a different name nowadays?' I wondered. 'Correctly' he said all professionally. I took the time to have him write everything down first before asking him for other pills. When he was almost done I quickly said: 'Two weeks ago you gave me a few tranquilizers, I'm through them already. Only they didn't work' I lied, hoping to have him give another medication I had knowledge of. 'Uhmmm, I don't really feel calmed. I do have more sleepingproblems, it appears' which is actually the truth. 'Really?' he answered. 'Okay, then I will give you something stronger'. He looked in the computer to find out he prescribed me Oxazepam in the beginning so he'd be able to give me something else. He scribbled something down and I kept thinking of other ways to have him prescribe me more medication. 'Do you worry about something?' he wondered. I didn't understand that and out of politeness I 'mmm'-ed as if I didn't want to be honest. When he said yes, I said too. 'Wouldn't you like to talk to a psychologist some time?' he went on questioning me. I think I didn't say anything. 'Have you ever been there?' 'Yes, of course but I didn't proceed with the therapies.' I told him the place and how I didn't remember the name of my psychologist (it's been month since I last saw her and she's not my real one, she was there to introduce me to the whole programm). 'Okay, I'm going to give you another reference letter. It might help' etc. etc. I tried my next shot. 'But some of them have asked me whether it would be an option for me to use anti-depressiva's as it would be helpful' I dared him. 'No' he said disappointing me. 'It's best you talk first to a psychologist, though...' I felt he changed his mind. 'I will put that one for you down'. I felt like jumping high and reach a cloud. Another few lines were spoken and I happily found my way out after shaking hand and saying goodbye as I were able to get two medication from him, though I will throw them out of my window. I mean, I won't use none of them.

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