Reclusing Scribbled down on Saturday, 8 October 2005 18:23:02 PM
Dearest diary, I'd like to take my words back in about everything I've said regarding my bond with L. I had one last conversation with him to reassure myself. I have seen that in fact, I am not feeling much for him. I think M.'s departure has made many things clear for me, like... he still has a deep meaning and is relevant despite his abscence, though he has always been special. I will be missing him for a very long time... untill I can close my eyes just as he did. I prefer being anonymous, behind my computer than ever showing up for us to meet. I'm not dead yet, nevertheless I was starting to give up, physically. It is making me desperate. Anyone who wants to stay alive, can't be lingering in a house that was leaking. Only I'm not anyone... Living has become a word. Like a pencil. Or things you'd loose but don't find a loss. I don't find talking necessary unless I have a question, needing of an answer. Therefor I will be breaking most bonds. G. sent me a letter... She asked what happened the past few months. Lots have happened. But she won't know. I am not planning to reply. Water dreams are dominating my sleep. I was walking somewhere in a town when a huge wave came out of nowhere. I ran to a building, and hid inside it and watched it passing by, like an enormous truck. I pulled an African woman inside who would die if she stayed outside, she was crying out of fear. I was lying on the bed when something like a tornado came. It threw the windows open and ripped them away. I felt it would take me with it and after a little thinking, hearing the dark, sad noises of the powerful wind blowing inside, I lied down on the ground to protect myself. Next time I won't do that.

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