Untitled Scribbled down on Friday, 26 August 2005 11:36:20 AM
Dearest diary, I think L. likes me. This isn't an assumption, I really thought he did. He didn't let me go to bed and you know what he said? That he liked talking to me very much and 'didn't want to have me go to sleep' though I had an appointment. He said he didn't regret doing so, he's a meany, isn't he? But I like him... I always liked the wrong guys. I always followed them like a little doggie. I haven't slept the whole day still I felt flattered. I appeared to be interesting and we looked similiar in so many ways. He also makes me laugh all the time. He told me he got the impression I was lively but understood the reasons why I was so down. I do know quite a bit from him and he does know quite some stuff from me, except that I was wishing death upon me daily. It's very amusing to converse with him because he is so diverse, he has experienced and went through so many exciting stuff and all I could do was have him tell me more. The only difference I could name between us would be that I was incredibly sensitive and constantly worried about pleasing others to not have them mad at me, that was so far I thought it was useful or else I would let go. He thought I could be a little more assertive and selfish as long as I didn't hurt people. But I always thought I did, therefor my needs aren't always important. He -in contrary with me- was rather straight to the point. He doesn't pretend (except when he does but usually he doesn't), just likes saying what he thinks. When I see someone at first sight I think, 'I want to make that person feel comfortable with me, that he/she is a nice person and worthy to be'. He in contrary thinks: 'let's see if this person is worth being a friend, or else I won't bother going deeper'. He inspired me so much and we get along so well with each other that it's rather terrifying. Now that I felt I 'had' him, the proces of withdrawal had begun. I was wanting to let go off him as I know he could hurt me, he already did. This morning I was washing away my blood under the shower to clean me of the feelings that pained me. People have no idea that they are the ones who drive me to cut, they make me feel so bad sometimes. The smallest things do. I thought living on my own was the best for me, I would be safe. Say that's no life and we need people, I'll agree with you, but I don't think I deserve it. You know diary, I also believe the love that I seek is one which is nothing else than fairytales. I seek a horrible perfection that will have me stay single forever, not that I see more years ahead of me. I didn't feel that sad, at least I have my fantasies and stories I can tell myself. If I didn't, I'd be sad. I don't know what will happen from here... I stopped talking to L. around 6 am. I was talking to him the day before already at night, so we talked a long while though I did feel a bit sleepy sometimes. I will soon go to bed, I feel very tired. After that, I went showering to go to the appointment. Later I found myself taking a nap that lasted 10 minutes or so. I arrived early at my destination, the appointment was not okay. A few doctors will have to check on me to see if I am capable to perform any duties. I will get a letter within two/three weeks. My mum had to go through that one too and I remember the man (he was nice though) asked me whether I attended school and which sort I went to. When I replied, he felt sorry for me and thought I was letting a great opportunity slipping away. Now I possibly had to confront him again and have such talks again. The woman who helped me today was constantly smiling, like laughing inwardly. I felt horrible and tried my best to answer her questions as good as possible. She wondered why I suddenly went to the psychologist now. I told her that the doctor refered me, though she didn't seem too convinced but had to work with the facts. She wanted to know the medications I use and what I do at home and if I had friends. Lots of interrogative questions, like a cop. I left a few minutes after with a great urge to hang myself, cut and stab myself till there was not much of my personality left. I wanted to cut up my face and maybe others will think it's for attention but for me it was a way to burry my face and kill my identity. I wanted to die and I want to die. I seriously doubt whether I'm going to wait for M. or not. Sometimes I felt he fucked me and really really hard. And now I was lonely, intensely lonely. It felt like a struggle now someone new entered my life. If I were someone who liked going out, I would've probably been a whore. No wonder I'm being called that so much. I fell in love quickly and when I did, I would feel so connected to you and felt together we'd be beautiful. I was feeling guilty, as I adored M., he is so dear to me... but now I also felt a sort of a mysterious attraction for another person that it made me feel so nauseous. Why do I have such feelings? I know... I just wanted the consolation and intimacy. There's not much I can do against such feelings. L. made me feel at place even he was living abroad and not where I live. Still he suggested that if there ever was anything bothering me or I wanted to escape my life a little, I could turn to him. I don't think anyone has ever told me that, except M. of course. He was generous, helpful and lovely... and I felt like shooting my heart and feelings out of myself. I was only causing harm upon myself with my rediculous thoughts. I want to find blades, I want to buy them. I think I will. I want to wash away this confusion, this 'screaming torment', this thrist which will always leave me thirsty.

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