When...? Scribbled down on Monday, 8 August 2005 22:17:30 PM
Like I expected, I will have to go to the hospital to get this done. This will be exactly, the... fifth time I go there for the same surgery. It's like you have a big field... only... let's say, there are three seeds in that sand, the earth. One day one flower grows out of that ground but after some time, it starts messing up that earth. It becomes weed. You rip it out... but you don't know there are two more seeds. That's my case. Despite being a bit upset with my doctor for being cocky, thinking he could put this to an ending (all my previous doctor refered me to the hospital right away), I forgive him because when I asked him for a few pills he didn't hesistate one minute to prescribe me some. These are pills for anxiety. I am very... 'loca', as they would sometimes call people who 'lose it'. I went to get them quickly and a woman who helped me was really sweet. I love how I am more relaxed with them than with men. I am a woman, so I understand a woman because I am a woman. But I'm not a man, I have no idea what it is like, so I don't understand why they differ so much from a woman despite growing up with two brothers. I always assume they are 'senseless', indifferent.. these are qualities that were shown visibly to me in my younger years untill now. The only difference was my insanity and ignorance for being hypnotized when I was in love with a boy. Somehow they were extremely beautiful, more beautiful than anything. They had wings, were divine. That was for a certain time. As quickly as I fall in love, I could fall out of love, especially if I wasn't being answered. I keep myself contend thinking during the times I was under influence of this drug called 'love', it was and felt nice even it most likely was a breakable illusion. Everything is an illusion in my world, too too often. My mum and I are so much in a fight. It's not a fight... I am the only one who gives her harsh replies. There are so many times I think... 'why can't she do this/that on her own? or isn't that obvious? Why do I need to help you with something stupid like that?. I am upset with life that it gave me an old mother. A mother who would've been my grandmother probably in this time and space since kids give birth so young. I can't get along with the changes my mother went through mentally and physically. It made me a demon that I always wished bad things inside... but mainly I hoped to pay for everything I've done wrong by dying young. I may react my anger on her as I know she allows me to. She doesn't bitch back to me unless she does. When she does, then I feel bloodier but not bloodier than when I make her cry, like my brother did last week or so. When she cries, it's as if something aweful happened. The sound pierces through your flesh and heart. You just feel regret and wished you didn't have a heart. If I were ever badmouthed with my dad (what I wouldn't even dare, I'm not so close to him either), I could expect to have his fist for lunch. I hate remembering the past, it's very painful. My father was too. So, I'm a terrible daughter. The only moments that I felt beautiful, pure and something was after I showered with hot water, but more than anything... being with M. I can't wait to put a dot behind the sentence. No more comma's. No one will give me more comma's either. Except M. I want to be wherever he is... He is the only one who has the right to tell me 'stop' or 'don't'. I will start taking the pills tonight, I hope to get this dizzy sensation. I want to be absent... I don't want to 'feel' no longer or at least find peace in my head a bit.

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