Untitled Scribbled down on Saturday, 20 August 2005 7:28:16 AM
I slept terrible. It's very hard to sleep comfortable. I can't remember when I went to bed, probably around 11 pm. My head feels slightly heavy and it will be more. I already told my mom that the weekend is a cleaning day. So no food. I'm also weighing 59.3kg now, sadly. I will make sure those numbers go down. I can, therefor I will. I am also starting to notice that I am slim. Some jeans don't longer fit me around the waist. Some of them don't or can't use belt, and I wear them like that, having to later constantly pull them up like some junkie. I act like a junkie and I bet I also look like one, when others see me. I told my mother yesterday that when my dad was here I would weigh 53kg. A psychologist or this schooldoctor/-nurse checked on all of us, especially the newcomers. She told me I was too tall to weigh so less. I never noticed I was slim. Even remembering an incident and I told my mother about it too. I would stand among a few classmates wearing a very tight sweater and underneath it a very wide jean that simply didn't sit on my waist despite the belt I'd use. You could visibly see the 'huge' pleat. I think they laughed at me and I just smiled back. I again thought this wasn't a big deal. No, I didn't own a fashion taste either. My mother bought a new phone and wants me to trade mine (originally hers, untill I got in touch with M.) with the new one. I would've liked to but M. only has the old number and it wouldn't be good to switch now. I'd rather hear of him first. As I was lying down in bed, rocking myself (I do that a lot to calm myself down), my mother took out my tarot cards to make me take a card out for him. I thought to myself that right is the side considered good, left usually isn't. I picked one from right even I didn't want to do a tarot reading at all but well, probably I had to. It was a card that only confirmed my thoughts. It's not that he no longer wants to talk to me, he simply couldn't. I hope he'd soon be able to. I don't really fancy my brother's girlfriend. I never fancied any of them as none are respectful, polite like me. This isn't arrogance. I always like others to have a good impression of me. I like to show I have manners and to be respected but none of my brother's girl know such words as reservedness. I don't want to go into details, it would be gossiping. Nor am I judgemental. Probably she's nice, but they aren't the type of girls I had as friend at school. They are those girls who'd give you a forced smile and later ramble on about the clothes you have on. School was a painful memory. I had a dream where I was at highschool, walking through large halls untill I was at the frontdoor, outside, about to go home. I said goodbye to a girl. I erased a part of this entry as I felt I didn't have the right to write about them. I am so tired and I miss M. heaps.

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