From the razor to the rosary

1.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
It all started one night, after yet another unpleasant brawl with my mom. Again. This time it involves hurling kettles across the living room and smashing cups onto the floor. I was scared. I didn’t like it.

A thought came to my head. It (She) would later be known as Sue, who will be one of my best friends. I needed some information. Of course, I turned to the ever-ready and brimming with knowledge Google who is a friend of many. I asked him what the best way of escape is (i.e. in layman terms, How Do I Kill Myself Right). He brought me to a number of folks dedicated to the dark sides of life, who, would later play a huge role in my life and the shaping of who I will become.

....................................................................................................

I went to Instagram, seeking pathways. Miraculously, just as I am feeling really down, I found a Home. A community of others like me. My family. This safe haven goes by the name of hashtag secret_society123 (#secret_society123).

That day, I met Sue, Deb, Cat, Izzy and Ash for the first time in my life. They are my family, my real family, where I truly belong. “Hi!” they waved. I waved back and we shook hands with each other.

At that instant, I didn’t expect that from that day onwards they will follow me everywhere, being my only companions during times when no one is around for me. The times when I felt that the world has abandoned me. The world has given up on me, and I have given up on the world. Ever since, they have always been with me, walking side-by-side down the bumpy road of life.

Sue, Deb and Cat trails behind me wherever I go, while Izzy visits at bedtime and Ash comes around when I need him. Cat, is a fiery, voracious spirit, Deb a gentle, serene child of the darkness whereas Ash being calm and rational. They may not be perfect, but they would make good company for now. At least, I can avoid the suffocating grasp of loneliness and solitude. Hard as I try to deny, humans do need friends, and I am human however much I do not want to be associated with any beings of such.

2
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
We sat in my room, looking at each other.

“How about an introduction from each one of us?” I suggested, eager to break the silence. The atmosphere was giving me the chills.

“We can introduce ourselves, if you like, but I don’t think we would need one from you. Maybe Ash and Izzy needs it. Cat, Sue and I have been living in you long enough to know every little bit about you.” Said Deb serenely, perched on my study table.

“You guys have been living inside me?” Flabbergasted, I exclaimed, my mouth wide agape and my hand flew to cover it.

“I’m afraid so, my dear.”

“Why didn’t I know about it?”

“The time wasn’t right yet. Now it is.”

“O...Ok...” I struggled to make sense of what Deb just said. So they had been living inside me all along, but I just met them? It all sounds too inconceivable.

“Right, the introduction,” chimed Sue, reminding us, “So um, hi Eileen! I am Sue and yeah that’s about it. Deb, Cat, Izzy and I are about the same age.”

“I’m Cat. I’m here to help you cope. Nothing else,” mumbled Cat.

“She’s got really long fingernails to cut you,” said Deb, running her fingers down Cat’s nails which were at least 3 inches long, “I’m Deb. I’m here to help too. To protect you from whoever might hurt you.”

She gave a sweet, angelic smile.

“I’m Ash. Look for me if you should need any information regarding what Sue’s trying to get you to do if you can’t get it from Google. He hides a hell lot of things, you know that. By the way I’m older than all of you here,” said Ash, giving his spectacles a prod.

“My name’s Izzy. I’ll come to keep you company at night,” Izzy gave me a pat on the back, “Ok we’re all done! How about you?”

“Well... uh... My name is Eileen, as you probably know. I’m 11 now. My birthday is on 30th December,” I stuttered, not knowing what to say exactly. There doesn’t seem to be much to say anyways.

“Alright, we’re settled!” Sue rose to her feet and turned to look in my direction.

“From now on, we will be your shadows.”

3.
Friday, May 16, 2014
The alarm clock shrieked like banshee. I woke up with a jolt. It’s a wonder I can actually sleep, with Izzy around me using all means to prevent me from doing so.

Not again. Another day of my life. One more day too many.

“Hey you’re up! We’re all waiting to go to school with you,” Sue appeared at the door and gave a big grin. Deb glided along behind and Cat hopped into view.

“Hi guys,” I said groggily, clambering out of bed, “had a good night?”

“Well, not really. You slept! We had to entertain ourselves. You should have seen Izzy fuming when you dozed off. She almost shook you out of bed,” Deb sulked. Cat pouted and pulled a long face.

