Doctor Scribbled down on Saturday, 1 October 2005 11:49:20 AM
Dearest diary, I am officially not on the same line as my doctor. He checked my blood pressure and it was normal to my mum's relief. It would've explained my horrible headaches. All he could say was that I'm very tensed and that was probably causing all these physical issues. Everytime I went there he kept repeating himself: 'we're going to make changes', 'we're going to make you better' (why am I not getting or feeling any bits better?). Instead of shoving me with so much junk, he could shoot my brains out instead. It would be easy and fast. Using all these medication for a long period would turn me into an addict and it did. At the drugstore they told me I was having withdrawal symptoms. Unbelievable. What made me more angry is that he gave me more medication that would give me withdrawal symptons if I stopped using them. No, of course he can't warn me. He said: 'Take them in, if you feel they are helping, you don't need to come. Just call to order new ones. If they don't help, do come back again'. Idiot. He doesn't tell me how long I need to use them or what the effect will be, how I will feel. Grrr. So far I had: oxazepam, chlordiazepoxide, citalopram, effexor and now he gave me diazepam which was the same. It would give me withdrawal symptons if I stopped out of a sudden. The lady at the drugstore said I would have to slow down the dose instead of quiting abruptly. This doctor is so random, why doesn't he tell me these things? The way he shook hands with me, he was like pushing my hand in the direction of the door. It was clear, he wanted me out. *steams of rage* But well, diazepam may be handy someday... I sleep so aweful. I expect this to last for a few more weeks, untill I get completely better. I wore uniforms (a skirt and shirt) at school (in a dream), and stood up suddenly to go and write a question on the black board with some chalk. I was starting to write something like.. 'Why so many efforts if we'll die and won't remember life?' I couldn't finish the sentence because a teacher I disliked in real life, came and took me to do some exams. I think he used to think I was crazy. This year I saw him in the shopping centre. It was not crowded and I'm sure he had seen me but he ignored me harshly, glaring into a store. His wife also taught me. They're both the same. They only know you at school. Outside school you're just a stranger. Or they were to me. B. has a new laptop now. I like it, at the same time I don't. Now we'll be fighting over the modem. It only has one entrance... and next week he has a whole week off. That means a lot of arguing, I'm sure. I'm sort of starting to accept the life I lead. I can't change it so quickly... My fear for the outside world would have me clinged to my bedroom walls for a long while. Medication will steal a part of my sanity. It may hide it and I would forget that side of me. In other words, I won't be normal than a car without gasoline. Only with gasoline it's rideable. I don't nor will use any medicine aside ibuprofen. Lately I'm so.. irritated. I can't really cut myself either. I'm withdrawing from everything and those who have something to say or complain about my attitude gets scolds. I am rather sad and hungry. I'm gaining weight for eating again. It doesn't matter. I'm going to get myself some slices of bread and browse the net awhile. I must know almost the whole internet for doing that, excluding the xxx-pages. That's how life becomes when you've seen it all. When there's nothing interesting anymore. It becomes simple and dull.

«« death taking place -- prisoned by life »»