Untitled Scribbled down on Sunday, 28 August 2005 1:52:46 AM
Dearest diary, I swear I can do something to myself from hearing my mother's repeative complaining. Hasn't she had her own life already, what gave her the right to mess mine? She used to be a teenager once, happier than I have ever been and will, why won't she leave me alone, why is she always so selfish, demanding me to listen to the things she is usually only repeating (the neighbours, or some stupid other thing that is so nonsensical or pointless)? What have I done to deserve this torture from her? What?? I do not understand. What was certain, she didn't give me the lust to live. She only drove me to end my life quicker. I wished I could explain more but I never will. I am sickly tired of her that it made me volatile, she drove me over the edge but I am self-controlled. I try to hold in my anger, my rage, the frustration she brought me as much as I can inwards or by releasing it with my blood. I seriously felt like cutting myself.. I think I will. The blood will destroy and make her poisonous words non-existant. Why am I blessed with such a family? I really believed I did something terribly but still I think no one had the right to punish me without me knowing I had done something wrong. Punishment without reasons is a whore. It's unfair. I'm going offline now. And do some beautiful drawings on my arm or something to make myself fall asleep better. Oh, I will drug myself with my medication too. I felt they made me rather drunk. Oh, not to forget. I don't think I really like L. I have found more about him today and he's nothing like I expected him to be. He is very cooly and very focussed on looks. I thought he was different... Unfortunately, but it was nice so far it lasted. No, I won't bother coming online the next days as I won't have time anyway and further he didn't give a shit about my feelings either. And maybe he just pretended to listen to me while he didn't give a flying fuck about whatever I go through. I hate men. Especially those who broke my heart... I hope M. forgives me, I may hate what he has done to me but he might has his reasons and more than anything, he was a mutiple of times sweeter and softer and I love him. Or.. fuck love. All I believed in was some stupid childish fantasy. Fuck myself, fuck every single part of my being that completed this stupid, idiot enigma I was. Fuck myself. Forever.

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