If... Scribbled down on Monday, 19 September 2005 12:33:37 PM
If you keep looking at others, you will loose yourself... Tori's voice is putting me in a gloomy mood and my search for what's right and wrong will always lead me to myself as no one can know what's best for me than I can. I find it rather saddening how everyone thinks that suicide is a bad thing to do. I am determinate and cocky by believing I will ever find the answer and find peace with what I will do. From all I've read my sponge has sucked up all the guilt people express when discussing this topic which probably will always be discussed. People really make me sick. If you listened to all of them, you'd feel discourage if you were easily to be played with or to be fooled. All the things you'd believe in would be nothing than the wrapper of what once was had a tasteful candy inside. I want to know what's best for me... but I don't know myself to decide that. Maybe if I knew my life had a purpose and when it would come to an end, I'd probably live... even it was just to meet that beggar over 20 years who would've ask me for money or else he'd starve without food. To save his life, yes. At least something, but I don't know nothing. I find it selfish from whoever to think or assume I (should) know everything. I don't think all decisions were ever decisions because you hardly had a knowledge, I mean real knowledge of what was and wasn't. Of what was out there and wasn't. Of what was coming or wasn't. Of what used to be or wasn't. Life is like a book missing pages. There's a lot I doubt I'd ever understand and perhaps I will endure life till it did what it always did best. No matter how much I disagreed with myself. I didn't think I could.

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