10/12/00
today in economics my professor
kept going over macroeconomic concepts which paralleled doomsday models.
the one distinguishing factor between a doomsday model and a "good economy,"
however, seems to generally be a variable the economist of the time left
out. i was thinking, though, what if the economist was right the
first time, and all economic models are doomsday predictions? at
some point we will run out of land, goods, anything that modern society
would deem important for contemporary living. one day, humanity will
pollute the air to a point where it is unbreathable, people will use up
all arable land either through poor cultivation or urban expansion, civilization
will have a massive food shortage do to a hearty overpopulation problem.
society will eventually crumble upon itself, in full demonstration of our
great, but temporary power.
10/13/00
i've come to the conclusion
that in deeming everything that i don't like or haven't participated in
as stupid, shallow, or unworthy of my time, i have effectively ruined the
supposed best socializing years of my life, as well as any hope of being
'social' later in my life, meeting interesting people, and reducing the
possible amounts of experiences and unique influences which were at one
point possibly open to me. the reason in which i fear for a future
of my own is because i am effectively cancelling dozens of possible futures
everyday, which could be more fulfilling or rewarding than whatever my
current choices have led me to.
10/14/00
today is day three of my
'not listening to music' week, which i hope will get rid of the constant
ringing in my ears. i do not know if i have tinnitus or this is just
natural, or what. my music is not often loud, but it is constant.
i suppose after five or so years of constant noise your hearing-organs
could just feel like, "alright. i've had enough, i'm not going to
work properly anymore." anyone who reads this page often enough knows
i feel like that. maybe it is possibly my hearing is going on strike.
i can't say i really miss music all that much, oddly. at times i'd
like to put some on, but i don't feel the craving for it the way i would
if i were addicted to some chemical. by the end of this self-imposed
week of silence, it's quite possible i might not even care about music
anymore. but then what would i devote my spare time to? i'd
probably spend the time reading or thinking, become permanently chemically
unbalanced and jump from the easily accessible roof of this apartment building/mausoleum.
10/15/00
there are some days where
you just shouldn't have woken up, because you would have been better off
to stay in bed. today was one of those days. while i won't
get into why today was so deliriously unhappy, let's just say that if you've
ever had any sort of temporary hope or dreams that somehow developed, suddenly
crumble like that lego castle you built at age 6, except now that lego
castle was your withered momentary reason to live, that's how i feel right
about now. please, put a gun to my head and paint the walls with
my brain. i'm tired of living my life. |