epitaph for the living i realize that tomorrow i start work, driving 30-40 minutes one way in a snow covered concrete canal where men live and die. it may be likely that i wll not survive driving conditions, due to that fact that while i am not a bad driver, i certainly have room for improvement. so, i figure i should write something today, in case i die tomorrow or the next day. right now, i am lost. i am searching for who knows what. i'm going nowhere in my life, i have no purpose, and even when i look for one, none comes around. in years prior, i thought i was intelligent, witty, etc. well, i should apologize to everyone i knew for being such an ass and thinking so much of myself, using big words and complex sentences, etc. being intelligent and out of the social loop makes for good grounds to grow elitist feelings from, and i cultivated mine with vigor. the years before then, i tried my hand (pathetically) at female social interaction, otherwise known as "dating." i *always* got rejected. i still kind of resent that. i would have at least liked a shot at knowing those people. while i don't attribute my entire depressing psychological complex to them, they sure didn't help. i'm still haunted by a few of them as they resurface in my memory from time to time. another thing is that my depression and sadness isn't caused by the music i hear, books i listen to, etc. it's a general mindset that i've been in since freshman year of highschool and don't seem to be abandoning anytime soon. it mainly stems from being let down again and again, both my dreams and more plausible thoughts always get crushed. that's hard to handle over a six year period of realization. so, even though i've been depressed, maybe even pseudo-suicidal, i can't say that the media has influenced me in any great way. basically, that's what i'd like read as my last rights. i've had an emotionally crippling youth/adolescence, i won't go into detail. i've had my share of fun, but there's things i will never get to experience, even if i am alive after this. i was never able to write a good yearbook inscription, so i won't do that here (note, i'd been looking at old yearbooks when this was written).