Hello there. I presume by looking at this, it means I have died, finally. I am glad this day has came. So here are a few questions I want to clarify, mainly why.
Why did I kill myself?
1. Food. Them life-wrecking monsters. And lately it has been consuming me and overwhelming me to the point that I cannot take it anymore. The self-loathing and my shitty sense of self and self image has finally taken its toll. Yet I do not feel validated, because I am just bloody disgustingly fat that I would be so ashamed to tell anyone. My life revolved around the MPA b/p thread and ASH. Anyway I didn’t even know there was such a term as an eating disorder back when it first started in early 2016. I refused to touch the topic of food with any of my helping professionals, because I feel like such a phony. Why am I so lousy in every aspect? Studies, looks, WEIGHT, the arts. I just simply disgust myself. Period. I am useless, fat, ugly, stupid and unbehaved. This pathetic waste of space needs to stop breathing and occupying space and simply cease existing.
2. I don’t belong anywhere in this world. I feel so out of place. Everything hurts. I just feel like I am born on the wrong planet.
3. The future is daunting. To go somewhere in life, I have to study and attend school regularly. But school is just not for me at the moment because it is so triggering and tiring because I feel like a zombie every bloody day. What can I do? With no future, no hope, I’ll just have to… die.
4. What is the whole point of this meaningless pursuit of happiness?
5. I don’t know what conditions I have but there are a whole shit bunch of things like hallucinations, intrusive thoughts and dissociation bothering me. IT’S GETTING TOO MUCH. WAY TOO MUCH.
6. I am so useless, I don't study, all I do is waste my parent's money. I doubt I can even support them if I grow up.
How did I kill myself?
I jumped from the sixth storey of my block. Why the sixth storey and not somewhere higher? Because I don’t want my body to be very mangled else it would be very traumatic for my family members who have to identify me.
Who am I?
My name is [redacted]