i realized this afternoon while walking back from classes that i don't make eye contact with anybody if possible.  if i am talking to a professor or some other random person, i try to stare into their eyes, make them go into submission, make them feel nervous for once instead of me.  however, when i'm walking through random people in halls or if i'm in class, i try to avoid the gaze of anyone.  all possible medusa heads, turning me into stone if they notice my gaze. i refuse to look at people.  sometiems i wonder how many people see me walking around this campus and have seen my webpage...they would never know me in public, and that is how i want it.  i used to think i wanted to be an internet celebrity, but now i am unsure.  there was a point when people emailed me a bit, and i didn't respond to any of them...i just don't have anything to say to people anymore, other than to leave me a message, and if i feel inspired, maybe you'll get one back.  the first five songs off of this nine inch nails album, 'pretty hate machine' are the soundtrack to my life, or at least parts of it.  odd, it's been that way since i bought it back in highschool.  i've met random people online, but they all leave at some point...i wonder what the reason is at times, sometimes i think i cause it myself...i get tired of people pretty easily, and i really don't know why.  right now i am very apathtetic in my communications to anyone, and i have no idea when i will come back from my pit of non care to the surface of desiring contact.  it fades in and out, and unfortunately, this ruins any sort of social appetite i have, because i hate letting people down when i've met them or known them.  i'm a perfectionist in one too many ways.  it's just better not to get involved with anything or anyone, holden caufield was right.