The Internet Scribbled down on Saturday, 6 August 2005 12:03:56 PM
Originally posted on Wed, 03 August 2005 06:15:33 Mood: Not dead nor alive Listening to: nothing The Internet has become a real dull place to be. It doesn't differ much from the life I'm living. Pointless, boring, empty, useless, lonely. Mu. was trying to send a few smses to her sister who called a few minutes or so ago. I was lying in bed awaiting a sign but nothing happened. She thought I would be able to fix the website, to make it send messages to her sister as it wasn't working (she still doesn't know exactly how the net works and thinks we all can fix everything). This is how I am fixing it (not that I can), sitting, browsing the net randomly. Mainly looking for suicide websites, that can inspire me or 'help' in some way. I'm checking all my mailboxes too, just in case but nothing interesting. I got a mail from T. where she's telling me about her life and how she also received my package which made her happy. I'm glad she is. It sounds not so friendly.. I don't know... but no one else could make me as happy as he would and does. I was neglecting anyone and anything, as I considered someone else as more important. I am evil.. But at least I can admit it to myself, a bit more everyday. If there was something I wished a lot, then it was to have someone who was everything at once. All in one. So I guess, in some way I never really felt bad when a friend left me or lost contact with me. T. is somehow nice into expressing herself and she's as detailed as I'd be if I wasn't too scared that someone would not value what I feel. I hope I can reply to her soon, that is when I have my life back. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to have the stitches removed. I am not eager to go. I know it will hurt badly. The whole incident last week was a horror. D. was telling me that he shouldn't have done the surgery by himself but he did. I should have faith in him, right? He was more educated than I was. I hope it all would heal soon and I could wash my hair. I had hard times sleeping on the sore side... but nowadays I don't care. It's only itchying a lot. I have to try my utmost best to not scratch it with my long 'dangerous' nails. My nails were my weapon of choice, sort of. They always defended me, even against evil B. If he was trying to be sadistic again, I only needed to seek skin and put lots of pressure to have him release me. It comforted me when I was outside. Even sometimes I am so afraid of men, that I used to carry a dagger with me. Just in case. I'm not really taking care of myself either for obvious reasons. I messed up my eating pattern again. I'm sad.. I can't read anything for distraction, what makes me wonder why I borrowed the books from the library? I can impossibly sit still glaring at a few letters, concentrating on their meaning. All I was doing daily was waiting. Waiting patiently, and impatiently. There's really nothing interesting in my life. Sometimes I'd catch myself thinking really bad things. Like something crashing in this planet, so I'd finally be dead. Or aliens taking over the place.. anything. I only felt ashamed as I wouldn't wish anything bad on innocent children, only the adults... I had no mercy with them. Many were not good examples, cared about things that later disappeared, had regret and it was too late. Things would never get better in any form or way. At least, if I lived long enough to die around my 70's, still there'd be anger, disaster and grief everywhere. I held my tongue when wishing bad stuff to the world, as I was taught that whatever you wish upon someone, it would come back to you, or it would happen to someone you hold dear. That's something I'd never want to happen. So, I hope this place will blossom and many good things will come. Lots of enlightment and... yes, lights and stuff. Flowers, grass... air. Rainbows. Lots and lots of rainbows. One day we will all be happy, even I will be long time dead. Like countless of millenia. Still, let's pretend that this world is incredibly beautiful and humans are peaceful creatures. I was being manipulative... I had no other choice.

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