Sleeps substituting eating, right? Scribbled down on Monday, 5 September 2005 19:08:18 PM
Dearest diary, So, I went on sleeping when my brother threw me off ('Let me see something for awhile', is his usual comment to get me off the computer). I was working on a new layout for the community I 'used' to run since I don't pay attention to it anymore. I do for the website as still there are people submitting stories. I am better in creating banners than anything else. I am trying to be a bit creative... I will probably be satisfied with the result by tomorrow though I have so much to do. This week is going to be busy. I woke up by the movements of my mother seeking through my stuff. She said my eye balls went from white to my brown pupils, like I'm so alerted that it must be that I was trying to conceal something. She's funny. Obviously I will. I have some stuff she needn't to see, right aside of my bed and if she goes in those bags, I'm fucked. All I did was hiding these 'important materials' with other useless writings to hide the danger of what I had in my possession. As she was holding my poems books she was saying how she never read them whenever she found them, as she thinks they are depressive and doesn't want more worries than she already has. You do well, mum. But another of her usual comment was: 'How do you plan to have someone if you're so messy?' in an angrily voice as she was trying to bring order into my chaos (I really seldom clean up my room). I didn't say anything but replied inside: 'That's the point, I don't care anymore, so why should I bother?' That is why I have not washed my hair in months or sometimes don't shower in days (except when I have to go to an appointment). That's why I hardly change my clothes, that's till they start feeling uncomfy. This is another bad habbit of mine: I sleep in my clothes and wake up, going out without changing them. The only thing I do daily is brushing my teeth but not without effort. See how depression is making me so lifeless and careless? Of course I wouldn't be if I had to see someone, I'd take care of myself. But this has worsened after M. disappeared. I used to pay attention to myself. Only after his departure I gave up. I'm not relevant to anyone. I'm now and then 'in love' (what I'd rather call a vivid hallucination), to later find out the person is not satisfying me in the way I want to. I do sound like a borderline girl. I start with enthusiasm but one bad mistake, one annoyance and I may end up putting you aside. That is if you're not my official boyfriend. If you are, I cling myself despite you being a bastard. I don't want to loose you and I do everything in my power to have you stay but if you want to leave or choose so, I'd let go. As again: I don't care. You don't own anything on this planet, you won't ever. Remember always you have to die, then you'd be put in your grave empty-handed. I lied to my mother - I am so sorry I have to be this way - that a good friend (my best classmate) is wanting me to stay with her for three days but that's an excuse for me to be away in the future. In reality, I haven't spoken to her in years. The last time I heard from her was when she mailed me a present for my birthday (really sweet of her). I wanted to write her this year but can't have her questioning me about life. So I'm forced to isolate myself from everyone, regardless of them being meaningful to me. My mother has been talking about that the whole day. You know, diary. Always the same stuff. She finds it hard to be away from me. We're Siamese twins. She can't live without me. I do care about her as in many cases, if I were with other mothers, they would've told me harshly to find solutions on my own. Actually, my whole life would've been different. I'd be more independent. She's been a good help though, sometimes supportive (like she also hopes for me that M. will appear, but not if she knew he was so much older, would she??) and she's often nurturing though she tends to blame you along so you will feel guilty instead of soothed. She told my brother about me going to be away and his reaction was like: 'Yeah, she should stay there too', like he doesn't want me home. It sucks if your brothers don't give a rat ass about you, doesn't it? To me it hurts like hell, like someone is mawning my heart or something. Bad example. I'm not thinking rationally... It's like someone is digging a sword hard inside till it comes out at the other end. It really hurts me deep. I don't know why I am like this. I feel sometimes happy when my brother wants me to go out with him as then we talk and he reveals stuff he wouldn't tell me at home for being in a bad mood. He is generous and gives me money (which I totally appreciate as I really need it right now, I'm saving them all up). He's also very funny, both my brothers are but sometimes in a really sarcastic way (or bullying). I wonder if any of them will care when I'm gone? I kind of feel sad right now but I should feel apathy. I always tell myself I don't care, why do I have these feelings no matter how hard I try to become a gigant rock like L. is. But then men are harder and coolier. L. was freezing on the outside (I told him he's like 4000 degree below zero) but so soft and tender when you got to know him... I feel lost. I feel lost that I have no meaning to anyone. If I did, then it's a loss anyway (do I know I have any meaning to anyone, today? So...) and I still wouldn't have stayed. I don't believe anything people tell me. The mirror showed a monster, I could see her. Thus people were lying out of pity. Al. was in my dream also, writing me an email. I know or think she really misses me and I do too. I miss her, she was my best friend. We could talk and swear with each other so much. It only intimidated me when I was joking and she'd feel like I sliced her finger off. She was immediately on fire and mad. She was a good person though, and inspiring. I won't ever forget her as she is also my first relationship with a girl. How could I? I will still leave the option to her to overwin her pride to call me instead of mailing me. I'd like to hear her again and know how she honestly feels about our break up. Happier or worse? I think she seemed to be sorry and was telling me she didn't mean it. I don't dream of her so often and I hardly think of her. Thus when I do see her in my sleep, it's always a sign that she's wanting or feeling something.

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