Mutiple life Scribbled down on Wednesday, 10 August 2005 0:29:51 AM
I lead a mutiple of life online like a secret agent as a few of those lives are fake (what I present to you, isn't what I really am feeling inside) and only one what I actually am. That part is something I don't even know, I don't know what I am. I've said that so often before which is my truth. I wasn't experiencing life to my accord. After showering (I've just done so), I was walking to the kitchen to throw some stuff away. I was feeling like I were walking on stick. It's as if I am not really inside of my body but floating somewhere aside of myself. I don't feel like I am directing a body but holding its hand like a sort of... balloon in one hand. I was getting slow, energy kept slipping away. I am falling and falling more... the process isn't stopping or taking a pause. It's going it's way. Perhaps I don't like D. because he told me to stop self-injuring. Words that gushed vinegar in my eyes or gasoline. It made me upset that he was talking like someone else. I'd never tell anyone to stop cutting theirself. And it's not like I cut or that I feel like.. It's so hard to put my emotions into phrases but it's just that he didn't say anything different, what he said was no news. Nor do I like being told what to do, it will only provoke opposite. It is nice of him to show that he cares but for me that isn't caring. It's selfish and inconsiderate and stupid. I have communicated a lot with self-injurers (I probably would've done well as a psychologist, as I like listening and getting to someone's core), when they are being scared... I just tell them that they should know what they're doing. So, don't do things you don't have much knowledge about or don't know the consequences of. Though I learn best that way as I'm headstrong. Speaking to other people has always made me feel like my life isn't so important, so it was put aside. It's like reading a book, you get absorbed by the story that you forget your arm is becoming numb. That's how I am online. I try everything to not have to deal with my own life. I've come to the point that self-injury isn't what it used to be. D. would've known if life was different and if I was. I am not longer cutting as I used to. I may do it again when I'm extremely mad and it's the question whether I have anything in my reach or else I will 'get over it'. Something inside of me is like dying. It's nothing like it was before. Putting a blade in my flesh takes so much effort and it hurts. I know that everything I do once will come to an ending someday. My life is best described into periods. After almost three years, I've had enough of it. All I'm wondering about is.. what will have my attention next? I can guess... but I don't want to know it. The unknown way is sometimes scary. I had a horrible dream last night. My dreams are so vivid that I wake up scared that the things I've made up in my head will somehow appear infront of me in the waking world. It would be so terrible I'd find myself sleeping in my mother's bedroom out of fear. The same today. The whole sphere in my dream was dark yellow/orange mixed with gray and dirty green. Not the color, it's the feeling these colors call. I felt trapped and if I had to die, I would also be stuck in a blue world, as I was in my dreamworld. I was happy when I woke up, the fresh clear white light I saw this world surrounding me in, was more hopeful than my dreams looked like. It's like... I don't dare going to bed, as it's not a nice feeling all my dreams bring.

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