Mood swing Scribbled down on Friday, 16 September 2005 22:15:45 PM
Dearest diary, I hate rereading my entries but sometimes they inspire me to write a next one. I hate the previous one, oh well. I am dualism. L. used that word with me once and I liked it. I am very left, right, south, north. I'm water, going softly up and down. I am never straight and clear. I'm always misty, right in between. I'm both side of the coin. I'm the moon and sun, though more 'moon'y. My brother's girlfriend has claimed all weekends as hers as she's now here each weekend. I will stay in my bedroom and try to finish reading The Bell Jar. I haven't been feeling so fine today. I feel incredibly ugly when I look to myself, especially during the day, when the light fall inside the bathroom when my mother has her bedroom door wide open and the curtains. When something bothers me, I go very silent and I try to dissolve. I try everything to be unnoticeable. I tried to lie down in bed as my cheeks started becoming wet. I don't think I can make it till October, really. I feel the urge to disappear right now. Death is my shelter and comfort. I feel home and safe. Alive I'm so cold. Even I wanted to believe that L. would fall for me when we see each other, I knew well enough that it's a nice thought and nothing but a thought. With his fixation on beautiful 'normality', I'd never make it to be attractive in his eyes. I was more a beautiful disaster (=ugly). I say beautiful as I like tragedies. I like reading stories where this person dies, I find people dying or the manners they die sometimes beautiful. I know I'm weird and that's why I don't fit here. I have many weird and odd tastes to be normal. I enjoy conversing with L. and as long as I live, I will try to enjoy our conversations as much as I can without thinking anything. Though I was withering slowly. One day I would not see any pleasure into talking to him. It always happens when I'm fall out of love for many valid reasons. You don't look depressed to me, was the comment the man at my appointment yesterday told me. He was examinating me to see if I could work or go back to school because: 'this society prefers everyone to have their own income', he said laughing. I laughed falsely along with him. Actually, the whole conversation my brains did the automatic work for me. My heart was not laughing or smiling at him. I found that a dumb comment and that he was a man, made it worse. Later I had to talk to another one who had this 'fake' laughter too, thus I also tried to laugh along with him and pretend that I do want to live and work and be a part of society. I've also noticed that usually old men (elderlies) tell me I look 'nice'. What do they mean? I must look very weird or old. But I certainly didn't take it as a compliment. The whole conversation was superficial. One of them wanted me to tell what happened in my past, so there I had to be specific of why I was under care of a psychologist. We humans can't live without each other, we are social animals, I'm quoting this idiot what he is to me. 'Oh is that so?' I thought into myself. If we're so 'social animals', then why was everything and everyone so focussed on individualism. If you get on a bus, you can be sure that some people won't get up, if you're old. They will just continue sitting, chatting like they don't give a shit about you. If I am desperately seeking my purse I lost, no one will come to me and ask: 'what's wrong, can I help you?'. No, they will think I'm crazy and laugh at me. So, he was just being a fuck. And I hate fucks. Fuck his social life he believed in. I hope I soon won't be part of it. So, perhaps I'd be working. I don't care. Money is good. I can save it up to own a credit card and buy poison that is reliable. I may not. As I am considering going in October, or attempting suicide. I know I may end up most definitely in the hospital if I fail. What's certain, I'd die in both cases. If I succeeded, of course immediately. But if I failed, the process would go slowly but it would lead to death or me losing myself, being absolutely nothing I were before. Just a lifeless shell. I have pains again. Terrible pains. I am using painkillers, they don't seem to help so much. I will take another one tonight and hope I awake feeling better. I'm such a wrech. I am almost falling apart. My knees are not functioning normally anymore, as my thighs are heavier than my legs. I can't walk so well either. I'm... yeah, 'handicapped' in all senses of the word. I'm certainly not normal. I went for another ride with my brother. My mum gave me 20 euros this week which I'm saving. I think I have 300 euros saved now. Money to buy a death ticket. My death is rather expensive, isn't it? I said to myself, if I fail and stay alive, I'd jump, without doubt.

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