# じごくです

## Monday, July 6, 2015

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Those who loved me... or at least those I felt loved around... they aren't supposed to talk to me , and they are 'bad influences??? What sort of logic is this? My parents claim to love me, ok, I'm not them, I will never know what they truly think, maybe they do or maybe they don't , but it's a fact I don't exactly feel like someone worthy of living when I'm around them. All they do is remind me of how much of a burden I am to them, by saying things such as "Do you know how much it costs to raise you up, you ungrateful brat" or "If you want to die then go. Go ahead. Don't spread your crap throughout the family." Hey did I ask to be here? Did I? I did not, right??? Did I say, "Please will you bring me into this world?" You wanted me, you wanted a child, so you gave birth to me. Since you wanted me, you have to accept that you have to raise the kid, right??? Is it a very, very, unbelievably huge favor, that I, who have not had the chance to choose whether or not I lived, is now relying on you to live, because you want me to? Because I can't provide for myself yet? You say all this to me, and when I sought out others, who may not be as noble a saint as you, to comfort me and treat me the way I should be treated, like a child, and not be expected to shoulder the weight of everything upon myself, you say that they are the 'bad ones' and you are the ones whom I should talk to in times of need. If this is a joke, then it's a pretty bad one. You are the primary cause of the troubles and woes I have, the reason I even need to sought out other people to care in the first place. When you yelled at me, threw things at me, hit me, THEY were the people who sung to me, told me not to cry, and reminded me that no matter what, tomorrow the sun will rise. They were the people who held me, and genuinely made me feel that I'm not unwanted, and I'm loved, even if just for a moment. If you care, then SHOW it. Don't just say using your mouth that you care, I can't cut open your brain to see if that's really what you're thinking. If you don't actually give a damn, like what your actions and words portray, then stop insisting that you do because evidently you don't. May I ask when is one time you ever took me out and spent time alone with me, WILLINGLY, without me asking(not that I do often) in the past years? Have you even helped me washed anything before? Even when you cook dinner for me you have to make it sound like I owe you the universe. Yes I do. I mightn't be able to repay you, but if that's what you want maybe I can live solely for the purpose of repaying all the debts I owe, so that both parties can die in peace, I, knowing that I do not owe you a single fking thing, and you, knowing that you got back your money. If it's all about money, and the precious time in your life that you wasted on me, then it's pretty easy to settle. Now that I am old enough to realize I do have a choice over my life, whether or not to live, I would like to tell you that I do not owe you my life. Yes you might argue that my life is "given" by you and henceforth I shall cherish it, but do you even know the definition of 'give'??? To give means that something is no longer yours, and you have no control over it. It now belongs to whoever you have given it to. For example if you give a box of chocolates to your teacher and she doesn't like it and decides to throw it away, does it concern you? You have no say whatsoever on it, and no right to interfere with whatever she wants to do with that box of chocolates, because you GAVE it to her, its now HERS. Get it? Stop being ignorant fools. Stop it. Just stop. You can hit me all you want, I inflict enough pain on myself too, but can you please stop using words against me. It's brutal, and you're just destroying me. And you claim to love me? Nice joke.

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Written by : Dot at 10:12 PM