The Bell Jar Scribbled down on Wednesday, 14 September 2005 21:15:03 PM
Dearest diary, In bed I thought about you and had to come and write a little to you. I miss talking to you all the time but due lack of energy and lust, I have refrained from posting a journal. Today I was in the library, I brought back 11 books I have not read so well, except one about Borderline (only the suicidial part) and one about a gay guy (sm). I think male authors write so complicated. The only male writer I have liked a lot is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the book De amor y otros demoños. It was a short but sad story between a teen and an older 'priest', if I recall it well. He was religious, I think. However it was a romance with age difference. Now I'm reading the Bell Jar, among with three more books I borrowed (including Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince). I feel envious of Esther or Sylvia for being such an intelligent being. I hate her intelligence and also that she was depressed. She was a tormented genius and I'm a tormented insignificant simpleton. It does read quickly, though I can't stand the life Esther led, normally, yet exciting like any student or normal teenager has in life. I blame it on myself, it's my fault I'm this way so I have no motive to complain. The only thing I could relate with Esther is that I also feel very pure and clean after a really hot shower. I feel so sacred and reborn. I feel more beautiful than I could ever feel on any other moment of a day. Not even being in love can come close to the pureness hot water gives me. I will cut this entry into two to three parts as lots has happened the past few days. I talk to L. but the contact failed a lot due his MSN being such an ass. He's now here, only not to visit me. He did give me a few stuff to 'so-call' entertain myself for the few days he won't be home, before leaving frustratedly to bed. Rather sweet, I believe. No one ever gave me stuff to 'entertain' myself before, for during their absence. I told him I'm in love with him now. I know I shouldn't have done so but I felt if I told him I'd feel better, instead I felt sicker and excused myself to go offline. He said he was not going to respond on that phrase. Why? He was a good person but fixated on looks which I understand now, that it's a personal preference, only I don't share it with him. Some beauty can bring a lot of arrogance and that's all I saw when I took a walk down the street. A tight jeans screaming of self-confidence and vanity, yelling 'I'm hot and you will want me and I will not'. I feel low when I'm amongst people. I feel anything but beautiful. I compensate it with being charming, sometimes a bit funny, mainly very open and airy. With pretence as you can see. I also pretended a lot when talking to L. He could say hurtful things yet I pretended my heart was not wounded, that there was no injure leading me to ooze this red fluid I sometimes let go its way. I still like him. And if anyone would ask me today what I would wish for to stay alive. I'd wish for him to love me and want me. Only that isn't or may not be possible. I'm in peace with that. I know nothing goes the way I wish for or desire them to be. Neither do I want them to be. I want honesty and sincerity. I don't want to live a lie which I already did. We all did. This morning I visited my doctor to tell him I have horrible cramps (you have no idea, they have started coming again) and I had to protect my stomach by wearing a legging underneath my jeans or anything (shorts etc.) or else my tummy would start aching. It kept aching the entire morning, I think because the weather is getting colder. He prescribed me the same pills as before. I explained him how I cut myself as he could've seen me (he had me take my jumper off and expose my tummy several times for examination) and was worried how my blood dries so fast and goes really thick. He said he already knew about my cutting as he saw a few lines on my stomach and expressed I had a lot of 'nerves' and 'together we'd make me better'. He's hilarious. How could he, if he rarely really talks to me? For example, I got another anti-depressivant as Citalopram didn't work, except making me feel sick and lack apetite. If I don't ask him about the effect of the medication, he simply won't tell me. I have Efexor 75mg now. I will have to use it a few weeks before I see any result. The woman who gave me out my prescription told me that I had to use it for weeks before seeing the result and said the doctor would've told me that. I said no, he didn't what surprised her. We concluded I had to take initiative, to visit him when I felt any side effects or when it was working to get a new prescription. Of course I have to. It's my body, no one can take care of myself than me. So if I want to get better, I will have to run after people as always. I take my medication at once now. Multivitamines L. recommended me (for not eating so much), the pill, Duspatal :s (whatever the name is, for my intestine issues) and Efexor. I take them all at once. I'm not longer using chloordiazepoxide as they make me incredibly sleepy. The doctor also told me to, when I discussed the side effects of all the medication I got for my depression and 'anxiety'. I'm a pill abuser. Without doubt.

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