Self-hatred Scribbled down on Thursday, 25 August 2005 19:57:26 PM
Dearest diary, Why do I even title you as 'dear'. At least I get the feeling I have stories to tell and share with someone even you're not real. I was going to say how much I hate myself and I sure will a lot more tomorrow. I don't take in medications and maybe they are good for me but I don't give a damn. I always have the sensation when I use pills I'm abusing them. Perhaps I'm not even that unhealthy. I found out today by a uncomfortable uncomfortness in my tummy that my period has arrived. I may not have normal menstruations anymore, still the pain didn't entirely disappear. Pain always needs to be involved or else things aren't in place. Or nothing is 'right'. It wasn't a pleasure when I had to leave the house to get my brother's prescription his doctor gave him as I was feeling rather weak. He placed me two choice like some god. If I said no, I would have to spend a night without being online, what would not be bearable for me. I'm not so active online, still the idea of being on the Internet was nice. Everything was in my reach, there was a lot I could access. Without the computer, it was choking and I can't do much offline. There's nothing else I can do. I still have a few journal entries of the past days that needs to be written down. Because tomorrow I have to wake up early (my appointment is around nine o'clock), I can't write anything right now. I have to do my hair, fill in some stupid forms, get some clothes out of my messed up closet. There's a lot I want to have written down. Maybe I will take in some pills to feel calmed. I will be stressed and quite sweaty in there. I'm terrified actually. I'm crossing my fingers. May all evil stay away from me, though whatever I say will probably just attract things more. I'm listening to a few songs L. sent me yesterday or two days ago when we were talking. I haven't talked to him ever since... but he's on. I only don't feel like I have the right to start any conversations. You see, I never find myself worthy to be or do anything. What if they find my annoying, what if no one wants to talk to me? So if they are interested, I prefer them getting back to me, it will save me from feeling bloody and the punishment afterwards. All I find myself allowed to do, is sit and wait till someone tells me I can have candy. You do know what I mean, you do, don't you? I downloaded more songs... and also a few of Linkin Park but Chester's screaming soon started giving me a headache. They do have some nice songs despite me not listening to them as much as I did year(s) ago. If I'm not hallucinating, M. was in my dream last night. He smsed me and I felt all my emails and smses were pointless as he was okay. I didn't have to worry the way I did. Maybe he is alright... I think of him a lot and he has to be alright. Today wasn't my day, I broke two nails. I think the post office girl secret envy made me pay. I was out to have some fresh air too but the angry look on faces are intimidating. With my head low, trying as much as I can not to have contact I sought a way through the crowds of the daily life. In spite of my efforts of trying to become air so people won't notice me, I met a woman my parents know. We walked passed each other in the grocery store, as I tried to show the impression I was too busy to identify someone. But when I was putting the shoppings in the bag quickly (I wasn't quick enough), she came greeting, asking me one by one for a familymember (how's your mum doing, how's your brother doing, how's your grandmother doing). Nervosity attacked me and I couldn't find the right words. It happens, it happens. I was happy when she left and I could safely walk home. Only after crossing the roads of traffic, I felt safe. I was afraid of everything that was fast and noisy, traffic is. Remember the girl from the community, who emailed me? She also intimidates me. I saw her diary and saw how she looked like. Definitely not like I pictured her in my mind. She looks very happy... I feel so left out in everything. I only feel okay when people are going through shit and are depressed. It's bad, it is. It makes others believe I like seeing people suffering but I don't. I only don't like feeling like I'm the only one. I always need to have the idea, the comfort that a machine can tear my flesh apart without me screaming. That is, if someone has done that before me, it motivated me that I could also. I'm sorry I always seem in a hurry. I do have a lot to catch in with you. If you have patience...

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