My weight obsession Scribbled down on Monday, 5 September 2005 11:23:11 AM
Height/length: 1.78m//5'8 Current weight with clothes on: 58kg//127.9lbs Current weight undressed: 57.2kg//126.1lbs (beated you Isole) Dearest diary, There is so much I have to tell you. Where should I start? Let's start with the dream I had this morning. It was actually rather funny when I woke up. One of the rarest times I actually remember a whole junk of dream, well... sometimes. I was on a computer outside on a road (funny, isn't it? I told you so!) and I saw an old muslim man coming in my direction, squeezing his balls which was a sign that he was planning something with me. He was going to rape me. I saw many children around me out of a sudden as if they were supporting this man (they were boys) and I immediately reacted grabbing something that looked like a stick but not strong enough and started hitting all of them. It was so much fun! Never in my life have I raged in a ruthless way, regardless of them being children. I poked them in their stomach, hit them on their head while I screamed loudly: 'HELP!' I managed to runaway where there are people... Memories I do not hold after I were in company. I wonder what this dream means? I do find it weird because many times or a few times in my dreams I'd just let myself get raped, knowing it wasn't real. This time it felt that way and I defended myself with all power I had within me. I woke up laughing. Me fighting? I hardly ever fight, except slapping and hitting my brother back when he's mad at me. There were another few dreams but they aren't worth sharing. You do find it funny, don't you? *laughs with you* Yesterday was a horror and my brother decided to call me lazy. The ignorantic fucking moron. Glare deep inside me and you will see even you may choke on the unbearable stinky drought as I were starving myself the entire day. I think I managed to survive without food (including fluids) for more than 24hours. I started the night before and by Sunday 8pm I couldn't resist any longer. My stomach hurt incredibly much, I was dizzy. I was holding myself against the walls and doors to walk my way through the house. I was feeling very, very ill. It's like I went in a day from a teenager to an elderly with no strength. I will not ever starve myself this way again. My mother was constantly worried about me as she sat accompanying me, asking me to eat something while I - headstrong as I am - refused. I was very sleepy and that all sucked my energy as I hadn't eaten. I must've taken three to four naps behind each other. Even I slept the whole day, at night I felt sleepy anyway. It must be the medicine, partially. I can't recall me yawning repeatedly before I got on medication. I know I have a bad sleeping pattern too. I usually sleep after midnight but I feel fit after a cold shower if I had woken up early. However, I didn't shower yesterday as I didn't have that much energy. At the end of the day I ate 4 slices of brown bread and sliced pieces of melons whilst I felt the gasses attacking me. I had to sit up straight to burp as I thought I was going to throw up. I also sense my stomach being unable to hold much food down. I tried relaxing lying down on the couch, watching Scary movie and Ocean's Eleven with my brother who felt like joining me. I felt a bit energetic again, at least less sick, though I am still recovering. I can feel it in my muscles, it's like they are stiff. As you read in the previous entry, I am on a diet now. More fasting and not longer doing starvations. It's sad that I almost failed. I used to starve myself without much difficulty easily before, why not anymore? I had to skip my anti-depressivants and anxiety pills, out of fear they may make me feel worse. I may take them tomorrow. Also: Happy birthday, my Sweetheart.

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