when i get out of this hellhole called college, i am going to be very happy and very depressed.  i will have a job, and i will go to that job.  i will live alone.  intentionally.  i will listen to "depressing" music very often and very loudly, possibly into the late hours of the morning.  i most likely will not leave my dwelling very often, as it will be made to suit my preferred reclusiveness.  i cannot wait, i have to get out of here.  i want to have the ability to make myself dinner with only the thought of what later to do in the evening, not worrying about that exam that i didn't do quite as well as i should have on.  i won't worry about bills that much, because my profession pays well.  i already have an internship which pays more than my mother makes, and she's been a teacher for nearly thirty years.  i had plans for my house ever since i was fourteen or so.  they changed yearly, each year they became less extreme.  originally, i wanted some odd castle/tower that looked very "alien" to say the least.  then it devloved into an oddly geometric house made from laminated steel.  last year it was more of a modernized loft with exposed plumbing/wiring.  this year i haven't made any new plans at all, except i know that i want a balcony i can go out onto and listen to music whilst looking outside maybe at a pine forest covered in snow or something.  i heard some boy say to some girl "classes are over, i'm going to get drunk."  this is at two pm.  i hate that person, and i hate that girl.  they are idiots.  i have been inside their minds, and now know that there is nothing special about them.  their existance is empty and relatively pointless.  you cannot enjoy anything when you are drunk.  i used to wonder if maybe that the drunk frat parties actually held the key to happiness, even if it seemed so shallow.  well, they don't, i've found.  it is very easy for anything to be amusing when intoxicated.  you have no sense of anything, and the fact that people tend to enjoy that lack of deduction disgusts me.  i haven't been this angry in some time.  it stems from disappointment, frustration, and self-disgust that have built up steadily over the course of the week.  pent up energy, flowing through my arms and legs makes me feel invincible, and yet i remember where all these problems have risen from, and i realize that i am ultimately frail and pathetic in every meaning of the word.  making my anger rise all the more, until the flame dies and i fall to a pile of ashes. late tonight, i went out walking around the campus.  i originally wanted to sit by a fountain and listen to the water and just think, but there were people around each of the fountains here on campus.  figures.  so i decided to walk around the parts of the campus that i always figured i'd walk around with someone else.  it was nice, the weather was warm, and the places were interesting.  i ended up sitting on the steps of gregory hall, on a side of the building where i couldn't hear people passing by, and i couldn't be seen, because i wanted to be alone.  you'd be surprised at how many people are out at night.  on the way home, i saw things i did not need to see.  ever.  listening to elliott smith's new album.  "everything means nothing to me" is the song, one of the few that is actually good off of it.  it's been a long while since i cried, and i won't tonight either, though i could.  actually, i don't think i can anymore.