currently

i'm a student going to a university amidst fields of other students who are more intelligent, friendly, better looking, and well-rounded than me. i live in an apartment complex that's more of a morgue in both smell and general ambiance than anything else. at one point i wrote this, "I enjoy myself: I accept and like who I have become." what a laugh. i used to capitalize my 'i's,' not anymore. someone once asked me what i do for fun. i don't really have a whole lot of fun, i then realized. i read, i listen to music or collect records or both. i write, i program/code, when i'm momentarily happy i jump around like an idiot or an uptight businessman-robot depending on how you see it. so, i don't have fun. what do i do? waste lots of time doing homework, studying, or daydreaming while trying to do either of the former. i am a loner and i lack the conversational skills that even a four year old has acquired. in the future i don't know what will happen, it's impossible to predict, i hope. i have plenty of dreams but not enough potential or spine to fulfill them. and even if i did they might not be that plausible anyway. the most likely one is that i'll become a hermit recluse programmer for some corporation, wasting my time away on what i consider a life; namely reading, listening to music, collecting records, writing, coding, and acting like an idiot. it's not a life. it's a waste of one. that's me.

adolescence

if high school was the start of adolescence, mine was fraught with a more-than-usual share of humiliation, rejection, and defeat. i was that kid who you always saw moping around in the hallways. i was smarter then, or at least amongst stupider people. i had more self-esteem then. when i was 14 i started listening to music. originally i questioned the point of music, but this was due to only hearing my sister's pop bands. lately, i've been questioning music again. that's another tangent, though. the first album i had a copy of was Tom Petty's Wildflowers. i started getting into other genres like grunge and industrial. eventually from industrial i made my way to electronic music. my first pure electronic album, Aphex Twin's ...I Care Because You Do destroyed my conceptions of music and challenged me to begin envisioning why music was so personal, even without words. high school was quite depressing overall, and a sign of things to come later in my life. i made a few friends in high school and i rediscovered literature and music. that was probably the only good things that happened. everything else always ended up with me getting my feelings built up, then crashed into the ground. at least with what i discovered, my feelings just kept going further into the nether regions of emotional space.

childhood

i grew up in suburban america. suburban america is theoretically supposed to raise bright, strong, happy children. not me. i got turned around somewhere. i was an odd child from the start. home movies capture me sitting indoors staring silently outside through thick glass panes, instead of being outdoors where the rest of the family was. i suppose i have been an isolationist from birth, then. who really knows why i sat alone indoors obviously not having that much fun? i certainly cannot recall anymore. i went to a staunchly Roman Catholic parochial school for eight years, which warped many of my already ill-conditioned senses, feelings, and actions into "non-normal" responses to common stimuli. i do not think i shall ever fully recover, though i sometimes try, and fail, sending me further into a spiral of unhappiness and rejection.

infancy

born amongst well-to-do parents (father being a lawyer, mother a teacher), i slowly developed into pseudo-consciousness in the quasi-affluent northwest suburbs of Chicago, Illinois, USA. i do not recall much of being young; all I know of my past is documented on a few rolls of 8 mm film home movies. i don't like to watch those home movies....who or what was i in those early days? how did i feel, what did i think? why did i perform such embarrassing acts? was i born with the secrets of life, but then forgot them with age? i shall never know, and i shall never be able to recapture those lost, innocent days.

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