Earlier today i was driving, sitting in my car, waiting to get off the turnpike and exit the expressway to work, everything still, static, and silent except for Duncan Sheik's "Varying Degress of Con-Artistry" playing from the speakers.  All of a sudden, dozens of speeding cars fly past my windows like so many colorful wild birds, if I was in a rainforest.  It was interesting and beautiful in a weird modern mechanical sort of way.  A flood of motors, pistons, and sheet metal birds.  One the way to work, I saw layers of gray clouds with stripes of blue sky in between each layer.  I wish I had a camera handy to take a picture of it.  Lately, I've been interested in cloud formation, movement, and their general appearance.  I wonder why. My worst fear in the world right now is becoming vacant.  Sometimes, I read what I say from prior moments, and I feel repulsed by it, angered at such seemingly simplistic language.  Also, I notice such vapid patterns in my speech when I pay close attention to what I am saying.  I do not feel vacant like some model on Xanax, but who knows, one day it might happen.  This is what I fear. Right now, I miss college life.  Not the academic part of it, but the lifestyle.  I miss the pseudo-spontenaity, the total independence and near total freedom, the possible possibilities, the buildings, the feelings, the walking, the smells and sounds.  I miss late night talks about nothing with my suitemate.  I miss my ex-suitemate for that matter.  You live with a person for nearly a year, one who is somewhat similar and interesting to you, and you become attached.  Though at some points I truly hated that first year, upon retrospection, it was very nice and a wonderful experience that I'll try to recapture but always fail in doing so.  I am thinking it will be like freshman year of highschool for that matter.  Although I hated freshman year, within it I had possibly some of the best times of my life, alone in my room on nights just listening to music and thinking. Everything seemed to make more sense or at least made sense while there.  Granted, some things seemed insane and still do, but you expected them, or at least accepted their existence.  And part of that insane existence of those things became a part of you.  Now they're all gone, and waiting for another incoming, highly disillusioned freshman to experience, and I am left in the cold, searching for something new which I have no idea what it is.