Insomnia Scribbled down on Monday, 15 August 2005 7:46:33 AM
I don't suffer of insomnia. If I find myself awake on an evening is because I'm worried, that's the main motive to have me awake. Now the sun is shining all through the curtains remembering me of the sleep I haven't had today. I will go to bed soon as I'm incredibly exhausted. I stayed up because of my mother, I started feeling filthy and decided to come online. As I didn't know what interesting to do, I worked on a new layout, thinking it would 'soothe' me. Bright colors soon start annoying me, I am more inspired by dark things, that's why this layout. I didn't carry on with my starvation as you could've imagined, I ate junkfood at the end of the night. Now I am having a quick breakfast consisting of three buttered slices of bread with cheese. M. told me he loves cheese, what made us connect more, as we'd laugh with all the things we had in common. In bed my mother asked me if I felt sad and cried over M. I didn't want to tell her so I shrugged and told her I don't know. It's not an answer but I always answer anyone like that if I feel I don't want to be honest, just to have them drop the theme. She advised me to pray deeply so I'd be heard better. I want someone to talk to, that's why I 'pray'. Sometimes with respect, sometimes I address h(H)im as a friend or I talk to him like garbage too, it doesn't matter. As long as I can talk, that's all that matters. I've been talking into myself for a long while now. I put so much 'emotion' in it, that it often feels real to me. I do admire my mother for being so loyal and driven when it comes to spending the morning or the late evening praying for whoever needs her help. Either it be coincidence or not, they are being answered but when that happens, no one reminds someone helped them, they just forget about her, till they need another favor again. From her entire family, I consider my mum -despite her being not too nice all the time- the only one who thought about everyone and always wanted to help, sometimes too much. That we don't get along, probably has a good reason. For example I think completely different than she does. I don't believe in being mean back to loved ones if they hurt you. If M. woke up one day screaming at me, I'd frown and try to calm him down or try to find out what upset him. I wouldn't scream back at him. This place was an exception, it angered and irritated me, especially the way my mother couldn't refrain from treating me. Like a (dumb) child. I downloaded 'Incomplete' by Backstreet Boys as I couldn't find any other better songs (I wanted good ballads, of the 80's for example but I couldn't remember any). I don't want to listen to songs people converted me to listen to. I once had a fight with T. once where she threw in my face, that she was the one who brought me in touch with Tori. It's a little something that has me mad till this day and doesn't allow me to enjoy Tori at its fullest. Therefor I turn to Madonna, she may not be a wonderful artist to many, she did have some good songs I could relate to. Like I was saying, I have incomplete in my mp3-player... when I heard it, I switched over to another song. 'What a beggar!', I thought. But when I allowed myself to listen to it better, I am seeing that the lyrics are so appealing to M. and I. I'm getting a bit attached to it and it... yes.

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