22 September 2015
There’s only three months left… 91 days more I have to live. Back then on 23 August 2014 when I promised Mira to live for 101 more weeks, on the condition that one week be deducted for each time I felt terrible enough that I really wanted to end it all, I haven’t thought that it would all fly by so fast. 23 December roughly equates to 69 weeks, meaning on 30 counts I had enough despair and compulsion to leave, held back only by the promise I knew I had to honor.
I ought to have been dead on 23 August, but I did not because Mira made me live for 101 more weeks. She had said that in the time I give myself, things might get better and I deserve the chance. Hence I agreed and I gave her my word, with my additional condition. However in all these weeks, nothing has improved. Things are still as bad and on occasions where I have terrible fights at home and traumatic episodes battling with my own mind, I know I can’t do it. I have given myself the chance so do not tell me that I did not consider other options.
It’s 9/22/2015 currently.
When I look at school, I see hope… I could have a future if only I lived. All the knowledge I had and the books at home, I feel so bad thinking of giving them away. This is the one single reason my determination to end the pain wavered so much. I will be in school… And things will be so bright, my world saturated with hope I can’t imagine.
But all this is deception.
The minute I step home all of the past comes back to haunt me, and I still have regular fights with my parents. It’s what they said, they clearly stated they want me dead. My mom said once if I wanted to die then go ahead and stop wreaking the atmosphere at home and trashing their family. My dad says that if I don’t get better in two years they will chase me out of home. And they keep threatening to send me to a Home and they do not respect my privacy at all.
Can’t they see it’s not my fault.
They say that by being who I am now I am bringing shame to them, and they don’t even want to talk about me being like this to others. It really isn’t anything to be ashamed about, I did not do anything wrong and while you are wishing I be rid of, I’m trying to save myself and you too.
If you said I go ahead and die if I want to, then do not grieve on the day of my death.
Be careful what you wish for, words do kill.
So… I’m granting you your wish… May I give you all my blessings and have a happy life as a lovely family, without me ruining everything.
I would say I love you. Maybe you do… I know you said you do. Everyone says that. Did you show it? Maybe you did. But I didn’t feel it.
I want to bury the past so deep my ghost can’t find it.
I love Mira. I love you, Jerry. Paul. Anupam. I love all of you. Ms Goh. Thank you for being there for me through these months and years, thank you for making it easier to keep to the promise I gave Mira.
True… if I live I might be able to envision the future I could have… But I will need to battle constantly with myself. Home. It’s a losing battle, unfortunately.
I will give anything to lift the burden of despair. Even if it costs my life.