It's been a day since I arrived back at university.  I live in a medium sized apartment building, with a view of graduate student dorms and trees which are probably as old as three of my lifespans combined.  Yesterday involved the normal sort of things: unpacking, setting up, getting annoyed with parents, bookshopping...  Afterwards Tim, Tony, and I went out into the night, in order to return to the video store after a near four month absence.  It's odd, nothing has really changed in that amount of time.  The buildings are here, the fraternities are here (and noisy as ever), and my complete sense of loss is here as well.  Walking around last night, I wasn't sure of what to do or why I was here.  I'm not really anxious to begin school again; I have a large fear of failure, or perhaps not really failure, but fear of not understanding things, which perhaps is worse than failing outright.  You can always at least know the material but have the test be incredibly hard, or you can walk into that test with a complete sense of bewilderment and fail outright.  I don't want either of those two situations. When i first came back from winter break last year, I wasn't quite ecstatic, but I was happy to be back.  It's funny, I can't really remember the reasons why.  Was I tired of my parents?  Did I want to beat Tony in Streetfighter 2?  Did I just want the ethernet access instead of dial-up?  Did I want my temporary job at Crown Books to end because I was tired of it?  I can't remember.  Maybe it was all of them.  I don't really know what my reasons were for coming back here again this time.  I know I was getting tired of my parents, I know I was getting tired of my internship, I know I wanted to live alone again.  I guess this seemed like the logical escape from all that.  And it is, at least while school has not started yet.  Today is Monday.  School begins on Wednesday.  I think having a job is better than school.  If you only give up eight hours of your day to a job, school takes up much more though homework and studying (for me), and is always haunting (at least my) thoughts.  I think after the eight hour day, my job only haunted my thoughts twice at the beginning, when I didn't know quite what I was doing.  I'm going to despise school, I think. Walking around the campus this morning, I kept thinking "So many people who may be interesting, but I have nothing to say to them..."  That's the way it always goes, I guess.  I don't even recall how I really made any of the friends I have now.  I don't remember how we met, what was said, how we decided to meet again.  Sometimes, I wish someone would hit me with their bike when I am walking, because at least that might start a conversation about something... In the quad this morning, the communist organization on campus was setting up a table to pass out flyers/brochures.  I wanted to get into an argument with the people who were setting up, because I don't really believe in any form of government except a sort of existentialist self-governance.  Where each person is responsible for his/her own actions, be said actions good or bad.  Of course, this requires each person having a defined sense of their own personal morality, and everyone accepting these diverse forms of morality.  Also, there needs to be a justice system intact, because if someone's OK with murdering someone as their personal morality, then they should be arrested to prevent this.  Ceasing the freedom of another person is wrong in this sort of self-governance.  Yeah, it's all silly idealism.  Maybe everyone should be arrested and thrown into separate giant prison cells, preventing interaction between everyone.  The last person has to lock himself in their cell, then throw the keys away, everyone is stuck.  Maybe one day someone will be able to get free, and that person deserves freedom because they had the desire and ingenuity to achieve it. It's been nearly a year since i started keeping this log.  Sometimes i have to wonder how long it will continue and when my desire to write such things will simply fade.