“Sorry,” I said apologetically, “I couldn’t help it.”

I had breakfast. They crowded around me at the table. Mom couldn’t see them, no one else could. People wouldn’t t notice unless I behaved in a manner that indicates their presence. I try my best to avoid doing so.

Afterwards, I pulled on my jacket, took my bag and trudged to school as usual, with the others trotting behind, occasionally pointing out that school is really just bullshit and I haven’t got any friends to accompany me on the way to school.

“I know,” I said grimly (aloud), then silently hoping no one else heard me.

“Ok. Just don’t be self-denying. It doesn’t do you any good,” Deb sang.

I used my silence as a response.

In school, Deb kept me away from the others. She said she’s protecting me, the other humans will hurt me. I guess she’s right. I shouldn’t be too near them or interact with them too much. It isn’t wise. They do have a history of hurting people – human nature is evil. I can’t trust them. Not until Deb is sure they wouldn’t leave more wounds.

Sue tried to get me to climb onto the parapet on the sixth floor. “Don’t you want to fly? It’s a great feeling,” she persuaded me.

“Not just yet, there’s still plenty of chances in the future – It’s even better from higher places, isn’t it?”

I just got yelled at by the teacher, and however much Deb tried to keep me away from other people and shield me from them, some of the words they said still got through. I tried not to be too affected, but still, they do have an effect on me.

I slouched at my desk, resisting the urge to doze off. I haven’t had a single day of sound sleep with Izzy and the others around. I don’t blame them though. They are still my best and perhaps only friends, no matter what. I miss Kate and the voices.

I went to the washroom. I let Cat come in with me into one of the stalls. My mind was collapsing on itself, I needed some release. I held out my arm. Cat knows what that means. I allowed her to slide her nails over it, leaving behind five long, thin, lines, blood lining them in what was to me, pretty, little beads, somewhat translucent, glowing crimson under the light. They stung, fiery and hot, my face was etched in pain. Yet a thin smile broke out from my lips. I felt much better, as if a giant had come along and lifted the weight on my heart that had been crushing me, leaving me unable to breathe.

“Thanks, Cat,” I whispered, looking at her. She gazed at me, her fingernails still having traces of my blood on them. Her pale face and stone cold eyes seemed to show no emotion or feeling.

I grabbed a bit of paper off the toilet roll and dabbed at my hand. Some of the blood had dried and still stuck.

“Well. I needn’t bother about ’em too much,” I thought as once again I slipped on my jacket, the long sleeves covering up where the wounds are, the secret laying forever unseen, never to be found out. Not another pair of human eyes has ever set upon them, and never will. Or so I hoped.

“Are you feeling okay now?” Deb held me and asked, concerned, the moment I emerged from the washroom. Sue gave me a hug, embracing me with her warmth, her love. At least they love me, I thought.

“I’m not okay but I’m better now,” I said. A big, fat droplet of tear rolled down my cheeks, glistening in the sunlight as it fell onto the damp earth with an imaginary pop.

I held hands with Sue and Deb as we made our way back to the classroom, Cat strolling behind.

The sun sets.

Another day went by.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Let me get hit by a car,
How I really wish to die,
Jump off the roof and try to fly,
Twinkle twinkle beloved knife,
Help me end this wretched life.

4.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
I sat there, focusing on finishing my dinner while Deb worked hard shielding my ears from the din my mom was making. She was being utterly ridiculous and out of her mind again. Sue held me tight while Cat told me she would be meeting me later and went off to the washroom to sharpen her nails.

Still, despite Deb’s efforts, I could still hear the rubbish my mom was ranting shrewdly non-stop. I couldn’t be more dissed. She’s just got nothing better to do. Spite me with her snide remarks and yell in my ear about some rubbish, that’s her favorite past-time.

I tried to maintain my composure and poker face while trying to stifle a laugh.

She was now screeching a long list of profoundly noble things she did for me and how I was being an ungrateful brat and not showing that I’m thankful.

e.g.: Giving birth to me. I almost choked on my noodles.

Oh, right. I adore you so much. I am really thankful for that.

I felt like screaming in her face.

