This house smells of something baking or cooking.  I do not want this, I want no smell at all this moment.  I want the house to be surgically non-smell in fact.  Listening to Autechre's "vletrmx21" trying to erase the disastrous anxiety, confusion, and anger the workday brought.  I felt very low, very uncaring, somewhat close to the bottom, a few meters off perhaps.  I didn't want to feel it in that situation, though.  I want to feel it on my own terms, not theirs.  I hate work.  The fact that managers cannot make up their minds is wholly unsatisfactory, and when they tell me to add something, change something, do something more that wasn't originally intended, they don't realize how difficult it is to accept it.  It's like winning a war with no casualties, then having your own president drop a hydrogen bomb on the army.  I want to plead with them, ask them to say 'nevermind, don't worry about it.'  Either that or I just want to go back to my stupid cubicle, break my slow, infernally damned laptop, then sulk uncontrollably in my chair.  If i did this for an actual living, I'd go insane. My mentor/manager does not know me, nor does he care to.  I learned this today when he asked me "how's life?"  I responded that "life is life."  He told me not to get stressed out about this project (apparently he can read me well...) and relax at home.  He said to enjoy life and then pointed to a picture of his four year old (i think, i'm guessing) and said "that's what I go home for at 5 everyday."  I didn't know quite what to do at that point.  I just smiled and nodded.  I'm glad that he likes his kid, or at least happier than if he didn't I suppose.  But I'm not sure of the indications of our "chat."  It was more ominous sounding than I put it.  I'm terrible at recounting conversations and the like.  It's good that my manager does not know who I am, or care to know.  He would not like me at all then.  He is much to happy and relatively free of responsibility in his cushy mid-management job, secure in the work world, to want to associate with such a depressing, oddball cynicist as myself.