if i never make an impression on anyone, i don't have to worry about anyone or their impression of me.  it seems easier to deal with everything in this way, not worrying about people, expectations, and preconceptions is simply one less thing that has to occupy my already troubled and complex thoughts.  if part of my personal well-being is the inverse of paying attention to people, though, why do i bother to do it so much?  the fact remains that as much as i would like to ignore everything around me, including interpersonal beliefs, thoughts, suggestions, references, comments, and rejections, i cannot.  as much as i'd like to be a complete social outcast, lock myself in my room, and give a big middle finger to the world, there's always that part that wants to be accepted, that wants to feel adequate to belong to the world.  yet, i'm quite aware of the fact that i'm not and that i should just leave and return to the bitterness and depression which i have come to inhabit from years of rejection after rejection.  as i will. self expression is a way to let other people know how you feel, and i do not self-express at all.  most people who know me either say that i always looked angry or depressed.  i guess they're right, i usually don't feel any other way besides apathetic, and i don't think apathy has a general demeanor to the body or facial expression.  so in my lack of self-expression, no one knows how i feel, and from my lack of making an impression, no one knows who or what i am.  therefore, i am a complete unknown to the world and everyone in it.  i am static, i fade in when someone bumps into me or i get in someone's way and they tell me to move, or i say something stupid in public, and i fade right out again after the whole incident is over and everyone's had their fun with my temporary existence. i never get any email about my site anymore.  not that i used to get alot, but one email from a never-before-heard-from-person per month or so was...nice...at least i knew someone had looked at what i had created.  now i get nothing.  it's possible it's because i only mention my email on this new layout in my biography section, which requires people to read something instead of just browsing...then again, that might just be wishful thinking no one knows anyone, even if they have been living with the same person for years and think they know that person's every thought or motivation, the one assuming anything like that is a complete fool.  how can you ever be certain what's going on in someone's mind?  to think you know is simple naivete and possibly egotism.  every situation may reveal a different stimulus, and you'll never know what to expect.  it's all a big guessing game.