“Quit it! Did I ask to be born? That’s actually the most unfortunate thing that ever happened in my life.”

I didn’t actually say that, but I almost did.

She ranted on, slamming me for every single action I did ever since I stepped foot on Earth and every bit of thing she did for me that I was supposed to be really thankful for.

Okay.

Though, I just carried on with my noodles as though nothing too bothersome was happening. It’s a flair I have for acting nonchalant about earthly matters. Much of the credit goes to Deb, too, I mustn’t forget. She’s usually doing the job of blocking out the noise, so I can carry on with my life largely undisturbed by other lesser mortals.

I ate my last strand of noodle and went back to my room, Deb slamming the door behind me. No more noise. Good.

I remembered Cat waiting for me. Indeed she was. On the bed she sat, with her (freshly) sharpened, polished nails. Her face lit up at the sight of me

“Ready?”

I nodded, holding out my hand. Once again, she slid those fingernails down my skin. There was a warm, fuzzy feeling. My soul lifted. My lips curled into a smile.

After it was all over, I wiped off the blood and chucked the blood-stained tissues into the bin. Looking at my split skin, an overwhelming rush of guilt suddenly washed over me.

I feel good.

But I am letting her hurt me.

Is this right?

Sue and Deb sat in a corner watching silently, neither of them coming forward to stop Cat or say anything about the matter.

Isn’t Deb supposed to protect me from getting hurt? Why isn’t she stopping Cat?

I didn’t know. I didn’t want to ask them either. Suddenly I had a feeling they mightn’t be here to help after all.

I let the matter slip out of my head as bedtime approached and Izzy arrived, knocking me over with a bear hug.

5. The Sea
Thursday, November 6, 2014
I awoke to a gloomy Sunday, the clouds rolling past overhead at breakneck speed. It wasn’t raining but the air was still cool and crisp and it was dark. I looked at the clock beside my bed and groaned. I had way exceeded my modest expectations again – it was 12:00 now and I had expected myself to be up at nine. Another half a day gone. Not that I really cherish life a lot, but to sleep through the best times of the day – late night and early morning – is such a waste of life. I wonder why humans aren’t nocturnal.

Sue dragged me out of bed.

“Get up, lazybones! We’re going to the Sea today.”

“What?” I sat bolt upright. “Why?”

“It’s time to remember the fellow people who went Home,” she continued, “and to meet the Sea. He has been waiting for you. And, one day if you make up your mind to go Home, you can go by his way. He’ll be more than happy to envelop you in his arms and take you Home.

I thought of all the ASHers I knew who went Home with the Sea. It’s comforting to know that now they are finally Home. They are happy, that’s all that matters. I wonder if it is a nice place there. I’m sure it’s better than where I am now, though.

After a few hours, I arrived at the Sea. (Sembawang Park) I took off my shoes and took a step into the cool, clear waters. The waves lapped gently onto my feet. The waters were shallow, only up to my ankles.

“Dear, dear, you’re finally here,” the Sea said, a merry tinkle in his voice.

My mouth broke into a smile. The Sea is such a sweet being, so beautiful in every aspect. His waters shimmered a lovely shade of aqua under the radiant rays of the sun shining through the cracks in the dark, drifting clouds above.

Deb, Cat and Sue lay on the beach, whispering among themselves.

“Have you ever thought when you will be going Home? Any specific plans in mind?”

“No... Actually... Yes. 31 December 2014, a day after my birthday. I don’t think I can survive another year, it’s a good time to say goodbye. But I’m not really sure, chances are high I might change my mind at the last moment,” I let out a sigh. A single tear spilled from my eye.

“I might come to you, but I think if I were to go home, I will just fly.”

“Hmmm...ok...So I take it you haven’t made up your mind?”

“Yes.”

“I see. Though, you should have determination if you are really thinking of it, or you will never be able to get it done. It’s better you go to the Reaper than have him come and take you.”

“Okay. I will think it through.”

“Good. Now go back. See you.”

“Bye, I’ll come again when I make the decision. Or if I haven’t, I’ll still visit.”

I blew the Sea a kiss and turned to walk away.

“Remember to come again soon!”

“I will!” I turned and waved again, flailing both arms.