i had been getting quite a few hits on my page recently for some reason...now the hits are slowly decreasing daily...it feels like the site is charly from the story flowers for algernon...after initially hitting it big, my decline was steady and relatively fast.  i was watching porn...it's so bizarre...i wonder why i do.  there was this girl that i thought was...pretty...it was weird seeing her getting...done...by some random guy...because it was like seeing someone you had a crush on having sex with someone else...kinda lousy feeling.  seeing her get...done...was, oddly, so silly...it looked so bizarre.  her giving a blow job was even worse.  i don't understand why i watch porn when all it does is make me depressed...  listening to ambient sounds of the first ambient disc of jochem paap.  the song has these little chimes that tinker over it, with a backdrop of haunting melodies.  perfect soundtrack for nighttime, i suppose.  and for the relatively somber mood i'm in as well.  i got alot of music and other things in the mail today.  getting boxes in the mail always makes me feel good for a while, especially when i open them to see what is inside.  this seems to be a universal trend, i think...and it makes me wonder why people are like this, so happy to get stuff in the mail, even if we order it for ourselves.  sure, it makes us feel like we're important, that someone is sending us junk in the mail, but it's junk that i payed to receive...how important and needed does that make you feel when you think about it?  not very.