nothing's turning out the way i planned. it's a shame, it really is, when everything that seemed to be running at a decent pace just sort of collapses in your lap, a little bundle of good feelings which were once growing slowly in your mental veins, now atrophied and withered, spilled outside your body. there's an episode of neon genesis evangelion where shinji is riding in a train, questioning his motivations and why he bothers to keep going. somewhere along the way, his logic falls apart, and he pleads "i've done so much. i've done the best i can. someone treat me well. someone take care of me." that's how i feel now.