Weakened Scribbled down on Sunday, 11 September 2005 0:11:51 AM
Dearest diary, Lots to tell you. Always happens when I stay a day without talking to you. I have missed you. You are a nice person to me as you always stay quiet, you don't judge me. You always listen and let me rant and rave. You are a good person and I like you very much. You know diary, life is so funny. It overwhelms me with emotions till I feel I'm slipping away from a mountain top, floating away in the air, till I fall down in a deep ocean, reaching the bottom. The floating part feels like freedom but the ocean, suffocating, enchaining. That's how I feel. But today I feel a bit okay... Not the best or bad. I feel alright. I can breathe although my heart is so sore, like someone is holding it too tight. You know who does. You can guess. L. does. We talked today and the day before I told Z. about how we didn't talk anymore after my outburst of emotions. It's like he didn't want me or to see me anymore. I'm so blind. I wished I could see behind the closed curtains. I never guess better things for myself than the worst. And now that he was around, I wished the worst upon myself. I wanted everyone I loved to own the best, but I didn't think I was. Therefor when I were in any commitment with someone, it would end. As I was nothing than a shell or a piece of junk, only because I thought so and they could not convience me different than to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. I'm head over heels in love with L. As I said, Z. recommended me to write him while I doubted but Z. is like a mother to me and I trust her with any advice she gives me. I did... and it took me so many hours to write a tiny email. It cost me so much effort. I manage to do things easily when I think it doesn't matter what others think as I will be dead soon anyway and hopefully it all will be forgotten. He already knew or got the hints that I liked him. *sighs deeply* And he likes me too, he says. Isn't that lovely? To me it's a relief... I feel better though I will cut tonight. You have no idea how much I care about him and I know how he looks too. He is so beautiful. I wanted to be beautiful for him also and it made me sad, though he kept telling me in many manners that he likes me and would appreciate us to continue talking with each other. Just like M. he thought he probably would be too old for me and never replied back. I wished I could make myself pretty, I'd want to be with him always but now I don't want him to see me. I didn't even want to see my face in the mirror when I went to the bathroom to fill my bottle with water. I'm ashamed of my body, its illnesses and limitations. It's possible we'll just stay friends (I wanted to, though it fucking slashed my heart apart) as he lives far away... He talked about next year, that he'd move back where I live. But next year I may not be alive. So, I guess I will see him most likely once in my life. I want to see him for sure. I want to prepare myself... as I want to impress him. I badly need to see him. Both of us were distant... and we have not ever, one moment said these words full out that we were in love with each other. Other than 'liking a lot', but he knows... And I'm okay. I want to hug him so badly, and comb his hair and kiss his back. I felt softened but he weakened me a lot. I like it but I won't or shan't repeat the word love again.

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