"...so, was he ok?" one girl
asks.
"yeah, he was fine," the
other responds.
the dirty, beige carpet
abruptly ends, giving way to polyurethane tile which is momentarily stained
with mud, water, and smeared food. continue walking. the two
girls come into view. they are attractive, resembling nothing and
everything. their makeup is smeared slightly, obscuring certain aspects
of the face, distorting others to odd degrees. they seem primal in
appearance and demeanor, yet are considered highly socialized creatures
of the "modern age."
"sheila!" the first suddenly
exclaims, "i am so tired and still a little bit wasted."
sheila, apparently
not as hung-over, offers the other girl a shoulder with which to support
herself. the situation is very comical, since the girl in need of
assistance is about six feet tall, while sheila is five-foot-seven.
the two slumped together resemble some sort of odd renaissance-humanism
sculpture.
faint bells can be
heard overhead, indicating that the elevator has arrived on the floor above
me. shortly, the aluminum plated doors siltenly slide open, revealing
nothing. sometimes it's a let down when nothing is on the elevator.
not even people, but food, discarded mail, empty beer cans. all of
them emit some sort of personality or mystery that is instantaneously created
in my mind the minute i notice such objects. today, there is a complete
absence of any inorganic elevator material. no people or garbage
"memorials" of people.
walk into the elevator.
shoes make no sound. i make no sound. do the two girls even notice
me? i do not exist. sheila and her friend walk into the elevator
as well.
suddenly, sheila's
boyfriend, i think, shouts "wait!" and slowly walks to her and offers a
purse, which i assume is sheila's. her boyfriend is near naked, wearing
only plaid boxer shorts. grogginess and drunken wonder still governing
his every response.
"thanks, dear," she
casually says, as if losing her purse is a nonchalant affair. the
boyfriend drifts back to a room down the hall, a vaporous apparition of
alcohol fumes.
my mind is perplexed
by such beings-what are they, what do they do, why are they existing?
certianly, the two girls are people, or are they? do they think on
their own, or does the mind-controlling inner-atmosphere of alcohol and
social consciousness control their actions?
the elevator door
closes. silence has somehow managed to follow me in. i look
at the ceiling, shiny, aluminum plated elevator buttons. lights originally
illuminated the buttons when they were pressed. now there is no light
at all. my gaze changes from the buttons to the floor. trying
to avoid eye contact if at all possible.
i wonder if it becomes
obvious. which makes my nervousness increase all the more.
does it matter that i do not want them to be there? that i was hoping
to ride the elevator down alone? no, it doesn't. they are already
there. the potential experience is ruined, and shall never be the
same.
after a few seconds,
the elevator stalls, then starts again, reaching the first floor in a matter
of seconds. i quickly rush out of the elevator. rubber soles
scuffing against linoleum floor. step, lift, lower, repeat.
step, lift, lower, repeat. it all seems so pointless, so mundanely
useless, ultimately futile. in the end, i just go back from where
i came. i hear sheila and her anonymous friend slowly drift out,
their excessively long jeans swishing back and forth. back and forth.
going back from where they came. i hope they trip, i think, angry
at their vacuousness and inopportune arrival in the elevator which i had
hoped to ride alone.
i walk past the front
desk, the faded, waxed fake marble floor tile looks like mashed avocadoes
mixed with mud. i can't help but think about things, i just think.
i think, therefore i can't help it. i wonder if sheila and her friend
think about anything while they walk. what is their reason for existence,
do they even warrant one? do they even think about why they get out
of their large and comfortable beds in the morning, or the afternoon, whatever
the case may be. most likely not. not even i can justify my
life, my reason for living, and i think about it quite a bit. not
even the president of the largest country on this fetid planet has a reason
for existing. there will always be at least one member of the human
population who can govern equally as well as he can. maybe that person
can rule even better, the world may never know. right now everything
begins to anger me. the front desk looks plastic even though it is
some form of fabricated wood. chairs in the lobby are old, worn,
and burned-out orange color. it would be better if there were no
chairs at all. the fireplace that is never on fire, never producing
heat, never justifying its existance, just like sheila and her friend.
all these relatively mundane things are slowly infiltrating my brain, the
annoyance and anger become an infection that, while able to be controlled,
still rages throughout my head.
suddenly, i am disrupted
from the internal dischord. i have stumbled upon the entrance to
the cafeteria and must now present identification and debit my meal card
to proceed farther. realizing that i do not even have the card in
my hand, i quickly grab for my wallet in my pocket and remove the plastic
rounded rectangle from the top upper fold in my worn wallet. the
card has a specific spot: if i must have a specific spot in this
obscene "society," then the least my card with computer-digitized photo
identification can do is have a specific spot as well. i wonder if
society ever tries to justify it's existence. most likely not.
