when did i turn into a casual nihilist? i was looking in the mirror today, and the thought occurred to me. i care seldomly and randomly. don't ask me for support or loyalty, because i can't seem to commit to anything. i reject all i can, even if i accepted it the day before. somedays i believe in god, most others i am cynical to any sort of benevolent overseer. one day i like a person, the next i see them at best as a brainless doll; at worst an enemy. i suppose everyone reaches this point; they realize they're nothing and that nothing they can do can ever change anything. no matter what anyone does, everything essentially stays the same no matter where you are or where you live. people are unhappy, government's corrupt, the afterlife is a boolean variable, self-expression exists but is sold and categorized for marketing and potential profits. sometimes i think i want to work for a few years, then quite, move into a house far removed from society (by this time i will have accumulated all the things i need), live a monastic existence, make the weekly trip to the market to buy food, etc. this seems like the only way i might be able to make it through sometimes. but who am i kidding? there's no way to save up enough money for food (for the rest of my life) while saving for a house at the same time. most likely i'll get a job and have to work diligently to keep it, so that my life becomes devoted to that.