Untitled Scribbled down on Thursday, 18 August 2005 2:53:27 AM
Awhile ago I wasn't doing well, I'm doing better now. Crying my eyes out, is just a regular something I do daily. Just like having lunch or breakfast. I order a few stuff today and I got sad when someone reminded me of a mistake I made. I ordered something that would bring lots of damage to me, that is... if I ever get woken up by some idiot who thinks he's doing me a favor. I wasn't planning to do it at home. I'm going to stay in a little room somewhere, I have to make up something to be able to stay away for at least two days. If only M. was here. He wouldn't let me waste almost 85 euros with these things that I'm not even sure it would work. We were going to do something totally different. Though he already told me about it in details I wasn't sure I understood the whole preparation well. I always told him, I'd rather have him being around and doing it together. *sigh* Maybe I am lucky, and I will hear of him sooner or later. My brother's girlfriend will be here tomorrow. She will take 5 precious days of my already short life away from me which means I can't write any entries, or search more information (on hotels and other small things). I was going to cancel my order by ordering something else but I won't. The person -who I consider as a friend- convinced me it would not make any difference. I could do something to my brother today for stealing money out my purse. I know it was my mother who told him to. It angered me so much. I hate it when people look through my stuff. I can't have people evading my privacy what they did. When I'm angry, it's like a monster takes over me. You really don't want to see me angry... It's a strong emotion, it can be helpful (it makes me write) but also destructive as it makes me volatile and throwing stuff (that is as far as I can not control my anger, mostly I can). I got an auto response of the writer I wrote to. I copied it and mailed it to one of his assistant, I cut and paste her name as if I wrote the letter for her. I want some opinions... some possible thoughts. Sometimes I swear I hear my mobile making certain noises and I get so happy as I think it's M. who finally got able to speak to me and will comfort me and tell me that something happened but finally everything's right. He is ruining my life. The fact I know him and just clinged myself to him, won't make me let him go. I can't pretend I don't know him because I do. I feel played and betrayed. I sunbathed awhile... I have cold blood. I dreamt I burnt a stove, trying to cook this brown mudd, slymery stuff. August isn't a good month. Many weird things are happening. Constantly I heard about planes crashes. First in Greece or nearby. Later near Italy. Later in Venezuela. Now a boat sunk. What will happen next?

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