it has always existed, therefore it has every right to continue to exist.
it exists, therefore it exists. i question it's right to exist.
i present my plastic card, with the badly pixelated image of my face on
it, to the worker guarding the cafeteria, who looks at it seemingly with
disgust, takes my identification number down on a piece of paper, and lets
me pass. the cafeteria is a testament to why things should not exist.
the chalky, plasterboard ceiling along with the vomitous orange-green crush-resistant
carpet encompass every inch, every angle conceivable in the area.
i walk into the line which is waiting to obtain a pink plastic serving
tray and aluminum silverware. the line coils around to the area where
servants ladle out heated food items. those that are cold are able
to be procured by on their own, without any assistance form servants.
like an odd, multicolored snake of designer fabric and brand names, the
line slithers forward slowly, and eventually i recieve a pink plastic tray
and a set of silverware and leave the line. i walk past both the
hot and cold lines of food. what they serve is unnecessary.
one does not need to be served large, unhealthy doses of eggs, meat, and
potato products. of course, no one realizes this fact and i remain
silent, as always. i manuever between the lines, and make my way
to the cereal dispensation area. i think to myself, this one bowl
of grain and sugared frosting contains more nutrients than whatever they
are serving in the typical lines. i am the only person in the cereal
line. there is no line. it is just me. i pour defatted
milk into the bowl and sit down at a nearby table. the tables are
made out of fiberboard, coated with white plastic, and this particular
one extends far to my right. i am sitting in the leftmost corner.
i begin feeding myself the mixture of sugar coated baked oats and artificially
colored marshmallows. i wonder that since i've eaten so many artificially
colored things, if my internal organs have since become artificially colored.
out of the corner
of my eye, i notice a girl sit down two chairs away from me, at the same
table. i stare at this intrusion out of the coner of my eye.
soon, two more girls sit down on the opposite side of the fiberboard table.
i stare at these three intrusions out of the corner of my eye for some
time. i am baffled. why so close to me? the table is
much longer and would easily support them at the other end, and yet they
picked to sit two chairs away from me and disrupt my peace, my solitude,
my eating of cereal. of course, they are not aware of this fact,
and i cannot blame them for interrupting my morning ingestion. yet
i do blame them, and i scorn them in my mind. after a while, i turn
my attention back to my cereal. the bowl is made from clear plastic,
which has become chipped and scarred with age. i wonder what else
has been put into this bowl, how many pieces of cereal it has held.
probably more than i want to know. my cereal has begun to dissolve
into the milk, enzymes slowly breaking the sugary morsels down into a paste.
the milk in time, would take over my stomach's job of digestion.
however, i quickly eat the remaining pieces, stand up, and put my tray
on the conveyor belt, all with the grace of an insect on amphetemines.
the conveyor belt leads to a behind-the-scenes worker who empties the plate,
silverware, and glasses of leftover food that a third world country would
gladly accept. the plates are then splashed with boiling water and
detergent to sterilize any germs or poisons. then the plates are
put back into circulation for others to use.
i quickly walk out
of the cafeteria, standing up straight, not looking at the front desk,
dilapidated chairs, or non-warming fireplace. i reach the elevator
lobby, and press the button to ascend upstairs. twenty seconds later,
the elevator arrives silently. no one else is around to enter the
elevator with me. waves of relief wash over me and an internal sigh
comes forth. the ride upward takes no more than seven seconds, and
the doors of the elevator open with a ring annoucning my arrival.
i walk out of the elevator, down the hall, and turn right. i walk
down another hall. i imagine that i have walked a path due to performing
these same activities daily. the vending machine still whirs loudly,
the electric cooling system in need of repair. it will never be repaired.
the hall leads to my room, the last door on the left. i insert the
key into the lock, turn the door handle, and walk into my room.
it has been twenty
minutes since i decided to eat this morning. i have come full circle;
i am now back in my room, sitting in front of the computer where i made
the initial decision. staring at me, in the glass of the monitor,
is my distorted, ghostly face. i blink, it blinks. is this
the antimatter me? what i would resemble if i lived inside the computer's
world? no, it is merely a refraction of light rays from the convex
surface of the glass and my reflection. it is nothing special, an
everyday affair, i have seen it happen dozens of times before. however,
inside the pupil of my right eye, the cursor to a text editing program
blinks on, then off, on, off, slowly, on, off. it vanishes, then
resurfaces, appearing and reappearing in the same spot hundreds of times
a minute. it leaves, but it never leaves. everything it does
is completely the same, predictable thing. totally mundane and noticeably
automatic. my right pupil appears, then disappears, along with the
cursor. i think to myself, i am that cursor. the cursor is
me. i turn off the monitor. the cursor, along with the rest
of the screen, dissolves into oblivion.