recently, the counter at the beginning of my page has been increasing at an alarming rate.  i think i figured it out--the counter place where i grabbed to code for the counter from has become broken or something.  that's the only way i can explain it.  because i used to get daily emails from them, and i have not gotten one since the hits started skyrocketing.  i think they are broken.  i carry a calculator around to every class i go to for some odd reason.  i don't even use a calculator in any of my classes.  in calculus, we are not allowed to use them...i think the math department here is generally afraid of them.  physics is the only class i ever use it in, and i only use the calculator in lab and discussion anyway, which is one half of my physics attendance...i'm saying this because right now, when i need a calculator, i have no access to one.  it's in my backpack, on the other side of the room.  and i'm too lazy to bother getting up.  bah.  music is amazing.  it can still have a powerful effect on me after all these years.  i'm listening to song 4 off the fly pan am cd, and the guitar chord they're playing is so simple, yet it touches me like i'm looking outside some car window as it flies down any perpetual road in the autumn months.  odd how it can conjure both memory and new images at once.  i love music.  tonight is one night i feel like crying.  i knew it would come back sometime.  my melancholia, depression, anxiety, whatever you want to call it.  i was in my room, looking around this afternoon, glancing at the walls, and i suddenly, my mind collapsed.  i don't know why...it just fell apart...i think it's because i'm having university anxiety over grades, inconsequential stuff like that, i guess.  but it made me start thinking of my possible future failures, and past failures, and went on from there.  i had to go to calculus tutoring session to get help on a problem tonight, and i felt like i needed to bring my discman with me just in order to make it there for some reason.  the evening was gray.  there is construction everywhere outside.  the music was difficult to hear because i didn't want to turn the volume too high and hurt my ears.  there are so many questions i can't answer.  i don't have answers anymore.  i'm insecure.