i do well, and all is right with the world. i make an error, and i want to kill myself. thematically, it's kind of pathetic and cliche but very catchy at the same time. well, you want to know what did it this time? well, past, present, and future all contribute to my general feeling of misery at the moment. yesterday, i took a geology exam. the course was taken to be my "blow off course," you know, the one that does not require much effort to do well in. easy concepts, easy exams, easy good grade which uplifts your "spirits." after working through the practice exam, i was convinced of my unalienable good marks, and went into the exam thinking of informing my parents i did well for once (you remember earlier posts where the obvious desire to please/impress my parents/peers comes up as a motivating issue in my life). coincidentally, i have found out my parents do not really care anymore. case in point, i told them i received a 'B' on a physics exam (my previous exam scores were all well within the 'D' range), and they reacted with the same sort of apathy i would have expected myself to react to such information. diseheartening? i suppose so. to me it was/is. upon arriving to the exam station (a large auditorium with a group of bored, sexually frustrated, empty males and annoyingly trendy, vapid females) i was somehow able to sense things were not going to go well. of course, my sixth sense of being able to foretell emotionally draining events was right. the exam was much difficult than anticipated (for me at least). questions ranged from "if you walked 20 meters along a line of longitude, did you go N/S or E/W?" and "a light year is the distance light travels in one year." shameful as it is, i admit i could not tell the difference between latitude or longitude at the time. i still am not sure about answer to the the light-year question. so, that was failure number one. next week i have in store for myself a computer architecture and japanese culture exam, both of which i'm relatively sure i'll do poorly on, despite the hours of studying i will pour into both topics. then, the following week are two more exams, physics and discrete math 2. so, to look to the future is to look at failure as well. it makes me sick. i'm tired of feeling miserable and wallowing in my own poor excuses to be unhappy, yet i still keep on going on in this circle. everywhere i go, i seem to bring a general black circle around me, which causes confusion, distrust, and failure with it. so, wherever i go, i'm bound to do not much of anything significant. am i cursed? i doubt someone would go to so much trouble over me. recently, my own self-loathing has been projected to the outside world, and i find my misanthropy at higher levels than usual. so much so that while studying at public places for the geology exam i mentioned, i found myself disgusted with people and had to remove myself from their presence, moving every few minutes or so to a newly unpopulated place so as to avoid everyone. it's even got the point where even if that 'rachel' i created from a previous post was real, i wouldn't want to be around her. perhaps something is wrong with me. tonight, while eating dinner (ironically) i contemplated suicide through starvation. i can't imagine it to be particularly difficult, but the course of such a death takes far too long, and obviously without a sound cause, i could never perform such feat. i'm more of the quick and easy way type of person. so, i'm back to where i was last semester. miserable, tired of doing poorly and not living up to the expectations instilled in me, yet with the realization that i'm not trying to do well for any other purpose other than to please others. i don't know what i'm going to do, honestly. i've got two more years of crap college to go through, and then i graduate and find out that i hate working as well. i think i might like to live in a little house out in the country/bay area of some foreign continent, with a small electrical generator (for music when i wanted it) a library to house books in, and some running water. i think i could farm enough to support myself, and that would be my life. i don't really see any problems with doing this either, but if you can find some, make sure to let me know as i'm uncomfortable with the idea of actually having some scheme of mine come true.