10/16/00
during the summer, i thought my website was quite good, well-designed, etc.  now, looking at everyone else's webpages, it seems that once again i'm at the bottom of the heap as far as attractiveness, features, and glitzy use of technology goes.  of course i'm slightly jealous.  everyone wants to have at least something they're better at everyone else at.  i wonder what it's like to be at the top of things; i haven't been near that pinnacle in so long.  i have to wonder if the feeling has changed at all.
at one point in my life i think i had some sort of self-worth, some sort of reason to live.  i think the "someday things will get better" quote i used in an earlier post sums up everything to this point.  once you lose hope, you lose pretty much everything.  i've lost hope.  i've lost everything.

10/19/00
i cried for the first time last sunday.  for a half an hour, my eyes leaked saline.  however, it didn't feel as good as i thought it would.  it was alright, something new, something i haven't done in quite some time, but there wasn't really any significance or true enjoyment or release from it.  all i did was feel incredibly awful, such that i didn't even want to stand anymore, and then i thought of a song that always made me cry when i was younger, and then i began to cry in current time as well.
this past week has gone well so far, i have felt...content at least for some reason.  but, thinking about next week takes away my momentary sense of calm and throws me into an anxiety ridden state.  how i hate exams.  meh.

10/20/00
sometimes i wonder what is going on inside tim's mind, whether or not he feels any fear, anxiety, etc.  i've lived next to him for two months now, and he never really seems to be daunted by anything very much.  although he gets angry infrequently, it seems somewhat unnecessary because he performs nearly perfect at anything eventually, anyway.  i question what he is thinking, what his motivations are, anything.  i suppose i'll discover his motivations, innermost workings, etc eventually, as happened with last year's suitemate, tony.  though tim isn't quite as social...