Untitled Scribbled down on Friday, 12 August 2005 17:15:47 PM
At this point in my 'existence' (not like I think 'I am' and 'am alive'), I am neglecting everyone and everything. There are only two things I make myself do everyday which is coming online and try to write a journal. When I am, soon it's the evening and I wouldn't have sat and grieved about myself, though I do it sometimes when someone reminds me of what I am. Not who I am, again I don't know that person. The more people turn against me (my mum is, my brother is, now D. is also angering with me), I feel I have everything to kick myself from this blue marble. I had another argue with my mother as I have a horrible, and I mean horrible memory. Don't tell me things when I am occupied with something else. I may hear your voice but my brains doesn't convert more than one thing at a time. Keep giving me all your negative energy and I will swallow it all down, till the point it just makes me run over and I can explode in fire untill my ashes are the only reminders of someone called enigma, as that's what I am, perfectly. My mum should've called me enigma, it would've fit me so much better. Looking at the amount of names I have been called, no one sees me the same. I remember a teacher at my school would call me Truus, it annoyed me to death. 'Hi Truus', he'd say when I was walking passed him (he was working as a cleaner), with this typical accent. In my head I always thought he didn't like me that's why he would punish me that way, with this ugly name. Poor those who are called Truus. And poor am I for being such.., such an unkind, unfriendly person. I'm probably just doing anything to hang on, to prevent myself from falling as I know that sliding is dangerous, you can break a bone, get yourself wounded, or fall in an abyss, or in a hole with a group of... lions or other flesh eating animals. Talking about animals, that's also what my mother calls me. Today she called me an animal and it doesn't sound great, does it? I don't mind.. (I don't, I don't), I don't. My life is bad and it's not the big things that makes it this way. I am not being beaten up to death, I don't get abused by some pedophile who's supposed to be my dad, I don't get bullied by some brats at school (well, I'm not longer at school), I am not in environments like in Somalia, or other poor African countries where there's no food. If I ever experienced anything, I wouldn't know. I know it is bad by looking at the simple little things that are actually important things. In a different period and time, with a better family, I know I wouldn't be the way I am. I would be a succesful adult but with a very cold heart probably, not so sensitive, or very sensible and responsible, also extremely strict. But I've bent all the rules to my liking, to have it all my way. And still that way didn't bring me anything. EDIT: I dreamt with Tori. I never think of artists or singers but I guess in dreamworlds you are everywhere and Tori's soul visits her fans. I was sad over something and I saw her. I was happy, she looked motherly. I asked her if she could hug me and she did. She drew/wrote something quickly, somehow it would help, she told me. I don't remember the whole thing. Except that it was the nicest dream I've had with her.

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