Untitled Scribbled down on Monday, 29 August 2005 22:08:17 PM
Dearest diary, I write so much and I can't stop writing. I hoped in silence to see L. today but well, he is a busy bee. He personally told me he is outgoing and likes going out even there are times he does like being at home. I understand him. I think of him and me together some days and I wonder how it would be. Is he what I think of him in real life? He was going to mail me a photo of him, I was so happy he didn't. It would break my illusion and I want to continue daydream away. I wonder why he thought he should? Was he interested...? I felt flattered still but as we spoke further we both forgot about the picture he was going to mail me. Maybe he will be on tomorrow. I will be curious whether or not he found the book I recommended him to read. He recommended me one also but other people borrowed them already! By the way, the sixth book of Harry Potter is awaiting me in the library. Someone finally brought it back in. When I go to the library Wednesday (it's closed on Tuesday), I will take it. I must pay 1 euro for reservation costs. I shouldn't hold myself to anyone... Why am I this way? It's sort of 'crazying'. I feel so unwell. Men make me sick. When I think of them in a deeper way, I felt vulnerable. Then all I wanted was the softness and sweetness of a woman's skin and gentle, caring voice. Someone really has to free me of the fear I have for men. It is not good. So, tomorrow I have an appointment. I wonder what the psychologist will tell me. I really don't fancy her. She is cold like a freezer. She is so tasteless, she has no energy. I don't discriminate or judge her but her attitude is not like someone who is there to help people. It's like she randomly picked the job because it makes good money by only talking to people. How easy it is to have such jobs. You only sit randomly, stare at the time hearing someone rant and rave, and then you tell them to come next time, untill you decided that it was no longer needed because they now got better. I'm overreacting, I know they do something but I don't think so much. Everytime I left her, I felt like running home and slice a bit in my flesh. She made me so depressed. It was her coolness she radiated. She was too soft... and superficial. It wasn't like she was 'alive' and wanting to look inside of me. She only looked at my wrapper and felt pity. I feel depressed already. I have written a lot for today... I'm going to take in my pills and go to bed, I have to wake up really early. I have to be there at 10am. I hope to see L. tomorrow. Damn myself for wishing that! Damn myself. Go slit your wrists, tomorrow he'll tell you he's sorry he gave you the wrong impression. I think I am done with men.

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