yesterday night, when talking to people online, i got this sense of total emptiness, lack of worth, and self-failure.  no matter whom i talked to, it felt like i was talking to myself, even though conversating, still totally alone.  no matter what i did, i was floating amongst solitary clouds of gray and having rather depressing monologues. everyday, i devote more and more of my life to a computer, an object which i value as a tool for creativity and self-expression above anything else.  i've always considered programming in general to be a "gentleman's activity," something that tests your knowledge and intuition to solve small puzzles, something that stimulates the intellectual activity in the mind.  but, the more i look at it, the more i cannot see these sort of things actually comprising the details of one's life.  it's so insignificant to anything else, just a bunch of little ones and zeros in the grander scale of anything.  do we need computers and programs to survive?  no, they're quire nonessential.  in a sparse world, where only necessity dominated, they would not even have come into existence, or at least on the scale they are at today. as i prepare to go to bed in a few minutes, i once again ask myself the question, "How many times do you have to wish not to wake up in order for it to finally happen?" "in a little while, i'll be gone.  the moment's already passed, yeah it's gone."