Tired Scribbled down on Saturday, 6 August 2005 12:06:19 PM
Originally posted on Thu, 04 August 2005 08:57:10 I don't feel like writing but I had a dream that is probably unlocking the mystery I am dealing with. I went to the doctor this morning and he told me I have to come back next week. Seems the 'wound' is still not healed, mainly soft. He told me to not use betadine or keep it closed in bandaids, so it will have some fresh air. I am not happy with his decision as this wound didn't look so yummy to anyone who sees me. I wished I ever wore my hair all out but I don't, or else it would cover it. Now the dream. I got in bed and started crying as my thoughts kept passing me by. I haven't cried this much before, not over someone, not even her. I think sometimes her arrogance turned me off... and I knew there would never be anything to worry about with her. Instead, this one is different, so different. I was never told to be something and I felt I wanted to do just anything... Now I didn't know what to do as I did not possess any knowledge at all. I must've fallen asleep while I were still crying as I woke up with my stomach full, as if it's filled with unshed tears and it kept me from eating. This dream is very important to me. I am starting to have hope though it wasn't a really nice normal dream. I dreamt I was with my cousin. Neither does she look like the normal family member, she's completely oppositie. Light skin, soft hair.. unlike me who has afrohair. I think the reason she appeared instead of someone else, is a very important symbol. I walked with her in a room where there was a mattress without any blankett, without anything on it. It was just there.. It was like someone was busy taking everything away and left a few things that can't be carried along, behind. (Eureka!?) As soon as I entered, she started strangling me. Not painfully at all... It kind of was arousing... and the things that happened next, are too explicit to write down. It's very obvious this dream is symbolic, as I'd never have such feelings for my cousin, even we were rather close when we were younger. Only not today. Later I saw her lying in bed, she appeared to be sick. There just was something bothering her. I saw myself ringing her a couple of times and the number wasn't working. The phone I was using was ancient I couldn't see the numbers too well. She was sad and I was rubbing her back like someone who only understood her, above anyone else. I am not sure if I am interpreting it as should, but it did have a few little things in it that did remind me of this other thing. She was grieving over her boyfriend who seemed to have eyes for someone else, that's what she thought. I recognized this as my fear. The whole dream isn't logical. It's more like... this morse coding or something. You have signs that look alike but mean completely different things. That's how I experienced a few scenes. I was yelling at people who didn't get her (mainly our family), as I was so affectionate of 'her'. I really felt attached to 'her' in a beautiful way. I know she represents someone else. Most likely. Sometimes her voice sounded different and between the call and me rubbing her back, it was like I could switch place. It's confusing. That's all I can remember. I woke up with a sore, unbearable headache. My mum had just finished preparing dinner, my favorite dish. I spoke about it before,... It's a typical foreign dish I like. If I am correct, this dream is telling me soon there will be answers, things clarifying this confusion. I've been so sad the whole day that I ate while I wasn't hungry. I ate almost anything I bought. If there was cheese, pudding, and cornflakes, I took a bit of everything. If I, for example, eat the whole cheese I'd get sick. So I vary the taste and maybe I reduced my sickness a little, but I still felt like I could vomit. F. the dutch guy I used to like, replied to me. I made a mistake sending him an email where I was notifying a few people that I wasn't longer using my previous account. I am too quickly... So, now I sent it to.. three people who actually didn't have to receive that mail. One was a girl I wasn't talking to anymore, she simply never replied to my letter I wrote her. In that letter I was showing my disgust towards her parents who treated her so badly... And she also convinced me in that letter I replied unto, that she was a cutter. I have never told her back that I was. I know.. many people tend to try to cut or to see if it helped or wondered how it felt like. She told me she never did it again as it hurt her family. I just cared about her and sometimes I go too deeply with my expressions that no one appreciates it. So she never replied and for that I hate her. She was pretending like nothing happened, writing me the mail she wrote, telling me she was starting a new study next month. I wasn't happy. Being in touch with her isn't a happy experience. I can't believe how much I've changed. I think I've written enough. I'll have to check my spellings and then I will do a few random things and turn the pc off. I am so tired. *yawns* I wished I could timetravel, dammit or that God was dead.

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