No wonder why I'm so stupid Scribbled down on Monday, 8 August 2005 9:40:33 AM
The paper the doctor's wife has given me last week, got lost. I could swear I put it on my night table but I just can't find it. Now I have no idea when the appointment is, around a quarter to eleven or twelve. I think I will just leave earlier. I have credits to ring them up but I don't want to spend it. It would be a total waste, I know there will be more important occassions and I am not sure I can buy credits this month. I'm a bit sensible and greedy also. Especially when it comes to phoning people I'm not connected to or to just know a simple thing as the time. Yesterday I killed a few hours playing with a Painting programm. Not constantly though. I was: 'Okay, let's go do something... No, I want to write. I'm going to bed now. But I am bored. I want to paint.. I want to work. ' I couldn't really make up my mind. I'm an extremely annoy to myself. After walking up and down, from the pc to the bedroom, I went to watch some tv. I can't say what was on other than America's Next Top Model. It was an old transmission, where they cover all the previous parts of the girls who were in and got sent home. I really am not watching tv so much, except movies (if there are any good ones). I totally hate, hate what they transmit. The cartoon channel sucks. They adjusted it for kids during Summer, so for example Rocko's Modern life is in Dutch and Ren & Stimpy isn't on at all. I can imagine it's probably because it's morbid and not really for little children. Stupid, useless programms. I watched ANTM as I'm deadly curious about the winner and I had nothing else to do. This is also important, maybe I do well in writing it down somewhere. Ik heb veel nagedacht over hem en besloot voor ik mijn tijd aan hem zou besteden, om positieve gedachtes uit te zenden, te gaan douchen. Ik wou mezelf eerst reinigen van alle negatieve energieen en stoffen die ik over me had die dag. Ik brandde in de tussentijd wierook, van roos(2)=liefde en muskus(1)= geluk. Later nadat ik klaar was in de badkamer stak ik er weer twee aan van beide soorten, om mij te begeleiden bij mijn hulpkreet. De aantal heb ik met een speciale reden gekozen. Ik sprak uit... *zucht* en hoopte voor een antwoord. Het doet me wel wat dat ik toch een antwoord heb gekregen, alhoewel het mijn eigen verstand kan zijn die me tot zo'n droom heeft geleid. Ik droomde met hem, het was een goeie, leuke droom. Hij smste me en vertelde dat hij veel bezig is geweest met zijn gezondheid en niet veel tijd had (denk ik?). Toen zag ik zijn aanwezigheid voor mij. Hij zei ook om hem ergens te vinden, omdat hij vaak daar was in een Yahoo group (all profiles :s). Hoe dan ook, hij was zo teer en probeerde mij aan te raken en te kussen, ik vond het zo'n mooi gedachte. Ik was een beetje bang, wanneer leer ik dat dromen niet is zoals de werkelijkheid?? Ik kan een gat in de lucht springen. Voor mijn gevoel, is hij veilig en ik dank *u* ook om naar mij te hebben geluisterd, ook al was het misschien mijzelf die de stap heeft gedaan om over hem te dromen. U begrijpt mij wel. =) I have the answer I believe and now I can breathe a little better, I hope. D. and I aren't doing so well with each other. I at least sent him a rather angry email... but then, the mail he sent to me wasn't too friendly either. It was an email you'd write to people who are you're not close to. Though I never tell anyone to quit whatever they are doing. I don't wish to write to him anymore, it's too painful. He won't sms me either, it shows he was possibly offended. In whatever way, I suck at maintaining friendships, especially when I get deep with someone. I shouldn't allow myself to do this as it will start to burden me (why?). Not other people's problems, just that I can't have too many friends as it cost a lot of energy and time. Unfortunately, I tend to make friends a lot online. I used to have many penpals too. I would probably start writing in the afternoon or morning and finish till after midnight with a sore head. I wrote too many people at once, I just had too many penpals than I could name :s It kept me occupied and I was always trying to entertain them with stories of my cultures or definition of certain words in my tongue. It was fun, untill it wasn't and I stopped. B. didn't tell me that this Turkey girl had sent me a letter yesterday (or Saturday). He went buying some junkfood and put the letter on the kitchen table where it got filthy with sauce. Thank God that I am curious, or else I would never find out things, like that I received a letter from my penpalling era. I think the last time I wrote her was months ago. She writes me once in a few long months. I don't mind at all. I just don't. Currently I enjoy talking to this woman (who I thought was a guy). She sees me as someone who could've been her daughter as she has a son of my age. She lives where I live.. is kind of like me, we have too much in common unfortunately. She's realistic and honest too. Anyway, whatever that can keep me busy is good.

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