Honesty isn't the best policy Scribbled down on Friday, 7 October 2005 8:23:31 AM
Dearest diary, The air or the sky contains so many holes. I don't know everything and it's a shame. But if yesterday I didn't feel like being honest with people I care about, it would've saved me a lot. How can I know? I can never go back to the past and redo everything, it won't happen. I will have to live with the events that have happened and move on. But I won't move on, I don't wish to nor want to. The time has stopped ticking, at least I am not longing so much for anything except the darkness. The shadows, where no one is a burden or an obstacle. I feel very lonely today... On Monday a few days ago, my world fell apart when I was here, fixing a few entries. I deleted a lot on this site, wanting to focus more on my journals and I won't be in the mood to update any other urls. As I was typing on the ground, in my brother's bedroom hitting key after key very slowly for not being used to the laptop, I heard the phone ringing. It was my mobile. I thought perhaps it was my dad or the brother that lives abroad. I continued my typing routine, very dedicated, determinate to finish soon while I heard my brother's voice answering. I thought too that he was possibly playing with my mobile, he does so. He uses his phone to ring me up and when I go get it, he hangs up. I didn't pay much attention and fell more away in what I were doing at that moment. Untill he entered the room, telling me the phone was for me. I started getting angry, 'why did he have to bother me with all this?'. He could go play with my mother instead. I was busy. I think the person, there was someone on the phone, heard me arguing. For a minute M. crossed my mind. I decided to take the mobile and heard the possible voice on the other side. I won't forget how I was shaking, sad I have been feeling way before. I cried a lot moons ago and haven't coped. I think I came over as apathetic, I didn't cry or got worked up when answering the questions this Dutch masculine voice asked me, which had a similiar tone as M.'s. It's very likely he's related or M.'s dad or a friend. I didn't manage to ask these questions. I felt blown away. All I could say was yes... and 'why?'. He said that he had been in M.'s account also, thus he may know the sort of 'relationship' I had with M. I wasn't angry though or ashamed. I know he didn't read all his emails I sent to him or else I would've gotten a notification that one of them was viewed. However, he somehow found out that I knew M. very well. I wonder if he had also read the messages I exchanged with M. from asm? The voice kept summing a row of events that had occured, starting on the 31st of July. Like a train riding down over me, except I didn't feel much. After have noted a phone number which he said was of M.'s parents, and hung up, it all began to sink in. I was lost. And very lonely. Not long after I was crying like... forever. Sometimes I think M.'s just kidding me but he hardly ever made such horrible jokes with me. Now today, as I glare back on everything that happened, I think it's my fault partially for being a too considerate person. I'm never selfish, thus I never get to keep anyone close, not even for a little while. I'm just extremely angry while I do understand him, perfectly. I do. But he always told me, he'd warn me before he'd give himself into dark waters. There was a time he did... only this time not. I don't remember much of the conversation, it left me in ashtonishment despite me not being that surprised. We both have had such feelings, that's what brought us together in the beginning. I'm sad he had to go through this alone. And never shall I know why he chose to do it all on his own. He may have left this Earthly sphere (I'm very happy for you, you should know..) but the next day I got messages from him, even they arrived blank. How can I explain that? I don't think they arrived late as we've never had that problem before. It's definitely a coincidence. I miss him very much and all I can think of is joining him. It hurts to think that we'll never meet, that he won't ring me up or wake me up in the morning with his sweet messages. It hurts me that we won't see each other ever again. I wonder why my mother hadn't said that the blouse I bought for our meeting was a bad sign. She's often pessismistic and everything is wrong to her accord. She would've commented something as 'who's funeral are you going to?'. So, now I will likely wear it to the cemetary where he is resting. If I heard it well, they told me they had his mobile with them which means he is here. I'm excited that I can visit him, that he's here, only saddened that I won't be able to speak with him. He won't wake up and cuddle me or pronounce my name again. At least I can put flowers for him and greet him... Even I'm scared of such places, so Z. offered to accompany me which is nice of her, otherwise I wouldn't go. I still doubt whether or not I'll go. The chance is there that I won't. I feel he didn't care for me and everything he said was a lie. I do know and feel what he did that day was completely impulsive as he was sick. What other factors determine his choice to be dead, I won't really know. I do know that I feel I didn't have a bit of meaning at all to him. Perhaps he just wanted someone to talk to and wanted to be nice with me for a change. I can't tell. In spite of my mixed feelings, I still cared a lot about him and wished he could be brought back. I have been trying to dream about him without success. Maybe he's far away... I traced the address that matched the phone number of his parents and wrote them a letter yesterday morning. It took me two hours to rewrite everything neatly. I could've called them but a letter is more personal and they can save it... for whenever. Nothing matters now. Nothing does. I either cry every now and then as he comes across my thoughts or I try to calm myself down, slicing myself up which got me into an argue with my mother because I leaked some blooddrops on her blankett. I couldn't make any good excuses because it was done just recently. Hopefully I'll see him back someday... *bites sadness away* Till then life will continue being a torture to me, I was not longer here... Just my body. My mind was floating elsewhere. Or it died with the news of M.'s silent departure.

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