better off dead i wake up, i go to work, i come home, i go to bed, i wake up. repeat. this is my life for winter break. i have not done _anything_ with anyone. i have not gone outside my house after work with the exception of one day. if you don't have a life, are you alive? do i even exist in time or space when i sit still for 24 hours a day? leading to another dilemna, i've realized that i go to work because after being home for a while i got bored of the hopeless situation here and desire something new. after eight hours at work, i feel hopeless again and want to change the situation once more. thus, i go home. it's another cycle. on wednesday, all i did the entire day was sit in my moderately comfortable worker drone chair and stare brainlessly at the computer screen. i ran into an sql problem i couldn't resolve (as usual...) and the lead programmer had effectively taken the day off. when i do nothing like this, i feel hopeless and don't want to go back-disgusted with myself for not getting any work done. why am i like this? why do i not attempt to rise above my pathetic state? it's because "where would i go?" i have no ambition, no desire to reach the top. i don't need more pressure. in a meaningless life with no hopes or inspiration, you begin to realize just how empty and pointless being "alive" really is.